I’m Tired

Everyone has always looked at me and thought of me as being strong. My strength came from fucked life experiences where I had no choice but to be strong or fold to the hatred n anger around. But some people get to a point when being strong is not enough anymore. I’ve cried so many tears that eyes respond to me “bitch please”. My heart doesn’t know what its like to experience love for everytime it has entered my life its caused me the greatest pain. I try to be positive and look forward to a better and happier future. But in return my dreams, my hopes n my desires are taken from me. I hide my pain through my rough exterior and through my sarcasm but lately I’ve discovered “i’m tired”. I’ve given up on love, I’ve given up on friendship, I’ve given up “trying”. What is life without love and no one to share it with? What is a life full of disappointments and rejections?? What is life when you spend most of your time here “fighting” and trying to be accepted? My life!

A Letter to Steve Harvey

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Yesterday, I listened to your show as you tried to explain your reasoning for meeting with Donald Trump. You explained how the meeting was to enlighten him in hopes of possibly getting through to him on the black community. What I found mostly interesting about your radio speech, you spoke on how at one point of your life you were homeless living in your car for three years. So because you experienced that many, many moons ago it makes you a representative for the black community?

 

If Donald Trump really wanted to get to know the struggles of the black community, why didn’t he reach out to a person like me or to a retiree who put in many years of work and instead of enjoying retirement, they are trying to figure out what cuts to social security are being made, how will they be able to pay for their medication, etc.? Not some like you, who is wealthy, who can make hundreds of thousands for appearances and millions for hosting talk and game shows.

 

You are not part of the struggles of the black community, you do not know what it is like to live paycheck to paycheck in this economy nor do you know what it is like be black “middle class” or even “poor”. You spoke on meeting with Trump as an attempt to do outreach for the black community but what issues did you speak to him about that truly affects our community that is not shown on the news or social media?

 

The black community had an issue with you sitting down with trump because he has made it known he does not care for minorities and women. This is the same man who provoked racial violence at his rallies. Maybe not as extreme as the civil rights rallies of the 60s but he stood on a platform with media present instigating racial “hate”.

 

In my opinion, your meeting with Trump was for personal gain for your brand and for Trump to say “hey look, I know black people”. The meeting was for propaganda. Donald Trump was once close friends with Russell Simmons, since his presidential bid, their friendship tarnish because of the racial and hateful things he has said. Had you spoke about your “meeting” prior to the date on your radio and maybe asked your listeners to engage in conversation about some of the issues we as regular class citizens of America face, I think your position would’ve been more respected. A great time to spend on that topic could’ve been in the time slot of the “Strawberry Letter” which most of the time isn’t positive.

 

Do you really know what it is like to live paycheck to paycheck? To have to budget your checks to ensure bills to maintain a roof over your head, lights/water/gas are still on, to ensure that there is enough food in the fridge to hold your family over until the next check comes in. Do you know what it is like to not be able to afford a car so depending on the city you live public transportation may be expensive, always delayed, etc., so you hope and pray you make it to work on time? Do you know what it is like to have children in not so great schools because you can’t afford the tuition of private school and then to educate yourself on the person Donald Trump has selected as Secretary of Education (Betsy DeVos)?

 

In closing, If Trump was to ever unleash his inner beast and allow his satanic horns to show, you and your wife would be on the next private jet out of here while the rest of us struggle to find safety. I always find it astounding how someone like me who isn’t rich does a lot within the black community but the wealthy who come from poverty do so little. In order to understand your people, you must walk amongst your people.

 

I’m happy for all of the success you gained. You deserve it all and hopefully one day, I can achieve the same level of success or more until then……………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Journal

20140316-093741.jpgA lot in my life has changed over the past year.  I find this journey called life so amazing but yet so mentally draining. There are so many lessons being taught by so many teachers. Their teaching methods vary from teacher to teacher, some who are nice and others who are tough and/or mean but they all strive for the ultimate goal, which is to education you through life’s lessons and to make sure you retain the syllabus being taught.

I shared some tears but not as many this year as I have previous years. I lost some friends but then I question were they every truly friends? I learned no matter how good of a person you try to be to others, there will always be that chosen few who don’t give a fuck about you and will use you for personal gain and entertainment.

Last week I experienced an incident, I haven’t experienced since my twenties. Mentally, it broke me down, it left me sad and it made me take 40 steps back to the abused child/woman I once was. The experience left me so broken inside though I found myself staring in the mirror and labeling myself all of the terrible names I was called.

I found myself questioning God and questioning myself, as to why, I’m not good enough, why i’m not beautiful enough, why i am not sexy because if i was all of these things people wouldn’t attack me the way that they do especially when I come in peace trying to understand while caring at the same time.

I cried at that moment because of the choice of words spoken and the actions that were taken but then a force came over me to say “fuck it”.  If I am not worthy, if I am trash then throw me the fuck away. It wouldn’t be the first time but this damn sure will be the last fucking time  I allow anyone to get the best of me.

In that moment, I also realized how much I have grown as a person and as a woman. I didn’t feel the need to fight or to attack as I have done in the past when someone tried to hurt me. I accepted for what it was while contemplating my next move. I didn’t lost for the potential path that was going to lie ahead of me.

Mostly because i’m a survivor, I am a warrior in life. I’ve survived so many storms that nothing or no one can break me anymore. When I realized that, the tears stopped. My problem throughout life, I’ve given people so much power over me in hopes of finding love and happiness and avoiding being hurt. but what it did was give others ammo to use again me. Through all of the trials & tribulations, I learned to love me more and more each day.

When I feel a moment of “weakness” I read Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” then I am reminded I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am a rare and exquisite diamond who will never be treated like glass or cubic zirconia.

I’ve forgiven the situation but I haven’t forgotten!

I WILL RISE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES ANYONE TRIES TO CUT ME WITH HARSH WORDS, DESTROY MY MATERIAL THINGS and TRY TO BEAT ME DOWN….YOU WILL NOT GET THE BEST OF ME.

“Like Dust, I Rise”

Mind-Boggling Blogging 

I know I will never be famous with my blogs as many people are and that’s fine. I use blogging as a tool to release my inner thoughts. Through my life of trials and tribulations, blogging my emotions during crucial times in my life has saved me. But the thing I don’t understand or will I ever care to is why people don’t stay true to themselves? 

I followed a local fashion blogger who sense of style is amazing, her creative ideas in fashion, home decor and candid eye for beautiful photography is breathtaking. She went through an extreme dark period in her life where she became an advocate for mental illness.

During her dark time,she posted battles and challenges she was facing with the “disease” and encourage other women to seek education, help and other aids in avoiding/ dealing with it. 

I commended her on it. Through her dark posts, i read interesting personal articles that I could relate to and found myself questioning my thought process. But as I got more involved in her post, I realized they were all posted for attention. She is nothing but a drama queen constantly looking for people to say “oh you’re so perfect, you’re so beautiful” beautiful physically, she is but very deceitful and not real.

During her dark time, I got to know her on a personal level and it made me realized her “mental illness” was self-inflicted because she got caught for being a liar and deceitful. 

Personally, no one is perfect and we all cry for love and attention in various ways.  A lot of times, not in a positive manner. But I respect those who own their truths whether it’s good or bad.

The major step in changing and fixing the “issue” is admitting your faults. Back to her, she went on this “mental illness” crusade for awhile until she realize it wasn’t winning her fiancé back and her followers didn’t care about her mental health.

They cared more about what she was wearing during her breakdowns. She erased any and everything relating to her journey through this.

The truth is she was never diagnosed with it. Since finding a man to give her time and attention she is (miraculously) no longer ill. Now she is riding a new horse named attention.

The post is my post, stay true to yourself and stay true to who you are. There is nothing worse than being a zombie of society (being someone other than yourself for social acceptance) 

I’m sure if she was to read this, she would  possibly assume I am jealous. I love bloggers who express THEMSELVES the real them and not facetiously. 

Don’t cry rape, mental illness, etc., just to get attention because there are a lot of us who has lived that life and have struggled or is struggling to move on from it.

Be real bitch and stop being fake! If I want to see fake…. I rather follow a minute by minute post on a celebrity.

9/11 aka September 11, 2001


15 years ago today, life in America changed forever. We went from feeling like “the land of the free” to feeling vulnerable, confused and hurt. 
On that day, 15 years ago in New York, I experienced a tragedy of seeing ou beloved Twin Towers burn, I watched people who were trapped on higher floors, plunge to their death, I heard the sound of their bodies crash hard into the ground.

New York has always been known as a rude city, but that day strangers hugged each other while comforting each other. Strangers shed tears together as we watched our skyline burn and people die before our eyes.

That day race wasn’t an issue, what tax bracket you’re apart of didn’t matter, all we cared about was hoping that help arrived quick enough to save those who were trapped. 

There were some heartless pricks who ran through the sea of dead bodies grabbing wallets, jewelry, money, cell phones. Anything they saw could be of value. 

No one for a second thought the towers would fall and when they did no matter how fast you tried to run the tsunami of debris swallowed you, lifted you up with force and tossed you. 

The moment of darkness felt like forever. As we huddle and grabbed someone nearby we assumed it was the apocalypse.   When light peaked through the dark cloud. There was a moment of hope. A moment of relief that you were still alive.

The city shut down, the city that never sleeps got some rest and weeped as the body count slowly increased. Those who survived, were quarantined until 2am.

When the quarantine was released, most of us walked to our boroughs. There was limited transportation. Women’s feet were hurting from the stylish shoes they wore that day. Outfits of suits, dresses, shirt and shorts were covered in dust as well as our faces and hair. 

Families stood before news camera speaking on their love ones who have never been found, love ones who called moments before they died to tell their families “Goodbye” and “I love you”. 

There were walls of memorials throughout the city of those who parished.  
September 11th became a day about Rudy Guilani, WTC, NYPD and NYFD, but this day was about The people who died, those who survived, those who were part of that moment from beginning to end. 

“We will never forget”

Spiritually Shook

Yesterday my spirit was shook after receiving an e-mail from my ex. We split over six months ago and for the life of me I couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this e-mail about some things I may have or may not have said about him. In his e-mail he told me he is trying to move on with his life and I should be doing the same. But yet I received an e-mail. I made it clear to him I’ve cut off communication from most of the world to avoid he say/she say gossip. But yet it found me. His final reply was “this wasn’t said recently and I would appreciate if you keep my name out of your mouth” for the life of me I don’t understand why this e-mail was received then I found myself over analyzing things to see if I could find clarity. That e-mail and the moments spent replying drained me spiritually. I made a lot of mistakes in life, I’ve done and said things that weren’t the most positive and hurt others in the process. I can’t take those things back but I have prayed on them and I’ve asked for forgiveness from the universe. I will admit I played vitcim in some situations but I’ve grown from them, I’ve learned valuable lessons and have been living a positive life for some time now. The past year has been the hardest year of my life but spiritually, it has been the most rewarding. I lost everything and even though it was a painful time, I learned to appreciate life and I learned I didnt need to manipulate situations just to see if others care for me. I missed out on love growing up and spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s trying to hustle, survive and find someone to love me even though I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love me so it made me fail in all relationships. After losing everything I learned to love myself, I let go of my past and left everything in God’s hands. I still have moments of doubt, I still have negative moments but I’m in a better place spiritually….. I will the negativity of my past would go away. I’m only embracing on positivity.

 

Verbal Bully

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I am a bigger “mess” than I thought. I always took pride in helping and caring for others but never realized and saw for every “good” I did, I destroyed it by being negative and hurtful to others. I was always great at “reading” people for the bullshit and drama they do/did and had no chill when it came to being blunt and “honest” in my views of you.

I never understood why people labeled me a verbal bully especially if it was a situation when we were all cracking rude and mean jokes. I was the only person who never knew when to stop. I always went too far. Now that I know, I feel ashamed.

I knew I was swimming in the “negativity” pool but never noticed I actually drowned. Today, I took the time to read past posts and saw the same negativity. Maybe that’s why I fell the way I did in life so I can get see my faults and get my shit together.

I guess in a sick and twisted way, I became my (nemesis) “adopted” mother’s daughter. Now that I know I have hurt people and now that I truly know I was a verbal bully, I have begun the process to change that. Little by little, I am beginning to see things clearer. I always wanted people to “save” me but how can they save me when I’ve refused to acknowledge I was drowning instead of swimming?

My heart has been consumed with so much hate. I know I have gone through a lot in my life but it is no excuse for my actions especially when I wanted love, happiness and friendship. Even though I have lost a lot of friends along the way, I am ready to start anew and will make sure to not repeat the same cycles. Even if I have to excuse myself during “mean-spirited” sessions of talking about others.

I apologize spiritually from my soul to those I have hurt and hope the universe will forgive for my wrongdoings.

The End

“Juanita” Under Construction

I’ve been under construction for some time. Attempting to finish the renovations of a “new” me. I’ve been under a spiritual attack and didnt realize it. So I needed to shut myself off from most of the world to undergo the changes and renovations needed to revamp who I am physically, spirituality and emotionally. During this redevelopment I lost some contractors (“friends”), fired lazy employees (people who don’t really give a shit) and knocked down walls to make the “space” (me) more open, sunny and bright. Before this renovation started I felt condemned and didn’t think it was possible to turn a rundown building (soul) into something so luxurious but I did it with the help of the spirits and spiritual guidance. Moral of this post:  Never think you are to condemned to be refurbished and/or renovated. Its an expensive investment (not speaking in terms of money) but once its completed…your values makes you feel like you’re worth millions. Now time to renovate my “love”, “marriage”, “success” and “finances

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BTW: THE PHOTO DOESNT GO WITH THE POST BUT I LOVE IT LOL