“Juanita” Under Construction

I’ve been under construction for some time. Attempting to finish the renovations of a “new” me. I’ve been under a spiritual attack and didnt realize it. So I needed to shut myself off from most of the world to undergo the changes and renovations needed to revamp who I am physically, spirituality and emotionally. During this redevelopment I lost some contractors (“friends”), fired lazy employees (people who don’t really give a shit) and knocked down walls to make the “space” (me) more open, sunny and bright. Before this renovation started I felt condemned and didn’t think it was possible to turn a rundown building (soul) into something so luxurious but I did it with the help of the spirits and spiritual guidance. Moral of this post:  Never think you are to condemned to be refurbished and/or renovated. Its an expensive investment (not speaking in terms of money) but once its completed…your values makes you feel like you’re worth millions. Now time to renovate my “love”, “marriage”, “success” and “finances

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BTW: THE PHOTO DOESNT GO WITH THE POST BUT I LOVE IT LOL

I’m Not Ashamed 

  

I’m not ashamed I am battling mental illness.I’m not ashamed than I am not “normal” and that nothing in my life has ever been easy or came to me on any type of platter.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve had to hustle for what seems like “little” to others and everything to me.

I’m not ashamed that all I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be loved and valued by others.

I’m not ashamed that there have been thousands of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep and thousands of morning I woke up in tears.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t know how to love and hope that one day someone can teach me.

I’m not ashamed that I may have missed out on good relationships because I know I am extremely hard to deal with and every “great” guy will not able to deal with me.

I’m not ashamed of my screw ups in life sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to survive. 

I’m not ashamed that I walk this earth alone with no family.

I’m not ashamed that I usually spend my holidays alone with leftover Chinese food fantasying about spending my holidays with a make believe husband and family. 

I’m not ashamed to be in the skin I’m in. For I was created with a purpose just not sure what.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve told lies in life but who hasn’t? The funny thing is the truth has been valued as lies and lies have been valued as truth.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t smile. Not really sure “how” or “why” I should.

I’m not ashamed that I think I am crazy/beautiful. The only thing I pray is that I don’t harm myself or screw my life up.

I’m not ashamed that those “friends” I cared for went out of their way to hurt me mentally, physically and tried to ruin my reputation.

I’m not ashamed that I was kidnapped as a child from my country by a mentally and physically abusive woman.

I’m not ashamed that all my life I dealt with others mentally and physically abusing me, parents who were functional crackheads, and not being loved as a child/teenager.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve never been able to admit to anyone the “true” home I grew up in out of shame and out of refusing to be that typical black girl.

I’m not ashamed that I want to seek help and overcome my mental illness 

But honestly speaking, I don’t know if I really want help…

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t think God loves me or cares for me because of the cards that he dealt me so I have a hard time believing in him and his existence. 

They say only “God” can judge me but I’ve been judged my entire life and I judge others…

Like I said “I’m not ASHAMED” 

Drunk Night Thought 

  

I’ve been drinking and drinking a lot

The numbness soothes my soul

The numbness soothes my heart.

Some people are blessed to be fucked up individuals

But Juanita is not

I am shunned for not being perfect

I am shunned for being a fighter

I am shunned for giving a fuck about others

My mouth is numb

My thoughts are racing

My world is rotating at a faster than lightening speed

Why must I suffer?

Why I must I care?

Why must I be the one to give a shit?!

When you care, you get hurt

When you love, you get shitted on

When you vent, you are petty

When you walk away, you are evil

Alcohol is my real true friend

It stops the tears from falling

It numbs the heart from caring

People want to say “I’m crazy” 

But the truth is its not me…

It’s you..

Never turn about one someone who supports you..

Never turn your back on someone who cares..

Never assume my value is fool’s gold 

And never for a second assume..you are better than me…

I don’t come from anything..

And my life has a lie…

But I have played the cards of life bestowed upon me..

And have buffed a poker table full of professionals…

I have battled real shit in my life..

While most have battled stupid shit…

Through it out…

I have maintained..grace, knowledge, strength, wisdom and intelligence…

I see the things written about me and I don’t care..

You don’t a real struggle until you have battled and defeated cancer, you have sampled being homeless

And through it all..you have maintained a level of sanity to conquer some fucked up experiences in life..

I maybe never know what being normal is…

I may never experience true love and happiness

But the few things I know is..battling,fighting,conquering and surviving….

So fuck your “pettiness” and your need for attention..

There are some real people, experiencing real issues…..

And no matter what life hands them…

They find a way to succeed…

Without or without support…

Never for a second think you need anyone to be your strength…

Strength comes from and from within comes “fight” and through comes “conquer”

So let people call you a “liar” and let people call you “weak”

Use their bullshit as Ammo to succeed…

And laugh at those who shitted on you and turned their backs as you gloriously achieve the top…..

Fuck them and do you even if it requires you doing it alone….

Dark Girls

I watched this documentary on being a dark black girl and it made me cry. For so long I hated my dark skin, my kinky hair, my big lips and my big face. I wished everyday that “God” would love me enough to make me lighter. I wanted dimples, I wanted lighter skin and I wanted long curly hair. But “God” never answered me. If anything I felt he wanted to torment me. For every night I prayed and cried to God to make me lighter, my mother would tell me “how ugly I was” how big my head and face was. I remember going out with my mother and she would compliment the beauty of lighter skinned children and speak on how she wished they were her daughters instead of me. I would’ve given anything in the world to be lighter to feel love from my mother.i truly felt she didn’t love me because I was dark. I wanted to feel accepted by her, to feel I am beautiful to her. For my strength, my love and my values were to come from her. I remember she would bathe me in bleach and tell me to soak in for 10 minutes. I wonder if this was to ensure my “dirty” body was cleaned or to see if I would “lighten” any??? I never wanted to have dark friends. Most of my life my friends were either light skinned or of different nationalities. I figured if I surround myself with light..I would become light…. I remember being emotionally jealous of my lighter skinned friends because they could look like road kill laying in the middle of a road in desert heat and men would approach them while I would put on my “best” everything and be overlooked for them. I dated outside of my race most of my life because men of other races found me beautiful and men within my own race thought of me as “ugly” and on top of being “ugly” not having a huge ass. I remember reading “The Bluest Eye” because I could relate to it. I don’t know if I will ever believe “My dark black skin is beautiful” but I Love “me” more today than I have in most of my life. Please check out this documentary!