Spiritually Shook

Yesterday my spirit was shook after receiving an e-mail from my ex. We split over six months ago and for the life of me I couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this e-mail about some things I may have or may not have said about him. In his e-mail he told me he is trying to move on with his life and I should be doing the same. But yet I received an e-mail. I made it clear to him I’ve cut off communication from most of the world to avoid he say/she say gossip. But yet it found me. His final reply was “this wasn’t said recently and I would appreciate if you keep my name out of your mouth” for the life of me I don’t understand why this e-mail was received then I found myself over analyzing things to see if I could find clarity. That e-mail and the moments spent replying drained me spiritually. I made a lot of mistakes in life, I’ve done and said things that weren’t the most positive and hurt others in the process. I can’t take those things back but I have prayed on them and I’ve asked for forgiveness from the universe. I will admit I played vitcim in some situations but I’ve grown from them, I’ve learned valuable lessons and have been living a positive life for some time now. The past year has been the hardest year of my life but spiritually, it has been the most rewarding. I lost everything and even though it was a painful time, I learned to appreciate life and I learned I didnt need to manipulate situations just to see if others care for me. I missed out on love growing up and spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s trying to hustle, survive and find someone to love me even though I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love me so it made me fail in all relationships. After losing everything I learned to love myself, I let go of my past and left everything in God’s hands. I still have moments of doubt, I still have negative moments but I’m in a better place spiritually….. I will the negativity of my past would go away. I’m only embracing on positivity.

 

“Juanita” Under Construction

I’ve been under construction for some time. Attempting to finish the renovations of a “new” me. I’ve been under a spiritual attack and didnt realize it. So I needed to shut myself off from most of the world to undergo the changes and renovations needed to revamp who I am physically, spirituality and emotionally. During this redevelopment I lost some contractors (“friends”), fired lazy employees (people who don’t really give a shit) and knocked down walls to make the “space” (me) more open, sunny and bright. Before this renovation started I felt condemned and didn’t think it was possible to turn a rundown building (soul) into something so luxurious but I did it with the help of the spirits and spiritual guidance. Moral of this post:  Never think you are to condemned to be refurbished and/or renovated. Its an expensive investment (not speaking in terms of money) but once its completed…your values makes you feel like you’re worth millions. Now time to renovate my “love”, “marriage”, “success” and “finances

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BTW: THE PHOTO DOESNT GO WITH THE POST BUT I LOVE IT LOL

A Heartfelt Letter to the Universe

Dear Universe,

It is me Juanita. I write this letter to you to say I am ready for love, commitment and happiness. I know there are people out here who do not want to see me happy so they try to use spiritual attacks and root work against me. I no longer care to be in the “eye” of them. I care to be happy and enjoy life. It is my destiny to be happy, successful, and living life to the fullest and I will do so. Please bless me with my true love, protect me from others’ evils, and open the paths I was truly destined to travel. I apologize for hurting others, I apologize for the mistakes I’ve made in life and I don’t care what has transpired with people and situations in my past. I want success in love, career, health and life. For some time now the spirits have tried to warn me but i was too afraid of their presences to listen. But now I hear and see all of the things you were trying to say. Thank you for the signs and thank you for the encounters with gifted humans, dreams and spiritual encounters during the witching hours. Please universe continue to keep me aware while blessing and guiding me down the path of life success. I honor you, I praise you and I thank you.

Love, Peace, Life and Happiness,

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Juanita

Drunk Night Thought 

  

I’ve been drinking and drinking a lot

The numbness soothes my soul

The numbness soothes my heart.

Some people are blessed to be fucked up individuals

But Juanita is not

I am shunned for not being perfect

I am shunned for being a fighter

I am shunned for giving a fuck about others

My mouth is numb

My thoughts are racing

My world is rotating at a faster than lightening speed

Why must I suffer?

Why I must I care?

Why must I be the one to give a shit?!

When you care, you get hurt

When you love, you get shitted on

When you vent, you are petty

When you walk away, you are evil

Alcohol is my real true friend

It stops the tears from falling

It numbs the heart from caring

People want to say “I’m crazy” 

But the truth is its not me…

It’s you..

Never turn about one someone who supports you..

Never turn your back on someone who cares..

Never assume my value is fool’s gold 

And never for a second assume..you are better than me…

I don’t come from anything..

And my life has a lie…

But I have played the cards of life bestowed upon me..

And have buffed a poker table full of professionals…

I have battled real shit in my life..

While most have battled stupid shit…

Through it out…

I have maintained..grace, knowledge, strength, wisdom and intelligence…

I see the things written about me and I don’t care..

You don’t a real struggle until you have battled and defeated cancer, you have sampled being homeless

And through it all..you have maintained a level of sanity to conquer some fucked up experiences in life..

I maybe never know what being normal is…

I may never experience true love and happiness

But the few things I know is..battling,fighting,conquering and surviving….

So fuck your “pettiness” and your need for attention..

There are some real people, experiencing real issues…..

And no matter what life hands them…

They find a way to succeed…

Without or without support…

Never for a second think you need anyone to be your strength…

Strength comes from and from within comes “fight” and through comes “conquer”

So let people call you a “liar” and let people call you “weak”

Use their bullshit as Ammo to succeed…

And laugh at those who shitted on you and turned their backs as you gloriously achieve the top…..

Fuck them and do you even if it requires you doing it alone….

Spiritual Encounter

   

About a week ago, a friend’s mom passed away. He was devastated and was in disbelief that she was gone at the age of 59.

Because of my family history and not having a relationship with my mom, I had no words of sympathy for him. 

One afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch, I had this dream of being in someone’s bedroom.

In the dream, I looked into this mirror and made a comment “if a ghost is around, you would be able to see them in a mirror”. I spun around the room a few times. 

After I was done spinning in the reflection was a bed with antique mirror headboard. 

Next to the bed was an alarm clock, with porcelain white dolls. The radio was playing rap music (I think) all of a sudden, the station changed to an am station that consisted of nothing but static.

The next thing I know this olive skin woman touched my left shoulder with her left hand. 

I shouted “I don’t do this ghost shit” I hollered this in my dream several times. 

After I woke up, it hit me. The woman who I saw was my friend’s mom and I was in her bedroom.

Even though, my friend is mourning his mom… I texted him some chilling questions which left him shocked and confused as to how I got that info.

I have never met his mom nor have I been to her house.

Gifted or not, the spirit world scares me..

His mom wanted me to tell him, she did not suffer.

I saw some pictures in the dream but he has no clue about those.

If I am gifted, why am I so afraid of it?

And can it bring “good”? 

This is not the first time, I’ve had dreams of this sort. 

Every time I encounter them this feel like a static force.

No matter how hard I try to talk or scream or fight to wake up from these encounters they are strong and it touches my lips and hold my arms to keep me from jumping out.

I’ve even had premonitions that has come true from relationships breaking up to getting terminated from my job.

Does anyone have any advice or resources that will help me to understand this…..gift?! 

Spiritual Graduation

How do you go back to living after surviving cancer? Especially when you know there will always be that possibility that it can come back. Mentally you can’t. I remember the day I was diagnosis I sat in the doctor’s office feeling numb. My doctor grabbed my hand and told me “everything is going to be alright” I looked at him with the blankest look on my face and said “ok”. I remember him giving me a breakdown of everything I was in store for and my treatment options. At the moment, I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel loved, I want a support team around me cheering for my “speedy” recovery but instead I had to be my own support system, I had to hold myself, I had to wipe my own tears and I had to remind myself “I will be ok”. Because of this plague I faced my darkest fears and the biggest life alternating issues alone. I made myself believe I didn’t need “others”. But everyone needs someone. The problem is deciphering whose “good” and whose “bad”? I learned there is no such thing as good and bad people. In life, our paths cross for a reason, it may not be the fairy tale reasoning we always hope for but as a learning tool. I think “love” entered my life to show me I am capable of love and “love” is a possibility for me when I’m truly ready and when the universe feels it’s time. “Friendship” just like love can never be one sided. The lesson I am learning is to “let it all go” my fears, my disappointments, my pain and my anger and to realize there is nothing wrong with expressing my feelings and emotions instead of bottling them up and self numbing myself so I don’t have to deal is not the cure. I am imperfectly flawed and I’m okay with that. Now the “end” of the chapter has been written…time to begin a new chapter with a clear mind, heart and soul.