The Moment of Truth

You tell her you never loved her.
You tell her you don't care for her.
You tell her she is the reason your dick can't get hard.
You tell her you hate her.
You make fun of all of her physical flaws including her surgical scars and stretch marks.
You make fun of the fact she is a survivor of abuse and call her a weak ass victim.
You laugh her for not having a mom and dad like you.
You make fun of her for being fat and having a gut.
As you are spewing this vile to her face, she continues to stand tall, stand proud and stand strong
Even though she wants to break down and cry…..
She accepts your words with no violence
She accepts knowing the truth of how the same man who once claimed to love her truly feel about her.
The sad reality, she walks everyday of her life, ashamed of her flaws.
Seeking to find love within herself to love herself as is.
But in that process, she found herself, in this moment with someone who knew her battles and made sure to go in for the kill.
There is no "I'm sorry" to heal the wounds of hearing a man who she thought was her "king" say to her she has no beauty, she has no worth, she is nothing and to even wish death on her.

Although she walked away, she now has to focus on healing and rebuilding herself and beg to God daily to never place another vile in her life or her next step will be suicide.

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I miss Him


  

It’s amazing how you can love some so much and hurt them.My fear of commitment and getting hurt really did me in this time.

There hasn’t been many men I loved in my life. But this one I loved and regret breaking his heart. 

With many men, I was more interested in what they could offer me

But this guy…….. Yeah, I’m in love with him and I fucked it because I allowed my I insecurities and pride speak for me instead of my heart.

He will never come back but I wish he would

He’s my life partner and the only man to hold the key to my heart 

I’m Not Ashamed 

  

I’m not ashamed I am battling mental illness.I’m not ashamed than I am not “normal” and that nothing in my life has ever been easy or came to me on any type of platter.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve had to hustle for what seems like “little” to others and everything to me.

I’m not ashamed that all I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be loved and valued by others.

I’m not ashamed that there have been thousands of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep and thousands of morning I woke up in tears.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t know how to love and hope that one day someone can teach me.

I’m not ashamed that I may have missed out on good relationships because I know I am extremely hard to deal with and every “great” guy will not able to deal with me.

I’m not ashamed of my screw ups in life sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to survive. 

I’m not ashamed that I walk this earth alone with no family.

I’m not ashamed that I usually spend my holidays alone with leftover Chinese food fantasying about spending my holidays with a make believe husband and family. 

I’m not ashamed to be in the skin I’m in. For I was created with a purpose just not sure what.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve told lies in life but who hasn’t? The funny thing is the truth has been valued as lies and lies have been valued as truth.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t smile. Not really sure “how” or “why” I should.

I’m not ashamed that I think I am crazy/beautiful. The only thing I pray is that I don’t harm myself or screw my life up.

I’m not ashamed that those “friends” I cared for went out of their way to hurt me mentally, physically and tried to ruin my reputation.

I’m not ashamed that I was kidnapped as a child from my country by a mentally and physically abusive woman.

I’m not ashamed that all my life I dealt with others mentally and physically abusing me, parents who were functional crackheads, and not being loved as a child/teenager.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve never been able to admit to anyone the “true” home I grew up in out of shame and out of refusing to be that typical black girl.

I’m not ashamed that I want to seek help and overcome my mental illness 

But honestly speaking, I don’t know if I really want help…

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t think God loves me or cares for me because of the cards that he dealt me so I have a hard time believing in him and his existence. 

They say only “God” can judge me but I’ve been judged my entire life and I judge others…

Like I said “I’m not ASHAMED” 

Writ 

The intensity of the pain in my chest is increasing. My eyes are full of tears patiently waiting to release. The smile on my face is faker than a Chinatown LV bag. My mind is filled with so many thoughts. But yet my mouth remains mum. Times like now I wish I had a family who would help me out. Then though my family is my blood, I am still a stranger to them. Most have never even met me. I don’t have a boyfriend that I can depend on. It’s only me. It’s always been “Just Me”. Those I confide in can only say “hope things work out for you” or the infamous “damn”. I didn’t put myself in this situation because I mismanaged money or was too busy buying the “latest” instead on focusing on my priorities. I’m in this situation due a off n on years of cancer. I don’t mean to sound like a victim and I don’t express my thoughts on here for sympathy, but it’s my harsh reality. Battling cancer and surviving is for the rich or those who are blessed to have a circle of true friends, family and love. I suffered a mild stroke this summer due to the stress of being sick, undergoing so many medical tests, hypertension, and once again watching all of my money deplete trying to win my health battle and financial struggles. My newest reality to be set in stone on Monday, November 9, 2015 at 10am, which is the day the sheriff’s, who scheduled my eviction will be at my door to take what little I have and throw it on the street. But I have to be strong.. What a fucking joke! 

INNER THOUGHTS

Capture

Through my eyes I see that love is pain

Through my eyes, I am not allowed to make mistakes

Through my eyes, I have no beauty

Through my eyes, I see I have no soul

Through my eyes, I don’t believe in love

In my heart, I don’t believe in happiness

No matter how strong I stand, there is always someone waiting to knock me down

I hate my heart for offering any care

I hate my mind for always thinking of others

I hate myself for allowing anyone to make me feel the way I do

I hate my wall for allowing anyone, especially enemies to climb over

They say you can’t experience joy without pain

But I think the “joy” comes in seeing others in pain

I dedicated myself to seeing others happy

At a cost of sacrificing myself, my happiness and my joy

I don’t know what “happiness” feels like

I don’t know what it is to be in love or to truly be loved

To say “I love you” is nothing but meaningless words

Especially when your actions show me nothing but hate and disappointment

I think people assume because you come from pain

You are stupid enough to accept disrespect, unhappiness, more sadness and more pain

Just like you, I am human too.

Just like you, I want finer things in life

Just like you, I want to be happy and enjoy life

Just like you, I don’t want to be hurt.

But I do have an issue with inflicting pain on others

I do have an issue with testing people’s loyalty

I do experience times where my heart is cold

I do have moments where I am selfish too

No matter how many things I’ve gone through in life

I am still human just like you

Monday Night Thought 

  Love me for who I am and not because you think there is a pot of gold at the end of my rainbowLove me unconditional when I am right or wrong 

Take a stand as a man when someone disrespects me or threatens my livelihood.

Support me in good times and be my rock and my strength during bad time.

Stop looking at me as a temporary solution until you find what you are seeking.

Value me as a flawless diamond instead of cubic zirconia or fool’s gold. 

Instead of dwelling on my weakness guide me to be strong and to be better

My body and my mind is a temple that should be respected in the same fashion you respect your “God”

Understand I am a technical thinker so if I don’t understand something your way doesn’t mean I feel superior or trying to be a lawyer

It truly means I don’t understand

It takes a special man to understand me and accept me…

Today he has not come…

I’m not sure if “he” my perfect mate exists…

But I’m open to the universe to send him to me

Sometimes I sit back and think on my life thus far and cry over the situation I put myself in
I wanted to be liked and loved so bad… I forgot to love myself
I hear people say “i love you”‘, “you are a great woman” and “you’re beautiful”
But yet people have treated me so ugly, unwanted and unneeded.
I remember a time growing, looking at other girls and women
Wishing I was them or wishing to look like them
Psychologically, I have been so screwed, I forgot my own worth
I sold myself to others at the price of fool’s gold
But yet I wanted others to see me as a rare, beautiful, exotic jewel.
In life, nothing is guaranteed but death
But I will be damned if I let others continue to devalue me
As a cancer patient whose remission fluctuates
I need to value each day I am given.
I was afraid of life just as much as I was afraid of dying
And during those times….
I made myself mentally crazy.
I still blame a lot of my thought process on not being loved growing up
But I am a work in progress
I wouldn’t say I believe in “God”
But I do believe in a higher being
And no matter how much “humans” given up on me….
My guardian angels believe in me
I never wanted to be alone in life
But whatever is destined to be will be.
I just want to remain in remission
Hear the magical words “You are cancer free”
And remain in that state.
I promise be stay emotionally happiness
And stop allowing others to steal my joy
Maybe one day love will find me
Until then…..(if it ever happens) I want to continue to love, respect and honor me
I miss being a happy, ball busting, laugn out loud, sarcastic, smartass with wit so sharp even the best quality knife idolizes me
I will be back…I promise!