Mind-Boggling Blogging 

I know I will never be famous with my blogs as many people are and that’s fine. I use blogging as a tool to release my inner thoughts. Through my life of trials and tribulations, blogging my emotions during crucial times in my life has saved me. But the thing I don’t understand or will I ever care to is why people don’t stay true to themselves? 

I followed a local fashion blogger who sense of style is amazing, her creative ideas in fashion, home decor and candid eye for beautiful photography is breathtaking. She went through an extreme dark period in her life where she became an advocate for mental illness.

During her dark time,she posted battles and challenges she was facing with the “disease” and encourage other women to seek education, help and other aids in avoiding/ dealing with it. 

I commended her on it. Through her dark posts, i read interesting personal articles that I could relate to and found myself questioning my thought process. But as I got more involved in her post, I realized they were all posted for attention. She is nothing but a drama queen constantly looking for people to say “oh you’re so perfect, you’re so beautiful” beautiful physically, she is but very deceitful and not real.

During her dark time, I got to know her on a personal level and it made me realized her “mental illness” was self-inflicted because she got caught for being a liar and deceitful. 

Personally, no one is perfect and we all cry for love and attention in various ways.  A lot of times, not in a positive manner. But I respect those who own their truths whether it’s good or bad.

The major step in changing and fixing the “issue” is admitting your faults. Back to her, she went on this “mental illness” crusade for awhile until she realize it wasn’t winning her fiancé back and her followers didn’t care about her mental health.

They cared more about what she was wearing during her breakdowns. She erased any and everything relating to her journey through this.

The truth is she was never diagnosed with it. Since finding a man to give her time and attention she is (miraculously) no longer ill. Now she is riding a new horse named attention.

The post is my post, stay true to yourself and stay true to who you are. There is nothing worse than being a zombie of society (being someone other than yourself for social acceptance) 

I’m sure if she was to read this, she would  possibly assume I am jealous. I love bloggers who express THEMSELVES the real them and not facetiously. 

Don’t cry rape, mental illness, etc., just to get attention because there are a lot of us who has lived that life and have struggled or is struggling to move on from it.

Be real bitch and stop being fake! If I want to see fake…. I rather follow a minute by minute post on a celebrity.

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Morning Thought 

  

I woke up this morning with a fresh mind and heart.

I’ve been through a lot in life and always had to fight for “normality”

But what I realized last night,

My fight for normality is nothing but a mere delusion.  

Maybe this what keeps me sane.

Maybe this is what keeps me living

Maybe this what keeps my head above water

People always pretend that they are so perfect and so self righteous.

I don’t. I know I am a mess.

I know I have struggles.

I know I have wants

I know I have needs

Even through all of my fuck ups, my battle with demons, I find a way to show others love, respect, support and friendship.

Sometimes I wonder if being alone is a best option for me?

This way I don’t have to worry about caring for no one but myself.

This way no one can ever say they have dirt on me

This way no one can use me

This way I will save all tears and I don’t have to put on a poker face when people stand before me to blatantly disrespect me or try to diss me

FINALLY I have emotionally checked out

I finally accept the things people say about me

I am finally free to be me and just live without hearing “you’re full of shit”

Maybe I am….

But what about you makes you better than me?

People live in a fantasy to think they are so fucking perfect and so fucking godly.

You are the same scum you accuse me of being….

Your “Scum of the Earth” is just different from mine.

I finally feel my devil horn surfacing and I’m content with being an angel of evil.

After all, this is what everyone labels me.

So I accept the crown with honor. 

Friend/s? 

  

The easiest way to see the “realness” of those who claim to be your friend is to experience a hardship. 

Three weeks ago, I lost my job, it took me about a week to recover from the shock of it. 

Termination reason given “At Will”… Which means no reason is needed to let you go.

Maybe if I got in trouble, I could understand. maybe if I was written up, I could understand. maybe if my evaluations, work ethics, attendance was so poor, I could understand.

But to be given a “At Will” is just bullshit to me.

I find it amazing how people pretend to be support when their “friend” is going through a tough time.

Since being let go… I have been pounding the job market, interviewing, and trying to remain positive throughout this process.

So far no offers have presented itself.

My confidence, my hope, and my positivity is starting to demolish. 

I’m not lazy nor do I enjoy being home all day. 

I love to work! I’m a workaholic. 

It’s funny how people treat you during your rough time.

They pretend to care, they pretend to be supportive and they pretend to be positive. 

But throughout that temporary “front” they don’t give a fuck about you.

Because let’s be real… It’s my current situation, this is my life. 

Enemy or foe, no matter what anyone goes through, I help in any way I can.

I remember talking to a “friend” (I’m using that term sarcastically) his bank accounts were frozen due to a child support claim. He spoke on how he had no money to get back and forth to work or to eat in the meantime. The caring person I am, I send money without question or without hesitation. 

I’ve had friends who needed a roof over their head I took them in or I assisted them in any way I can. 

Because of past experiences, I decided to see how much of a “friend” some of these people truly are. So I asked to borrow money. I didn’t do it because I needed it, I did it to prove a point. 

Hoping to be wrong… But they proved me right.

Not only have I not heard from any of them since I sent the texts. But they took it to the max and unfriend me on Facebook and stop following me on Twitter…

I don’t understand these people of God. I don’t understand the “maturity” of these adults. 

Either way, I thank them for doing what they did.

May they never reach out to me again in life.

Life is hard when you have no real friends or family…

But I’m thankful to have the greatest best friend…myself

Because without “me” I would be one broken individual.

I just hope one day God will grant me the gift of selfishness…

Because caring for others is complete bullshit…. 

Don’t

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Don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining..
Don’t shit in my grass and tell me the dog did it
Don’t shoot me in the chest and tell me im having a heart attack
Don’t tell me you love me when you know got damn well you hate me
Don’t stab me in my back and tell me someone else did it
Don’t look me in my fucking eyes and tell me it’s true when we both know it’s a lie.
Don’t think you are “God” and appear when you feel like it and think I will always be waiting.
Don’t confuse my loyal and love with stupidity and desperation.
Don’t worry about what I am doing but since you are curious….
I am doing well!
I am enjoying my life
I am living life
And I have moved on with my life
So the next time you want to call and say “hello”
Just know the number you used to know is no longer in service
In order to continue on my journey of happiness
I had to let go of the past
I don’t think of you
The “memories” of “you” and “us” have been erased
The funny thing is…. I thank you for being such of piece of shit
I thank you for being a liar
I thank you for being you
Because without engaging in your terrible characteristics
I would not have come to my sense

http://youtu.be/FHp2KgyQUFk

Accepting My Demons

I’m so tired of being labeled “scum” and a liar for the life events bestowed upon me from God. I hate who I am because I was stolen as a child and given this name and this life in which it was not my original plan or destiny. I am tired of being the daughter of a kidnapper who abused with hurtful words and blunt force in the name of love and discipline. I am tired of fighting the demons of my past that plague me with the memories of my struggles and of my truth that others believe as fabricated lies and situations I’ve placed myself in. I have fought battles of loving myself and teaching myself that love doesn’t have to hurt and abuse is not normal. I went to therapy as a child and sat there as my mother made me out to be the seed of Satan and this entity who makes shit up because I was seeking attention. But never once was my mother questioned about the role she played in my life. I am a fucked up individual who believes it safer to be alone and emotionless to avoid the pain of others and seeking the feeling of wanting to be “normal”. I rather lie about where I didn’t come from only to fit in and not be deemed a liar for speaking my truth aka the truth. My story may never be read because so many people think my truth is a lie. Because no one can understand how ONE person endured so much… I will never experience “love” and “living” because I am too busy fighting for sanity and to keep my skeletons and flowers buried in an attic and grave

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