Spiritual Graduation

How do you go back to living after surviving cancer? Especially when you know there will always be that possibility that it can come back. Mentally you can’t. I remember the day I was diagnosis I sat in the doctor’s office feeling numb. My doctor grabbed my hand and told me “everything is going to be alright” I looked at him with the blankest look on my face and said “ok”. I remember him giving me a breakdown of everything I was in store for and my treatment options. At the moment, I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel loved, I want a support team around me cheering for my “speedy” recovery but instead I had to be my own support system, I had to hold myself, I had to wipe my own tears and I had to remind myself “I will be ok”. Because of this plague I faced my darkest fears and the biggest life alternating issues alone. I made myself believe I didn’t need “others”. But everyone needs someone. The problem is deciphering whose “good” and whose “bad”? I learned there is no such thing as good and bad people. In life, our paths cross for a reason, it may not be the fairy tale reasoning we always hope for but as a learning tool. I think “love” entered my life to show me I am capable of love and “love” is a possibility for me when I’m truly ready and when the universe feels it’s time. “Friendship” just like love can never be one sided. The lesson I am learning is to “let it all go” my fears, my disappointments, my pain and my anger and to realize there is nothing wrong with expressing my feelings and emotions instead of bottling them up and self numbing myself so I don’t have to deal is not the cure. I am imperfectly flawed and I’m okay with that. Now the “end” of the chapter has been written…time to begin a new chapter with a clear mind, heart and soul.

Being Me

I’m not ashamed of what I say and what I do for I know I am not perfect. My boobs may not be the fullest and my ass may not be the biggest but I am what I am. My flaws let’s me know I’m human and attempting to be perfect proves I’m trying to be like others instead of myself. My loyalty has never been respected and my “love” has never been appreciated but no matter what happens in life, I will always be there for me. Sometimes my dreams are not fulfilled and my happiness is compromised but I acknowledge the universe is denies my request because they are below what I deserve. I don’t see my own beauty, for my looks are not my great attributes. My mind, my soul and my spirit is. Sometimes my insecurities give others too much power over me so they use it to hurt me. but no matter how many tears are shed, how many relationship break and how much blood is lost I will always prevail. Others can’t make me happy but they can add to my happiness because my happiness comes from within…