The Moment of Truth

You tell her you never loved her.
You tell her you don't care for her.
You tell her she is the reason your dick can't get hard.
You tell her you hate her.
You make fun of all of her physical flaws including her surgical scars and stretch marks.
You make fun of the fact she is a survivor of abuse and call her a weak ass victim.
You laugh her for not having a mom and dad like you.
You make fun of her for being fat and having a gut.
As you are spewing this vile to her face, she continues to stand tall, stand proud and stand strong
Even though she wants to break down and cry…..
She accepts your words with no violence
She accepts knowing the truth of how the same man who once claimed to love her truly feel about her.
The sad reality, she walks everyday of her life, ashamed of her flaws.
Seeking to find love within herself to love herself as is.
But in that process, she found herself, in this moment with someone who knew her battles and made sure to go in for the kill.
There is no "I'm sorry" to heal the wounds of hearing a man who she thought was her "king" say to her she has no beauty, she has no worth, she is nothing and to even wish death on her.

Although she walked away, she now has to focus on healing and rebuilding herself and beg to God daily to never place another vile in her life or her next step will be suicide.

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My “Good Friday” Confession 

  

Woke up this morning, got dressed as usual.Fought my way through the rush hour subway traffic.

Arrived to work, did my routine “Good Morning” 

Got my routine mug of coffee and filled up my water bottle.

I sat at my desk and examined all of the cubicles full of workers around me.

Everyone smiling, everyone laughing, some speaking on upcoming birthday plans, while others spoke on their weekend/Easter plans.

All I could do was smile and listen to their wonderful plans.

I was secretly hoping no one would ask me because I would have to make up some bogus shit.

My thought at that moment is “where will I lay my head tonight”?

See, unfortunate circumstances has occurred in my life where I don’t have a place to call home or a roof over my head. 

But I make due with what I can.

Sleeping at the Amtrak and airport are my own current options and once in awhile, sleeping in a discounted hotel just to rejuvenate myself.


Not many people know that I am homeless. But I try to make due and I try to stay positive and hopeful that I will be able to have a home soon. If you saw walking down the street, you wouldn’t be able to tell I’m homeless. 


Some may read this post and not understand how I have a job and homeless. It’s simple, I just started this job and because I was in need of a job, I accepted this position/ assignment. This job is way below any dollar amount, I’ve ever been accustomed to making but right now it is providing something instead of nothing.


A few scumbags know about my situation and told me if I would given them sex, they would give me a couple of thousand to hold me over. 


But since I am not that “woman”. I declined the offer. I guess good people don’t exist anymore. 


I can’t even say I’m mad but don’t tell me “God will not ever give you more than you can handle” and don’t tell me “I’m strong and will get through this”.


One thing I know is that I am strong and that I’m a fighter. Hell, I’ve had to be strong and fight my entire life. But I would love A chance at an easy life. 


But for now, I have to remain positive. 

This is my confession on this “Holy” Good Friday…

November 1 Confession 

  

The universe has always tried to removed the negative people from my life but due to my co-dependency, my insecurities and my fear of being alone, I fought against it and felt I could change people. People have walked in and out of my life because they knew they could. They knew they could leave and come back whenever they wanted and be accepted every time with opened arms. I’ve always been vocal about my fears, my feelings and my emotions to anyone who is willing to listen and people always used it against me because They knew how much I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted. The past few weeks have been great for me! I no longer carry other people’s burden, I no longer stress myself out over shit I can’t control and I no longer hold resentment or hurt in my heart and mind for anyone. I didn’t realize these people only entered my life to use me, to abuse me and to take me for granted. Even though I still want love and acceptance, I will no longer accept “ANYTHING” or the very minimal from anyone just to have a temporary fulfillment. I will no longer lay my head in depression and cry myself to sleep over people who don’t cry for me and over things I can’t control. My life still isn’t perfect and I am still dealing with temporary roadblocks. But I am comfortable in my skin, I believe in myself, I am confident as to who I am and what I’ve come from and I know my worth and my intelligence. I pray to the universe to block those who only want to use me and hurt me and I ask the universe to to continue to teach me that everyone isn’t an enemy and it’s OK to love, smile and be happy. This is my 1st of the month confession and progress report. I’m growing and I’m glowing! 

Fear 

  

Trying to maintain my faith and trust that the universe will continue to protect me and bless me. Right now, I have very little faith. I’ve been out of work for sometime now, I’ve been trying to maintain my bills, my sanity and my health. But I am slowly failing at all three. My blood pressure is now at stroke level due to stress, my bills are due and the money I was suppose to receive has yet to be processed. In order for my unemployment to start I have to wait another 2-3 more weeks for a phone interview/conference. In the meantime, I hustle my ass off everyday by pushing out my resume and patiently wait and hope my phone rings with an opportunity. So far nothing… The thought of suicide weighs heavy on my mind. I don’t have family I can lean on and I don’t have a support system of friends. All I have is my faith (which is at 25%). I cry myself to sleep at night, I wake up crying, praying, hoping and wish today is going to be a better day. But I no longer have faith and I don’t see a job or money coming… I’m officially scared of losing the place I call home, I’m afraid of losing what little sanity I have left and I’m afraid that suicide truly seems like my only option. I survived too much to become homeless….I really need a miracle or a blessing….soon 

Struggle Rant

Everyday I try to remain strong in hopes that a blessing would bestowed upon me. Sometimes I question that “realness” of “God” and his followers and believers called “Christians”. Anyone who is ever been in need I’ve always helped without asking for anything in return but a simple thank you. But now that I am in a financial crisis..everyone wants to offer me a prayer or they feel sorry for me. I watch my “family” and “friends” brag about thousand dollar bags, shoes and clothes but when I asked for assistance everyone is broke or going through hard times. But when their asses needed food, shelter, and money I’ve never hesitated. I read in the newspaper about people being blessed with random acts of kindness and financial assistance… But who are “they” and how do I find “them”?? Until a blessing occur (which I doubt) I will try to remain strong and positive and keep my eyes dry…

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Remission Anniversary

This time of year is emotional for me. In 2011, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer and since it was only borderline stage 2, I was confident my recovery would be easy. I decided to continue working and if even I couldn’t I had a secure savings to hold me down until I returned to work. The shock I discovered is my full coverage insurance didn’t cover cancer treatment which meant out of pocket expenses. Treatment was so harsh on my body that I was always too weak and too sick to even stand. I don’t have family that I can lean on and my “true friends” so it was so outrageous to be 30 with cancer that it took too much energy to make them understand that I cut ties with them. So there I was fighting for my life alone. I would sneak out of treatment to drive myself home because I was alone. The guy I was seeing at the time was so mentally draining and waste of my time. I lied to him about “being healed” and dumping him in the same sentence. As the months went on my bank account dwindled down to the point that I had to decide on paying bills or paying for treatment to live. I chose to live. I remember waking up one morning feeling “alive” I walked out the door to see my car had been taken from me, then got an unexpected message letting me know the place I called “home” was no longer “home”. I remember sitting at the table crying so hard and so loud, I had the worse headache after the emotional fit. I had no money, I had no resources, or anyone I could ask to borrow money from. I gave up on everything life represented. I headed to treatment that morning trying to decide what other options was available to me for financial assistance for treatment and for life. The doctor and nurse walked in and all I could think was “great, now they are here to tell me I’m dying” they smiled and congratulated me for being in remission. What joyous words to hear, you would think! But I was so afraid of what comes next that it took a minute for me to digest what was said. I left my doctor with relief. So now that I survived cancer how was I going to “survive”?? I pushed myself to find a job, I accepted temp assignments, and pretty much starved myself as a way to save extra money to move. For the first time in my life I was struggling and battling depression at the same time. When I was unable to find an apartment I could afford and was willing to accept my declining credit…I started looking into shelters. Thankfully, an angel was watching over me and kept me from going into a shelter. I woke up this morning feeling so emotional because today marks 2 years of being in remission. I’m not back on my feet and comfortable like I used to be but I am thankful for the obstacles I overcame without losing my mind literally. I don’t wish that “struggle” on anyone but just know no matter what struggle you go through you can always fight your way out as long as you don’t give up. Happy Remission Anniversary to myself and those whose won the battle against cancer!

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