A Letter to My Mother 

  
Dear Mommy Dearest,
I am writing this letter to you to let you know I am letting go of my past. My entire childhood and young adulthood I begged for your love, I begged for your acceptance. I always wanted you to be proud of me. I want to know from you that I was beautiful, that I was smart but most importantly, I wanted to know you loved me.

After I left home, I was damaged, scarred and lonely. I invested my time into wanting to be loved, wanting to be accepted and wanting to be beautiful that I victimized myself in hopes of fulfilling those needs. 

Maybe you weren’t proud of me, maybe you truly didn’t love me and maybe I am/was ugly to you. But I always thought it was a mother’s duty to instill values, morals, love and things to make them grow up to better than they were at a young age.
You made me believe my dreams were stupid, you made me believe I would never be worthy of no man, love and success. I begged and I cried for your love and attention.

Even at 34, I am still begging for that. 
The difference is this time, I’m learning to love me, I am learning to accept who I am and I am learning that because of you… I went most of my life with this black cloud over my head.
I’m done with storm and I just want you to know, I accept my childhood for what it was worth, I accept you as the only mother I knew growing up and I’m letting go of all of the negative attributes and pain, you caused me. I forgive you, I love you and now I’m letting go of my past.
I will no longer continue to harbor resentment for you. I will no longer continue to spend my life looking for acceptance and love from others. Because I am proud of the woman I became. Through all of the pain, the demons, and the storms. I survived! I made it! It wasn’t easy and my life still isn’t perfect but I am no longer a victim of my past….
 

After The Storm 

  

I’ve been going through a storm that seem like it wouldn’t past. I fought with demons of depression, the demons who wanted me to give up and the demons who wanted to repo all of the things I worked so hard for. When you are in need, no one gives a fuck about you, no one cares that you are struggling, no one cares enough to offer you help. All they care about in reality is being thankful it’s not them. My stress and depression led me to experience anxiety and even suffering a mild stroke. Doctors kept telling me “you have to relax” how can anyone relax when they don’t know where their next meal is coming from or how they are going to maintain a roof over their head. Through this storm, I was able to restore some faith and belief in God, I was blessed to know the universe and my guardian angel were working overtime to get me back on my feet. But for the first time in life, I finally was able to pass the lessons I kept failing previously. Thank you for the storm, universe. Thank you for making me stop being a victim to my situations, thank you for letting me see who my real friends are, thank you for believing in me and most importantly, thank you for teaching me to love myself and to stop relying on others to see and value my worth. Now that I believe in me and I love me….I can focus on me and the things I need to do to achieve success, love and happiness and to maintain all of the greatness. 

Untitled 

  

Last week I realized I hit a new mental low.I’ve always been the type of person who would experience a brief moment of depression and then bounce back to being myself

But my current stress has taught me I’m not ok.

I wanted to think because I’ve overcame the struggles of my past that I was healed.

But I’m not healed.

My issue with myself is waiting and craving love. 

I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced true love

So my search continues

Over time, I watch people use me, abuse me, treat me like I am shit and treat me like a sucker.

I allowed them to because I believed in due time people will value my worth, people would see how amazing I am, people would appreciate me and all that I’ve done and do for others.

Currently, I’m dealing with so much that stress, anxiety and HBPare starting to plague me. 

My face is breaking out and my eyes feel weak.

I decided to see a psychiatrist.

The one thing I was expecting to hear is being diagnosed as “Severely Depression” to the point she recommended I seek intensive treatment. 

The day program, she states is for a week, where I will go there for 8 hours a day, take all of the prescribed medication(s) and go through daily group/ one on one sessions.

I did not ever think in life, I would be here

I guess when people were calling me “crazy” 

They were really seeing it and I was in denial. 

I’m determined to get through this.

I don’t want to be on heavy anti depressants or multiple medication.

But I have taken the correct steps to working on being a better and healthier me. 

I will seeking a psychologist and hope to get the closure from my hurtful past 

And get the positive encouragement and help to finally be happy.