9/11 aka September 11, 2001


15 years ago today, life in America changed forever. We went from feeling like “the land of the free” to feeling vulnerable, confused and hurt. 
On that day, 15 years ago in New York, I experienced a tragedy of seeing ou beloved Twin Towers burn, I watched people who were trapped on higher floors, plunge to their death, I heard the sound of their bodies crash hard into the ground.

New York has always been known as a rude city, but that day strangers hugged each other while comforting each other. Strangers shed tears together as we watched our skyline burn and people die before our eyes.

That day race wasn’t an issue, what tax bracket you’re apart of didn’t matter, all we cared about was hoping that help arrived quick enough to save those who were trapped. 

There were some heartless pricks who ran through the sea of dead bodies grabbing wallets, jewelry, money, cell phones. Anything they saw could be of value. 

No one for a second thought the towers would fall and when they did no matter how fast you tried to run the tsunami of debris swallowed you, lifted you up with force and tossed you. 

The moment of darkness felt like forever. As we huddle and grabbed someone nearby we assumed it was the apocalypse.   When light peaked through the dark cloud. There was a moment of hope. A moment of relief that you were still alive.

The city shut down, the city that never sleeps got some rest and weeped as the body count slowly increased. Those who survived, were quarantined until 2am.

When the quarantine was released, most of us walked to our boroughs. There was limited transportation. Women’s feet were hurting from the stylish shoes they wore that day. Outfits of suits, dresses, shirt and shorts were covered in dust as well as our faces and hair. 

Families stood before news camera speaking on their love ones who have never been found, love ones who called moments before they died to tell their families “Goodbye” and “I love you”. 

There were walls of memorials throughout the city of those who parished.  
September 11th became a day about Rudy Guilani, WTC, NYPD and NYFD, but this day was about The people who died, those who survived, those who were part of that moment from beginning to end. 

“We will never forget”

My New Journey (Homeliness) 


 
The day finally came where I lost everything. 
I, no longer, have an address and it’s been months since I’ve had a phone but I’m trying to be positive. 

I miss “home” 

I miss the roof that once covered my head.

I miss the water from my shower head that cleansed my body.

I, no longer, have a bed to lay in.

A door to turn a key in

All I have is my pride and my strength to fuel me from going completely insane.

Next week I turn 35 and all I want for my birthday is a place to live. A place to call “home”. 

I never thought in a million years I would be homeless. 

Currently, I try to sleep at the Amtrak station or in the waiting areas of the airport. 

Until I can get to my job, head to the gym and shower.

I just got this job, as of now it’s not permanent but I still go in everyday and try to put my best foot forward. 

I have no choice but to remain positive and hopefully that something will come through. 

But right now this my life. 

So anybody who says “money isn’t everything” must not have experienced homeliness or know anything about “struggle”. 

I will say…. I am trying my damned to survive this and maintain my sanity But it’s not easy especially after losing my job a year ago, plaguing health issues and exhausting my account. Now I had a “job” (an assignment) I have nowhere to sleep…ive reached out to Social Services, churches, he’ll even “celebrities” hoping for a miracle. But nothing. I don’t have family and my friends claim to be here for me…but yet again… I’m battling this alone and w/o assistance 

Please pray for me or ask the universe to bless me 

Writ 

The intensity of the pain in my chest is increasing. My eyes are full of tears patiently waiting to release. The smile on my face is faker than a Chinatown LV bag. My mind is filled with so many thoughts. But yet my mouth remains mum. Times like now I wish I had a family who would help me out. Then though my family is my blood, I am still a stranger to them. Most have never even met me. I don’t have a boyfriend that I can depend on. It’s only me. It’s always been “Just Me”. Those I confide in can only say “hope things work out for you” or the infamous “damn”. I didn’t put myself in this situation because I mismanaged money or was too busy buying the “latest” instead on focusing on my priorities. I’m in this situation due a off n on years of cancer. I don’t mean to sound like a victim and I don’t express my thoughts on here for sympathy, but it’s my harsh reality. Battling cancer and surviving is for the rich or those who are blessed to have a circle of true friends, family and love. I suffered a mild stroke this summer due to the stress of being sick, undergoing so many medical tests, hypertension, and once again watching all of my money deplete trying to win my health battle and financial struggles. My newest reality to be set in stone on Monday, November 9, 2015 at 10am, which is the day the sheriff’s, who scheduled my eviction will be at my door to take what little I have and throw it on the street. But I have to be strong.. What a fucking joke! 

No Hope

  
Sometime when I’m  facing hard times, i try to smile, have faith and try not to slip back into depression. This year has been rough for me from dealing with health issues, suffering a mile stroke, losing my job to now being served eviction papers and being told have 3 days to vacate the premises. I’ve always feared being homeless and it looks like it’s becoming a reality. The problem with renting in VA, they don’t give you no type of arrangement or anything. I’m being evicted for $400 for October and per the letter given by the rent office November is included. I just went back to work a week ago and dunno how I’m going to get out of this rut. But I will not lose my smile, and I refuse to give my depression any opportunity to rear its ugly head. But I have no options, no support system and no assistance. The downside to being me. It is meant to be will be. What is meant to be will be. I just have to accept the fuck hand life has dealt me. 

Fear 

  

Trying to maintain my faith and trust that the universe will continue to protect me and bless me. Right now, I have very little faith. I’ve been out of work for sometime now, I’ve been trying to maintain my bills, my sanity and my health. But I am slowly failing at all three. My blood pressure is now at stroke level due to stress, my bills are due and the money I was suppose to receive has yet to be processed. In order for my unemployment to start I have to wait another 2-3 more weeks for a phone interview/conference. In the meantime, I hustle my ass off everyday by pushing out my resume and patiently wait and hope my phone rings with an opportunity. So far nothing… The thought of suicide weighs heavy on my mind. I don’t have family I can lean on and I don’t have a support system of friends. All I have is my faith (which is at 25%). I cry myself to sleep at night, I wake up crying, praying, hoping and wish today is going to be a better day. But I no longer have faith and I don’t see a job or money coming… I’m officially scared of losing the place I call home, I’m afraid of losing what little sanity I have left and I’m afraid that suicide truly seems like my only option. I survived too much to become homeless….I really need a miracle or a blessing….soon 

Drunk Night Thought 

  

I’ve been drinking and drinking a lot

The numbness soothes my soul

The numbness soothes my heart.

Some people are blessed to be fucked up individuals

But Juanita is not

I am shunned for not being perfect

I am shunned for being a fighter

I am shunned for giving a fuck about others

My mouth is numb

My thoughts are racing

My world is rotating at a faster than lightening speed

Why must I suffer?

Why I must I care?

Why must I be the one to give a shit?!

When you care, you get hurt

When you love, you get shitted on

When you vent, you are petty

When you walk away, you are evil

Alcohol is my real true friend

It stops the tears from falling

It numbs the heart from caring

People want to say “I’m crazy” 

But the truth is its not me…

It’s you..

Never turn about one someone who supports you..

Never turn your back on someone who cares..

Never assume my value is fool’s gold 

And never for a second assume..you are better than me…

I don’t come from anything..

And my life has a lie…

But I have played the cards of life bestowed upon me..

And have buffed a poker table full of professionals…

I have battled real shit in my life..

While most have battled stupid shit…

Through it out…

I have maintained..grace, knowledge, strength, wisdom and intelligence…

I see the things written about me and I don’t care..

You don’t a real struggle until you have battled and defeated cancer, you have sampled being homeless

And through it all..you have maintained a level of sanity to conquer some fucked up experiences in life..

I maybe never know what being normal is…

I may never experience true love and happiness

But the few things I know is..battling,fighting,conquering and surviving….

So fuck your “pettiness” and your need for attention..

There are some real people, experiencing real issues…..

And no matter what life hands them…

They find a way to succeed…

Without or without support…

Never for a second think you need anyone to be your strength…

Strength comes from and from within comes “fight” and through comes “conquer”

So let people call you a “liar” and let people call you “weak”

Use their bullshit as Ammo to succeed…

And laugh at those who shitted on you and turned their backs as you gloriously achieve the top…..

Fuck them and do you even if it requires you doing it alone….

Spiritual Encounter

   

About a week ago, a friend’s mom passed away. He was devastated and was in disbelief that she was gone at the age of 59.

Because of my family history and not having a relationship with my mom, I had no words of sympathy for him. 

One afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch, I had this dream of being in someone’s bedroom.

In the dream, I looked into this mirror and made a comment “if a ghost is around, you would be able to see them in a mirror”. I spun around the room a few times. 

After I was done spinning in the reflection was a bed with antique mirror headboard. 

Next to the bed was an alarm clock, with porcelain white dolls. The radio was playing rap music (I think) all of a sudden, the station changed to an am station that consisted of nothing but static.

The next thing I know this olive skin woman touched my left shoulder with her left hand. 

I shouted “I don’t do this ghost shit” I hollered this in my dream several times. 

After I woke up, it hit me. The woman who I saw was my friend’s mom and I was in her bedroom.

Even though, my friend is mourning his mom… I texted him some chilling questions which left him shocked and confused as to how I got that info.

I have never met his mom nor have I been to her house.

Gifted or not, the spirit world scares me..

His mom wanted me to tell him, she did not suffer.

I saw some pictures in the dream but he has no clue about those.

If I am gifted, why am I so afraid of it?

And can it bring “good”? 

This is not the first time, I’ve had dreams of this sort. 

Every time I encounter them this feel like a static force.

No matter how hard I try to talk or scream or fight to wake up from these encounters they are strong and it touches my lips and hold my arms to keep me from jumping out.

I’ve even had premonitions that has come true from relationships breaking up to getting terminated from my job.

Does anyone have any advice or resources that will help me to understand this…..gift?!