“Juanita” Under Construction

I’ve been under construction for some time. Attempting to finish the renovations of a “new” me. I’ve been under a spiritual attack and didnt realize it. So I needed to shut myself off from most of the world to undergo the changes and renovations needed to revamp who I am physically, spirituality and emotionally. During this redevelopment I lost some contractors (“friends”), fired lazy employees (people who don’t really give a shit) and knocked down walls to make the “space” (me) more open, sunny and bright. Before this renovation started I felt condemned and didn’t think it was possible to turn a rundown building (soul) into something so luxurious but I did it with the help of the spirits and spiritual guidance. Moral of this post:  Never think you are to condemned to be refurbished and/or renovated. Its an expensive investment (not speaking in terms of money) but once its completed…your values makes you feel like you’re worth millions. Now time to renovate my “love”, “marriage”, “success” and “finances

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BTW: THE PHOTO DOESNT GO WITH THE POST BUT I LOVE IT LOL

My “Good Friday” Confession 

  

Woke up this morning, got dressed as usual.Fought my way through the rush hour subway traffic.

Arrived to work, did my routine “Good Morning” 

Got my routine mug of coffee and filled up my water bottle.

I sat at my desk and examined all of the cubicles full of workers around me.

Everyone smiling, everyone laughing, some speaking on upcoming birthday plans, while others spoke on their weekend/Easter plans.

All I could do was smile and listen to their wonderful plans.

I was secretly hoping no one would ask me because I would have to make up some bogus shit.

My thought at that moment is “where will I lay my head tonight”?

See, unfortunate circumstances has occurred in my life where I don’t have a place to call home or a roof over my head. 

But I make due with what I can.

Sleeping at the Amtrak and airport are my own current options and once in awhile, sleeping in a discounted hotel just to rejuvenate myself.


Not many people know that I am homeless. But I try to make due and I try to stay positive and hopeful that I will be able to have a home soon. If you saw walking down the street, you wouldn’t be able to tell I’m homeless. 


Some may read this post and not understand how I have a job and homeless. It’s simple, I just started this job and because I was in need of a job, I accepted this position/ assignment. This job is way below any dollar amount, I’ve ever been accustomed to making but right now it is providing something instead of nothing.


A few scumbags know about my situation and told me if I would given them sex, they would give me a couple of thousand to hold me over. 


But since I am not that “woman”. I declined the offer. I guess good people don’t exist anymore. 


I can’t even say I’m mad but don’t tell me “God will not ever give you more than you can handle” and don’t tell me “I’m strong and will get through this”.


One thing I know is that I am strong and that I’m a fighter. Hell, I’ve had to be strong and fight my entire life. But I would love A chance at an easy life. 


But for now, I have to remain positive. 

This is my confession on this “Holy” Good Friday…

I’m Not Ashamed 

  

I’m not ashamed I am battling mental illness.I’m not ashamed than I am not “normal” and that nothing in my life has ever been easy or came to me on any type of platter.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve had to hustle for what seems like “little” to others and everything to me.

I’m not ashamed that all I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be loved and valued by others.

I’m not ashamed that there have been thousands of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep and thousands of morning I woke up in tears.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t know how to love and hope that one day someone can teach me.

I’m not ashamed that I may have missed out on good relationships because I know I am extremely hard to deal with and every “great” guy will not able to deal with me.

I’m not ashamed of my screw ups in life sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to survive. 

I’m not ashamed that I walk this earth alone with no family.

I’m not ashamed that I usually spend my holidays alone with leftover Chinese food fantasying about spending my holidays with a make believe husband and family. 

I’m not ashamed to be in the skin I’m in. For I was created with a purpose just not sure what.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve told lies in life but who hasn’t? The funny thing is the truth has been valued as lies and lies have been valued as truth.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t smile. Not really sure “how” or “why” I should.

I’m not ashamed that I think I am crazy/beautiful. The only thing I pray is that I don’t harm myself or screw my life up.

I’m not ashamed that those “friends” I cared for went out of their way to hurt me mentally, physically and tried to ruin my reputation.

I’m not ashamed that I was kidnapped as a child from my country by a mentally and physically abusive woman.

I’m not ashamed that all my life I dealt with others mentally and physically abusing me, parents who were functional crackheads, and not being loved as a child/teenager.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve never been able to admit to anyone the “true” home I grew up in out of shame and out of refusing to be that typical black girl.

I’m not ashamed that I want to seek help and overcome my mental illness 

But honestly speaking, I don’t know if I really want help…

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t think God loves me or cares for me because of the cards that he dealt me so I have a hard time believing in him and his existence. 

They say only “God” can judge me but I’ve been judged my entire life and I judge others…

Like I said “I’m not ASHAMED” 

Spiritual Encounter

   

About a week ago, a friend’s mom passed away. He was devastated and was in disbelief that she was gone at the age of 59.

Because of my family history and not having a relationship with my mom, I had no words of sympathy for him. 

One afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch, I had this dream of being in someone’s bedroom.

In the dream, I looked into this mirror and made a comment “if a ghost is around, you would be able to see them in a mirror”. I spun around the room a few times. 

After I was done spinning in the reflection was a bed with antique mirror headboard. 

Next to the bed was an alarm clock, with porcelain white dolls. The radio was playing rap music (I think) all of a sudden, the station changed to an am station that consisted of nothing but static.

The next thing I know this olive skin woman touched my left shoulder with her left hand. 

I shouted “I don’t do this ghost shit” I hollered this in my dream several times. 

After I woke up, it hit me. The woman who I saw was my friend’s mom and I was in her bedroom.

Even though, my friend is mourning his mom… I texted him some chilling questions which left him shocked and confused as to how I got that info.

I have never met his mom nor have I been to her house.

Gifted or not, the spirit world scares me..

His mom wanted me to tell him, she did not suffer.

I saw some pictures in the dream but he has no clue about those.

If I am gifted, why am I so afraid of it?

And can it bring “good”? 

This is not the first time, I’ve had dreams of this sort. 

Every time I encounter them this feel like a static force.

No matter how hard I try to talk or scream or fight to wake up from these encounters they are strong and it touches my lips and hold my arms to keep me from jumping out.

I’ve even had premonitions that has come true from relationships breaking up to getting terminated from my job.

Does anyone have any advice or resources that will help me to understand this…..gift?! 

Friend/s? 

  

The easiest way to see the “realness” of those who claim to be your friend is to experience a hardship. 

Three weeks ago, I lost my job, it took me about a week to recover from the shock of it. 

Termination reason given “At Will”… Which means no reason is needed to let you go.

Maybe if I got in trouble, I could understand. maybe if I was written up, I could understand. maybe if my evaluations, work ethics, attendance was so poor, I could understand.

But to be given a “At Will” is just bullshit to me.

I find it amazing how people pretend to be support when their “friend” is going through a tough time.

Since being let go… I have been pounding the job market, interviewing, and trying to remain positive throughout this process.

So far no offers have presented itself.

My confidence, my hope, and my positivity is starting to demolish. 

I’m not lazy nor do I enjoy being home all day. 

I love to work! I’m a workaholic. 

It’s funny how people treat you during your rough time.

They pretend to care, they pretend to be supportive and they pretend to be positive. 

But throughout that temporary “front” they don’t give a fuck about you.

Because let’s be real… It’s my current situation, this is my life. 

Enemy or foe, no matter what anyone goes through, I help in any way I can.

I remember talking to a “friend” (I’m using that term sarcastically) his bank accounts were frozen due to a child support claim. He spoke on how he had no money to get back and forth to work or to eat in the meantime. The caring person I am, I send money without question or without hesitation. 

I’ve had friends who needed a roof over their head I took them in or I assisted them in any way I can. 

Because of past experiences, I decided to see how much of a “friend” some of these people truly are. So I asked to borrow money. I didn’t do it because I needed it, I did it to prove a point. 

Hoping to be wrong… But they proved me right.

Not only have I not heard from any of them since I sent the texts. But they took it to the max and unfriend me on Facebook and stop following me on Twitter…

I don’t understand these people of God. I don’t understand the “maturity” of these adults. 

Either way, I thank them for doing what they did.

May they never reach out to me again in life.

Life is hard when you have no real friends or family…

But I’m thankful to have the greatest best friend…myself

Because without “me” I would be one broken individual.

I just hope one day God will grant me the gift of selfishness…

Because caring for others is complete bullshit…. 

Accepting My Demons

I’m so tired of being labeled “scum” and a liar for the life events bestowed upon me from God. I hate who I am because I was stolen as a child and given this name and this life in which it was not my original plan or destiny. I am tired of being the daughter of a kidnapper who abused with hurtful words and blunt force in the name of love and discipline. I am tired of fighting the demons of my past that plague me with the memories of my struggles and of my truth that others believe as fabricated lies and situations I’ve placed myself in. I have fought battles of loving myself and teaching myself that love doesn’t have to hurt and abuse is not normal. I went to therapy as a child and sat there as my mother made me out to be the seed of Satan and this entity who makes shit up because I was seeking attention. But never once was my mother questioned about the role she played in my life. I am a fucked up individual who believes it safer to be alone and emotionless to avoid the pain of others and seeking the feeling of wanting to be “normal”. I rather lie about where I didn’t come from only to fit in and not be deemed a liar for speaking my truth aka the truth. My story may never be read because so many people think my truth is a lie. Because no one can understand how ONE person endured so much… I will never experience “love” and “living” because I am too busy fighting for sanity and to keep my skeletons and flowers buried in an attic and grave

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Struggle Rant

Everyday I try to remain strong in hopes that a blessing would bestowed upon me. Sometimes I question that “realness” of “God” and his followers and believers called “Christians”. Anyone who is ever been in need I’ve always helped without asking for anything in return but a simple thank you. But now that I am in a financial crisis..everyone wants to offer me a prayer or they feel sorry for me. I watch my “family” and “friends” brag about thousand dollar bags, shoes and clothes but when I asked for assistance everyone is broke or going through hard times. But when their asses needed food, shelter, and money I’ve never hesitated. I read in the newspaper about people being blessed with random acts of kindness and financial assistance… But who are “they” and how do I find “them”?? Until a blessing occur (which I doubt) I will try to remain strong and positive and keep my eyes dry…

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