Spiritually Shook

Yesterday my spirit was shook after receiving an e-mail from my ex. We split over six months ago and for the life of me I couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this e-mail about some things I may have or may not have said about him. In his e-mail he told me he is trying to move on with his life and I should be doing the same. But yet I received an e-mail. I made it clear to him I’ve cut off communication from most of the world to avoid he say/she say gossip. But yet it found me. His final reply was “this wasn’t said recently and I would appreciate if you keep my name out of your mouth” for the life of me I don’t understand why this e-mail was received then I found myself over analyzing things to see if I could find clarity. That e-mail and the moments spent replying drained me spiritually. I made a lot of mistakes in life, I’ve done and said things that weren’t the most positive and hurt others in the process. I can’t take those things back but I have prayed on them and I’ve asked for forgiveness from the universe. I will admit I played vitcim in some situations but I’ve grown from them, I’ve learned valuable lessons and have been living a positive life for some time now. The past year has been the hardest year of my life but spiritually, it has been the most rewarding. I lost everything and even though it was a painful time, I learned to appreciate life and I learned I didnt need to manipulate situations just to see if others care for me. I missed out on love growing up and spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s trying to hustle, survive and find someone to love me even though I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love me so it made me fail in all relationships. After losing everything I learned to love myself, I let go of my past and left everything in God’s hands. I still have moments of doubt, I still have negative moments but I’m in a better place spiritually….. I will the negativity of my past would go away. I’m only embracing on positivity.

 

Verbal Bully

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I am a bigger “mess” than I thought. I always took pride in helping and caring for others but never realized and saw for every “good” I did, I destroyed it by being negative and hurtful to others. I was always great at “reading” people for the bullshit and drama they do/did and had no chill when it came to being blunt and “honest” in my views of you.

I never understood why people labeled me a verbal bully especially if it was a situation when we were all cracking rude and mean jokes. I was the only person who never knew when to stop. I always went too far. Now that I know, I feel ashamed.

I knew I was swimming in the “negativity” pool but never noticed I actually drowned. Today, I took the time to read past posts and saw the same negativity. Maybe that’s why I fell the way I did in life so I can get see my faults and get my shit together.

I guess in a sick and twisted way, I became my (nemesis) “adopted” mother’s daughter. Now that I know I have hurt people and now that I truly know I was a verbal bully, I have begun the process to change that. Little by little, I am beginning to see things clearer. I always wanted people to “save” me but how can they save me when I’ve refused to acknowledge I was drowning instead of swimming?

My heart has been consumed with so much hate. I know I have gone through a lot in my life but it is no excuse for my actions especially when I wanted love, happiness and friendship. Even though I have lost a lot of friends along the way, I am ready to start anew and will make sure to not repeat the same cycles. Even if I have to excuse myself during “mean-spirited” sessions of talking about others.

I apologize spiritually from my soul to those I have hurt and hope the universe will forgive for my wrongdoings.

The End

My Blogging Thoughts on “LOVE” 

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Never get upset over someone leaving you especially during your time of need. Love is an emotional roller coaster. Love goes through highs and lows…and sometimes you sustain some blows if you’re not acting right. but when a person truly loves you, They challenge your negative ways because they know you can do and be better… Love is unconditional, love can not be turned off like a light switch….love doesn’t cheat nor sample someone’s else grass and love never turns its back even when they are mad…. Most important lesson in love…never love someone more than they can love you. Sometimes a breakup is not one sided. #bloggersthoughts 

LOVE? 

 

I never understood the expression of “love conquers all” maybe because I’ve never experienced that type of love or maybe when love presented its self I found a way to destroy it. Which in my opinion proves “love doesn’t conquer all” or my idea of what love is translate to me as a fairytale that doesn’t exist. My mind sAys “I want love” and “I am open to love” but the love I seek never comes from the ones I want it from. It is displayed from the men I have no interest in….

Either way, I’m not sure if I truly believe in love and highly doubt I will ever experience love and marriage….


But I’m open to the idea…


If you read this post, then you can see how confused the thought behind “love” is because the writer of this post (me) is totally confused…

The question remains; What is “love”???

Flashback Sunday

  

I remember just turning 18, feeling the excitement of prom and graduation, I remember listening to this song, and crying over how much at 18, I’ve overcome even in my young life. I promised myself after graduation, I was going to be rich and very successful and I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything stop me. Too bad, I didn’t keep my promise. I always thought I would still have my best friends for life, I am sitting on my couch, going through my HS playlist and this song popped up. All I could do was smile and think back to the first time I heard this song…. My success was deferred but I will fulfill my promise I made to a younger me. I swear today has been an inspirational and enlightening Sunday…. No more tears, no more fears, no more hurt, and no more pain…..only happiness, good/fun life, love, and good health!!

Morning Thought 

  

I woke up this morning with a fresh mind and heart.

I’ve been through a lot in life and always had to fight for “normality”

But what I realized last night,

My fight for normality is nothing but a mere delusion.  

Maybe this what keeps me sane.

Maybe this is what keeps me living

Maybe this what keeps my head above water

People always pretend that they are so perfect and so self righteous.

I don’t. I know I am a mess.

I know I have struggles.

I know I have wants

I know I have needs

Even through all of my fuck ups, my battle with demons, I find a way to show others love, respect, support and friendship.

Sometimes I wonder if being alone is a best option for me?

This way I don’t have to worry about caring for no one but myself.

This way no one can ever say they have dirt on me

This way no one can use me

This way I will save all tears and I don’t have to put on a poker face when people stand before me to blatantly disrespect me or try to diss me

FINALLY I have emotionally checked out

I finally accept the things people say about me

I am finally free to be me and just live without hearing “you’re full of shit”

Maybe I am….

But what about you makes you better than me?

People live in a fantasy to think they are so fucking perfect and so fucking godly.

You are the same scum you accuse me of being….

Your “Scum of the Earth” is just different from mine.

I finally feel my devil horn surfacing and I’m content with being an angel of evil.

After all, this is what everyone labels me.

So I accept the crown with honor. 

Happy

I’m not ashamed of what I say and what I do for I know I am not perfect. My boobs may not be the fullest and my ass may not be the biggest but I am what I am. My flaws let’s me know I’m human and attempting to be perfect proves I’m trying to be like others instead of myself. My loyalty has never been respected and my “love” has never been appreciated but no matter what happens in life, I will always be there for me. Sometimes my dreams are not fulfilled and my happiness is compromised but I acknowledge the universe denies my request because they are below what I deserve. I don’t see my own beauty for looks are not my great attributes but My mind, my soul and my spirit are my greatest attributes. Sometimes my insecurities give others too much power so they use it to hurt me but no matter how many tears are shed, how many relationships are broken and how much blood is lost I will always prevail. Others can’t make me happy but they can add to my happiness..but I know my happiness comes from within…and I am “Happy”

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