Yesterday my spirit was shook after receiving an e-mail from my ex. We split over six months ago and for the life of me I couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this e-mail about some things I may have or may not have said about him. In his e-mail he told me he is trying to move on with his life and I should be doing the same. But yet I received an e-mail. I made it clear to him I’ve cut off communication from most of the world to avoid he say/she say gossip. But yet it found me. His final reply was “this wasn’t said recently and I would appreciate if you keep my name out of your mouth” for the life of me I don’t understand why this e-mail was received then I found myself over analyzing things to see if I could find clarity. That e-mail and the moments spent replying drained me spiritually. I made a lot of mistakes in life, I’ve done and said things that weren’t the most positive and hurt others in the process. I can’t take those things back but I have prayed on them and I’ve asked for forgiveness from the universe. I will admit I played vitcim in some situations but I’ve grown from them, I’ve learned valuable lessons and have been living a positive life for some time now. The past year has been the hardest year of my life but spiritually, it has been the most rewarding. I lost everything and even though it was a painful time, I learned to appreciate life and I learned I didnt need to manipulate situations just to see if others care for me. I missed out on love growing up and spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s trying to hustle, survive and find someone to love me even though I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love me so it made me fail in all relationships. After losing everything I learned to love myself, I let go of my past and left everything in God’s hands. I still have moments of doubt, I still have negative moments but I’m in a better place spiritually….. I will the negativity of my past would go away. I’m only embracing on positivity.
I am a bigger “mess” than I thought. I always took pride in helping and caring for others but never realized and saw for every “good” I did, I destroyed it by being negative and hurtful to others. I was always great at “reading” people for the bullshit and drama they do/did and had no chill when it came to being blunt and “honest” in my views of you.
I never understood why people labeled me a verbal bully especially if it was a situation when we were all cracking rude and mean jokes. I was the only person who never knew when to stop. I always went too far. Now that I know, I feel ashamed.
I knew I was swimming in the “negativity” pool but never noticed I actually drowned. Today, I took the time to read past posts and saw the same negativity. Maybe that’s why I fell the way I did in life so I can get see my faults and get my shit together.
I guess in a sick and twisted way, I became my (nemesis) “adopted” mother’s daughter. Now that I know I have hurt people and now that I truly know I was a verbal bully, I have begun the process to change that. Little by little, I am beginning to see things clearer. I always wanted people to “save” me but how can they save me when I’ve refused to acknowledge I was drowning instead of swimming?
My heart has been consumed with so much hate. I know I have gone through a lot in my life but it is no excuse for my actions especially when I wanted love, happiness and friendship. Even though I have lost a lot of friends along the way, I am ready to start anew and will make sure to not repeat the same cycles. Even if I have to excuse myself during “mean-spirited” sessions of talking about others.
I apologize spiritually from my soul to those I have hurt and hope the universe will forgive for my wrongdoings.
Never get upset over someone leaving you especially during your time of need. Love is an emotional roller coaster. Love goes through highs and lows…and sometimes you sustain some blows if you’re not acting right. but when a person truly loves you, They challenge your negative ways because they know you can do and be better… Love is unconditional, love can not be turned off like a light switch….love doesn’t cheat nor sample someone’s else grass and love never turns its back even when they are mad…. Most important lesson in love…never love someone more than they can love you. Sometimes a breakup is not one sided. #bloggersthoughts
I never understood the expression of “love conquers all” maybe because I’ve never experienced that type of love or maybe when love presented its self I found a way to destroy it. Which in my opinion proves “love doesn’t conquer all” or my idea of what love is translate to me as a fairytale that doesn’t exist. My mind sAys “I want love” and “I am open to love” but the love I seek never comes from the ones I want it from. It is displayed from the men I have no interest in….
Either way, I’m not sure if I truly believe in love and highly doubt I will ever experience love and marriage….
But I’m open to the idea…
If you read this post, then you can see how confused the thought behind “love” is because the writer of this post (me) is totally confused…
As the holiday season vastly approach, I can’t help but look back on this past year and think about how much I’ve overcome this year. From suffering a minor stroke, being diagnosed with kidney disease, battling depression, losing my job and almost facing homelessness. I always want to remain positive and hope things will always get better but it’s hard to be positive when you walk this earth alone. I don’t have people I can depend on when “shit hits the fan” but I do have people that always care to listen. I hope 2016 is better year. A year that focuses on love, career advancements, happiness and great mental and physical health.
I remember just turning 18, feeling the excitement of prom and graduation, I remember listening to this song, and crying over how much at 18, I’ve overcome even in my young life. I promised myself after graduation, I was going to be rich and very successful and I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything stop me. Too bad, I didn’t keep my promise. I always thought I would still have my best friends for life, I am sitting on my couch, going through my HS playlist and this song popped up. All I could do was smile and think back to the first time I heard this song…. My success was deferred but I will fulfill my promise I made to a younger me. I swear today has been an inspirational and enlightening Sunday…. No more tears, no more fears, no more hurt, and no more pain…..only happiness, good/fun life, love, and good health!!