The Moment of Truth

You tell her you never loved her.
You tell her you don't care for her.
You tell her she is the reason your dick can't get hard.
You tell her you hate her.
You make fun of all of her physical flaws including her surgical scars and stretch marks.
You make fun of the fact she is a survivor of abuse and call her a weak ass victim.
You laugh her for not having a mom and dad like you.
You make fun of her for being fat and having a gut.
As you are spewing this vile to her face, she continues to stand tall, stand proud and stand strong
Even though she wants to break down and cry…..
She accepts your words with no violence
She accepts knowing the truth of how the same man who once claimed to love her truly feel about her.
The sad reality, she walks everyday of her life, ashamed of her flaws.
Seeking to find love within herself to love herself as is.
But in that process, she found herself, in this moment with someone who knew her battles and made sure to go in for the kill.
There is no "I'm sorry" to heal the wounds of hearing a man who she thought was her "king" say to her she has no beauty, she has no worth, she is nothing and to even wish death on her.

Although she walked away, she now has to focus on healing and rebuilding herself and beg to God daily to never place another vile in her life or her next step will be suicide.

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Mind-Boggling Blogging 

I know I will never be famous with my blogs as many people are and that’s fine. I use blogging as a tool to release my inner thoughts. Through my life of trials and tribulations, blogging my emotions during crucial times in my life has saved me. But the thing I don’t understand or will I ever care to is why people don’t stay true to themselves? 

I followed a local fashion blogger who sense of style is amazing, her creative ideas in fashion, home decor and candid eye for beautiful photography is breathtaking. She went through an extreme dark period in her life where she became an advocate for mental illness.

During her dark time,she posted battles and challenges she was facing with the “disease” and encourage other women to seek education, help and other aids in avoiding/ dealing with it. 

I commended her on it. Through her dark posts, i read interesting personal articles that I could relate to and found myself questioning my thought process. But as I got more involved in her post, I realized they were all posted for attention. She is nothing but a drama queen constantly looking for people to say “oh you’re so perfect, you’re so beautiful” beautiful physically, she is but very deceitful and not real.

During her dark time, I got to know her on a personal level and it made me realized her “mental illness” was self-inflicted because she got caught for being a liar and deceitful. 

Personally, no one is perfect and we all cry for love and attention in various ways.  A lot of times, not in a positive manner. But I respect those who own their truths whether it’s good or bad.

The major step in changing and fixing the “issue” is admitting your faults. Back to her, she went on this “mental illness” crusade for awhile until she realize it wasn’t winning her fiancé back and her followers didn’t care about her mental health.

They cared more about what she was wearing during her breakdowns. She erased any and everything relating to her journey through this.

The truth is she was never diagnosed with it. Since finding a man to give her time and attention she is (miraculously) no longer ill. Now she is riding a new horse named attention.

The post is my post, stay true to yourself and stay true to who you are. There is nothing worse than being a zombie of society (being someone other than yourself for social acceptance) 

I’m sure if she was to read this, she would  possibly assume I am jealous. I love bloggers who express THEMSELVES the real them and not facetiously. 

Don’t cry rape, mental illness, etc., just to get attention because there are a lot of us who has lived that life and have struggled or is struggling to move on from it.

Be real bitch and stop being fake! If I want to see fake…. I rather follow a minute by minute post on a celebrity.

Spiritually Shook

Yesterday my spirit was shook after receiving an e-mail from my ex. We split over six months ago and for the life of me I couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this e-mail about some things I may have or may not have said about him. In his e-mail he told me he is trying to move on with his life and I should be doing the same. But yet I received an e-mail. I made it clear to him I’ve cut off communication from most of the world to avoid he say/she say gossip. But yet it found me. His final reply was “this wasn’t said recently and I would appreciate if you keep my name out of your mouth” for the life of me I don’t understand why this e-mail was received then I found myself over analyzing things to see if I could find clarity. That e-mail and the moments spent replying drained me spiritually. I made a lot of mistakes in life, I’ve done and said things that weren’t the most positive and hurt others in the process. I can’t take those things back but I have prayed on them and I’ve asked for forgiveness from the universe. I will admit I played vitcim in some situations but I’ve grown from them, I’ve learned valuable lessons and have been living a positive life for some time now. The past year has been the hardest year of my life but spiritually, it has been the most rewarding. I lost everything and even though it was a painful time, I learned to appreciate life and I learned I didnt need to manipulate situations just to see if others care for me. I missed out on love growing up and spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s trying to hustle, survive and find someone to love me even though I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love me so it made me fail in all relationships. After losing everything I learned to love myself, I let go of my past and left everything in God’s hands. I still have moments of doubt, I still have negative moments but I’m in a better place spiritually….. I will the negativity of my past would go away. I’m only embracing on positivity.

 

Verbal Bully

Capture

I am a bigger “mess” than I thought. I always took pride in helping and caring for others but never realized and saw for every “good” I did, I destroyed it by being negative and hurtful to others. I was always great at “reading” people for the bullshit and drama they do/did and had no chill when it came to being blunt and “honest” in my views of you.

I never understood why people labeled me a verbal bully especially if it was a situation when we were all cracking rude and mean jokes. I was the only person who never knew when to stop. I always went too far. Now that I know, I feel ashamed.

I knew I was swimming in the “negativity” pool but never noticed I actually drowned. Today, I took the time to read past posts and saw the same negativity. Maybe that’s why I fell the way I did in life so I can get see my faults and get my shit together.

I guess in a sick and twisted way, I became my (nemesis) “adopted” mother’s daughter. Now that I know I have hurt people and now that I truly know I was a verbal bully, I have begun the process to change that. Little by little, I am beginning to see things clearer. I always wanted people to “save” me but how can they save me when I’ve refused to acknowledge I was drowning instead of swimming?

My heart has been consumed with so much hate. I know I have gone through a lot in my life but it is no excuse for my actions especially when I wanted love, happiness and friendship. Even though I have lost a lot of friends along the way, I am ready to start anew and will make sure to not repeat the same cycles. Even if I have to excuse myself during “mean-spirited” sessions of talking about others.

I apologize spiritually from my soul to those I have hurt and hope the universe will forgive for my wrongdoings.

The End

My “Good Friday” Confession 

  

Woke up this morning, got dressed as usual.Fought my way through the rush hour subway traffic.

Arrived to work, did my routine “Good Morning” 

Got my routine mug of coffee and filled up my water bottle.

I sat at my desk and examined all of the cubicles full of workers around me.

Everyone smiling, everyone laughing, some speaking on upcoming birthday plans, while others spoke on their weekend/Easter plans.

All I could do was smile and listen to their wonderful plans.

I was secretly hoping no one would ask me because I would have to make up some bogus shit.

My thought at that moment is “where will I lay my head tonight”?

See, unfortunate circumstances has occurred in my life where I don’t have a place to call home or a roof over my head. 

But I make due with what I can.

Sleeping at the Amtrak and airport are my own current options and once in awhile, sleeping in a discounted hotel just to rejuvenate myself.


Not many people know that I am homeless. But I try to make due and I try to stay positive and hopeful that I will be able to have a home soon. If you saw walking down the street, you wouldn’t be able to tell I’m homeless. 


Some may read this post and not understand how I have a job and homeless. It’s simple, I just started this job and because I was in need of a job, I accepted this position/ assignment. This job is way below any dollar amount, I’ve ever been accustomed to making but right now it is providing something instead of nothing.


A few scumbags know about my situation and told me if I would given them sex, they would give me a couple of thousand to hold me over. 


But since I am not that “woman”. I declined the offer. I guess good people don’t exist anymore. 


I can’t even say I’m mad but don’t tell me “God will not ever give you more than you can handle” and don’t tell me “I’m strong and will get through this”.


One thing I know is that I am strong and that I’m a fighter. Hell, I’ve had to be strong and fight my entire life. But I would love A chance at an easy life. 


But for now, I have to remain positive. 

This is my confession on this “Holy” Good Friday…

I’m Not Ashamed 

  

I’m not ashamed I am battling mental illness.I’m not ashamed than I am not “normal” and that nothing in my life has ever been easy or came to me on any type of platter.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve had to hustle for what seems like “little” to others and everything to me.

I’m not ashamed that all I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be loved and valued by others.

I’m not ashamed that there have been thousands of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep and thousands of morning I woke up in tears.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t know how to love and hope that one day someone can teach me.

I’m not ashamed that I may have missed out on good relationships because I know I am extremely hard to deal with and every “great” guy will not able to deal with me.

I’m not ashamed of my screw ups in life sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to survive. 

I’m not ashamed that I walk this earth alone with no family.

I’m not ashamed that I usually spend my holidays alone with leftover Chinese food fantasying about spending my holidays with a make believe husband and family. 

I’m not ashamed to be in the skin I’m in. For I was created with a purpose just not sure what.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve told lies in life but who hasn’t? The funny thing is the truth has been valued as lies and lies have been valued as truth.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t smile. Not really sure “how” or “why” I should.

I’m not ashamed that I think I am crazy/beautiful. The only thing I pray is that I don’t harm myself or screw my life up.

I’m not ashamed that those “friends” I cared for went out of their way to hurt me mentally, physically and tried to ruin my reputation.

I’m not ashamed that I was kidnapped as a child from my country by a mentally and physically abusive woman.

I’m not ashamed that all my life I dealt with others mentally and physically abusing me, parents who were functional crackheads, and not being loved as a child/teenager.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve never been able to admit to anyone the “true” home I grew up in out of shame and out of refusing to be that typical black girl.

I’m not ashamed that I want to seek help and overcome my mental illness 

But honestly speaking, I don’t know if I really want help…

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t think God loves me or cares for me because of the cards that he dealt me so I have a hard time believing in him and his existence. 

They say only “God” can judge me but I’ve been judged my entire life and I judge others…

Like I said “I’m not ASHAMED” 

After The Storm 

  

I’ve been going through a storm that seem like it wouldn’t past. I fought with demons of depression, the demons who wanted me to give up and the demons who wanted to repo all of the things I worked so hard for. When you are in need, no one gives a fuck about you, no one cares that you are struggling, no one cares enough to offer you help. All they care about in reality is being thankful it’s not them. My stress and depression led me to experience anxiety and even suffering a mild stroke. Doctors kept telling me “you have to relax” how can anyone relax when they don’t know where their next meal is coming from or how they are going to maintain a roof over their head. Through this storm, I was able to restore some faith and belief in God, I was blessed to know the universe and my guardian angel were working overtime to get me back on my feet. But for the first time in life, I finally was able to pass the lessons I kept failing previously. Thank you for the storm, universe. Thank you for making me stop being a victim to my situations, thank you for letting me see who my real friends are, thank you for believing in me and most importantly, thank you for teaching me to love myself and to stop relying on others to see and value my worth. Now that I believe in me and I love me….I can focus on me and the things I need to do to achieve success, love and happiness and to maintain all of the greatness.