INNER THOUGHTS

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Through my eyes I see that love is pain

Through my eyes, I am not allowed to make mistakes

Through my eyes, I have no beauty

Through my eyes, I see I have no soul

Through my eyes, I don’t believe in love

In my heart, I don’t believe in happiness

No matter how strong I stand, there is always someone waiting to knock me down

I hate my heart for offering any care

I hate my mind for always thinking of others

I hate myself for allowing anyone to make me feel the way I do

I hate my wall for allowing anyone, especially enemies to climb over

They say you can’t experience joy without pain

But I think the “joy” comes in seeing others in pain

I dedicated myself to seeing others happy

At a cost of sacrificing myself, my happiness and my joy

I don’t know what “happiness” feels like

I don’t know what it is to be in love or to truly be loved

To say “I love you” is nothing but meaningless words

Especially when your actions show me nothing but hate and disappointment

I think people assume because you come from pain

You are stupid enough to accept disrespect, unhappiness, more sadness and more pain

Just like you, I am human too.

Just like you, I want finer things in life

Just like you, I want to be happy and enjoy life

Just like you, I don’t want to be hurt.

But I do have an issue with inflicting pain on others

I do have an issue with testing people’s loyalty

I do experience times where my heart is cold

I do have moments where I am selfish too

No matter how many things I’ve gone through in life

I am still human just like you

Morning Thought

  

Woke up this morning in an unfamiliar head space. The sun is shining bright, the birds are chirping, the sky is crystal blue with small streaks of white. I woke up feeling different. I woke up with no sense of emotion, feeling or thought. It’s a feeling of knowing I’m here and everything that’s suppose to around me is there. It feels like nothing means anything to me anymore. I don’t yearn to be happy, but I don’t feel sad. I don’t worry about the future, I don’t care about the present and I’m unbothered by the past. As I’m walking and typing this on my iPhone… I wonder why I feel this way? Why aren’t my eyes getting teary? Why am I not complaining about how I do for others and get shitted on in return? I, no longer feel amused by my sarcasm or to be sarcastic. I’m just here I guess. I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad feeling. I just accept it like I am accepting everything else in my life. People say you control your own destiny… If this were true.. I would’ve figured out my “talent/s”. I would’ve been successful, happy, and enjoying life. The key things I wanted in life. I had vision boards, I prayed on it, I asked “spirits” for assistance. But yet this is my life. I guess there is some task or lesson the universe is waiting for me to complete and pass before I receive my gifts…..But I don’t know where to start or how to achieve it.

Until then….

I’m just here 

Moment of Truth 

  Tonight a hosted a GS vs Clebeland Basketball party….I had the pleasure of watching a married couple… Where the husband was around his friends and brought his wife….

Throughout the evening he divided his time equally to providing his wife attention while still congregating with his friends…

Not one time tonight was she left alone.

Sometimes I wish for a man with similar quality…

I generally attract self absorbed arrogant men that feel their presence is all that’s required and defined as love…

Currently I’m sitting on my own couch idolizing a couple whom I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with on several occasions and wonder what does it take to find my perfect mate???

What does it take to find a man who is in love and attentive to my wants and needs

I have a mean streak within me

But no man aka ex can ever say I never gave my all…

What is it that others have that I lack that I am on the outside looking in wishes for that kind of love…

What I’ve prayed to God for since age 18…

Maybe it’s true…. 

Love isn’t for everyone 

On another note #winGoldenStatewin

Monday Night Thought 

  Love me for who I am and not because you think there is a pot of gold at the end of my rainbowLove me unconditional when I am right or wrong 

Take a stand as a man when someone disrespects me or threatens my livelihood.

Support me in good times and be my rock and my strength during bad time.

Stop looking at me as a temporary solution until you find what you are seeking.

Value me as a flawless diamond instead of cubic zirconia or fool’s gold. 

Instead of dwelling on my weakness guide me to be strong and to be better

My body and my mind is a temple that should be respected in the same fashion you respect your “God”

Understand I am a technical thinker so if I don’t understand something your way doesn’t mean I feel superior or trying to be a lawyer

It truly means I don’t understand

It takes a special man to understand me and accept me…

Today he has not come…

I’m not sure if “he” my perfect mate exists…

But I’m open to the universe to send him to me