Spare me the “RIP” Maya Angelou and how she was inspiration to you! I dont recall reading any inspirational poems that included disrespecting yourself, twerking, turning up or down, and posing with your ass out and fucking men that dont belong to you…… save your RIPs for the Superhead…… she was more inspirational to most of you than Maya Angelou. Dr. Maya Angelou was a woman of grace, intelligence and a matriarch of overcoming struggles and battles. She should be honored by those whose lives she touched not because her death is trending on social media. Educate yourself on what this woman went through in her life and how she overcame those struggles without losing degrading herself and others.
I watched this documentary on being a dark black girl and it made me cry. For so long I hated my dark skin, my kinky hair, my big lips and my big face. I wished everyday that “God” would love me enough to make me lighter. I wanted dimples, I wanted lighter skin and I wanted long curly hair. But “God” never answered me. If anything I felt he wanted to torment me. For every night I prayed and cried to God to make me lighter, my mother would tell me “how ugly I was” how big my head and face was. I remember going out with my mother and she would compliment the beauty of lighter skinned children and speak on how she wished they were her daughters instead of me. I would’ve given anything in the world to be lighter to feel love from my mother.i truly felt she didn’t love me because I was dark. I wanted to feel accepted by her, to feel I am beautiful to her. For my strength, my love and my values were to come from her. I remember she would bathe me in bleach and tell me to soak in for 10 minutes. I wonder if this was to ensure my “dirty” body was cleaned or to see if I would “lighten” any??? I never wanted to have dark friends. Most of my life my friends were either light skinned or of different nationalities. I figured if I surround myself with light..I would become light…. I remember being emotionally jealous of my lighter skinned friends because they could look like road kill laying in the middle of a road in desert heat and men would approach them while I would put on my “best” everything and be overlooked for them. I dated outside of my race most of my life because men of other races found me beautiful and men within my own race thought of me as “ugly” and on top of being “ugly” not having a huge ass. I remember reading “The Bluest Eye” because I could relate to it. I don’t know if I will ever believe “My dark black skin is beautiful” but I Love “me” more today than I have in most of my life. Please check out this documentary!
Understand, i am a woman….not to be confused with being a “whore”, a “groupie”, a “side piece” or a quick “fuck”. Therefore, when you approach me, approach with the respect and mannerism, you would approach your mother or grandmother. Do not speak to me in a sexual manner or assume because I will go out on a date with you that i will end the night fucking you. Thanks to the degrade in self-respect and self-pride of women these days, men have forgotten the proper way to talk to a woman. If the only conversation we can engage in consist of sexual matters or celebrity gossip then we dont need to talk. I am not the female on youtube making twerk videos, I am not the female on social media posing in every picture with my ass out. Why? because that is not who i am and feel I shouldnt have to expose myself to be considered beautiful. Please understand I dont find penis pics or self-pleasing videos as sexy. I am at a stage in my life where I am seeking a man of quality and respect not a teenage boy in a grown man’s body asking as if he is going through puberty. Is social media the blame for this?
Sometimes i fight the urge to try my hand at suicide. I am so tired of being a failure. I am tired of always trying to be seen as someone instead of the no one views me as. I go out of my way to ensure others smile. But everyone seems to find a way to make me frown. It’s not easy being me and each day i am stuck fighting this battle of wanting to be accepted, wanted to be loved and wanting to be liked. I am always trying to put my best foot forward but somehow I manage to trip over my own feet. I wish i was important, I wish I was beautiful and i wish others would see the beauty within me and my outter beauty. I will never know what happiness is like because so many people line up to stone me in hopes of seeing me fall so they cheer and say to each other “I told you so”. I wish i knew what my “talents” were and how i could capitalize on them. I’m so tired of walking with this storm cloud over my head, I am tired of feeling sad and weak. I am so fucking tired of “FIGHTING” got damn it! I fought my entire childhood, I fought during my teenage life, I fought during my 20s and now i am in my 30s and i am still fighting! i’m so fucking mad at the world, i dont know what to do with myself anymore. It’s obvious this world doesnt need me because if it did I would be enjoying life and instead of fighting battles, obstacles and for survival. I wish my life was easy…….
This is not a suicidal note…just a note of fustration and anger…..
I’m not ashamed of what I say and what I do for I know I am not perfect. My boobs may not be the fullest and my ass may not be the biggest but I am what I am. My flaws let’s me know I’m human and attempting to be perfect proves I’m trying to be like others instead of myself. My loyalty has never been respected and my “love” has never been appreciated but no matter what happens in life, I will always be there for me. Sometimes my dreams are not fulfilled and my happiness is compromised but I acknowledge the universe denies my request because they are below what I deserve. I don’t see my own beauty for looks are not my great attributes but My mind, my soul and my spirit are my greatest attributes. Sometimes my insecurities give others too much power so they use it to hurt me but no matter how many tears are shed, how many relationships are broken and how much blood is lost I will always prevail. Others can’t make me happy but they can add to my happiness..but I know my happiness comes from within…and I am “Happy”