Spiritually Shook

Yesterday my spirit was shook after receiving an e-mail from my ex. We split over six months ago and for the life of me I couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this e-mail about some things I may have or may not have said about him. In his e-mail he told me he is trying to move on with his life and I should be doing the same. But yet I received an e-mail. I made it clear to him I’ve cut off communication from most of the world to avoid he say/she say gossip. But yet it found me. His final reply was “this wasn’t said recently and I would appreciate if you keep my name out of your mouth” for the life of me I don’t understand why this e-mail was received then I found myself over analyzing things to see if I could find clarity. That e-mail and the moments spent replying drained me spiritually. I made a lot of mistakes in life, I’ve done and said things that weren’t the most positive and hurt others in the process. I can’t take those things back but I have prayed on them and I’ve asked for forgiveness from the universe. I will admit I played vitcim in some situations but I’ve grown from them, I’ve learned valuable lessons and have been living a positive life for some time now. The past year has been the hardest year of my life but spiritually, it has been the most rewarding. I lost everything and even though it was a painful time, I learned to appreciate life and I learned I didnt need to manipulate situations just to see if others care for me. I missed out on love growing up and spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s trying to hustle, survive and find someone to love me even though I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love me so it made me fail in all relationships. After losing everything I learned to love myself, I let go of my past and left everything in God’s hands. I still have moments of doubt, I still have negative moments but I’m in a better place spiritually….. I will the negativity of my past would go away. I’m only embracing on positivity.

 

Verbal Bully

Capture

I am a bigger “mess” than I thought. I always took pride in helping and caring for others but never realized and saw for every “good” I did, I destroyed it by being negative and hurtful to others. I was always great at “reading” people for the bullshit and drama they do/did and had no chill when it came to being blunt and “honest” in my views of you.

I never understood why people labeled me a verbal bully especially if it was a situation when we were all cracking rude and mean jokes. I was the only person who never knew when to stop. I always went too far. Now that I know, I feel ashamed.

I knew I was swimming in the “negativity” pool but never noticed I actually drowned. Today, I took the time to read past posts and saw the same negativity. Maybe that’s why I fell the way I did in life so I can get see my faults and get my shit together.

I guess in a sick and twisted way, I became my (nemesis) “adopted” mother’s daughter. Now that I know I have hurt people and now that I truly know I was a verbal bully, I have begun the process to change that. Little by little, I am beginning to see things clearer. I always wanted people to “save” me but how can they save me when I’ve refused to acknowledge I was drowning instead of swimming?

My heart has been consumed with so much hate. I know I have gone through a lot in my life but it is no excuse for my actions especially when I wanted love, happiness and friendship. Even though I have lost a lot of friends along the way, I am ready to start anew and will make sure to not repeat the same cycles. Even if I have to excuse myself during “mean-spirited” sessions of talking about others.

I apologize spiritually from my soul to those I have hurt and hope the universe will forgive for my wrongdoings.

The End

My Peace 

It broke my heart when people who claimed to care aboutme gave no fucks that I was living on the streets as a homeless woman

There were days I didn’t know whether to feel angry or sad because my greatest fear became my reality and I was forced to deal with it on my own

People can never understand why I am emotionally unavailable and why it is so difficult for me to love

Because I don’t feel people give a shit about me unless it is beneficial to them

Those that knew about me being homeless didn’t offer a meal, a bed or anything to me. 

They lived their lives as if everything was good while 

I celebrated my 35th bday on the streets.

I have been wearing the same articles of clothing in rotation since March 21st along with one pair of uncomfortable shoes

I snuck into my new job early in the mornings just so I could shower and freshen myself as if i just arrived in the office from home

I went days without sleep because the airport and bus station seats aren’t comfortable and every 10 mins a loud announcement was being made

I survived being robbed in a shelter and felt safer roaming streets late at night then to spend another night in the shelter.

My arms and shoulders are numb from carrying my two survival bags.

But I survived with a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life 

As much as I’ve always needed friends and love

I realized my only friend and lover is myself…..

My Blogging Thoughts on “LOVE” 

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Never get upset over someone leaving you especially during your time of need. Love is an emotional roller coaster. Love goes through highs and lows…and sometimes you sustain some blows if you’re not acting right. but when a person truly loves you, They challenge your negative ways because they know you can do and be better… Love is unconditional, love can not be turned off like a light switch….love doesn’t cheat nor sample someone’s else grass and love never turns its back even when they are mad…. Most important lesson in love…never love someone more than they can love you. Sometimes a breakup is not one sided. #bloggersthoughts 

Fashion??

Freedom of expression with clothing, shoes and accessories. The talk of fashion week was KingKanye. The world considered his fashion show as “Genius” “Edgy” and “Futuristic”. 

I actually….  

As I looked at the photos from his show.. I realized I’ve seen this look before…

As I kept scrolling through the photos it dawned on me… “I’ve seen this style before” 

  

Picture this: Fox Channel, mid 90s… 

  A show called “In Living Color” introduced us to a character named Anton…

Anton was a homeless drunk bum played by Damon Wayan… 

 

Fashion looks familiar, Kanye?!  

But since he is “Yeezus” I’m sure he gives no fucks!! 

I’m sure the “homeless” look by KingKanye and Adidas probably cost over $10,000 

All I’m trying to say is give credit where credits do Kanye and consider naming the line “The Anton Collection” by Kanye and Adidas 

Cheers, to your continuing success! 

 

   

 

Flashback Sunday

  

I remember just turning 18, feeling the excitement of prom and graduation, I remember listening to this song, and crying over how much at 18, I’ve overcome even in my young life. I promised myself after graduation, I was going to be rich and very successful and I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything stop me. Too bad, I didn’t keep my promise. I always thought I would still have my best friends for life, I am sitting on my couch, going through my HS playlist and this song popped up. All I could do was smile and think back to the first time I heard this song…. My success was deferred but I will fulfill my promise I made to a younger me. I swear today has been an inspirational and enlightening Sunday…. No more tears, no more fears, no more hurt, and no more pain…..only happiness, good/fun life, love, and good health!!

Monday Night Thought 

  Love me for who I am and not because you think there is a pot of gold at the end of my rainbowLove me unconditional when I am right or wrong 

Take a stand as a man when someone disrespects me or threatens my livelihood.

Support me in good times and be my rock and my strength during bad time.

Stop looking at me as a temporary solution until you find what you are seeking.

Value me as a flawless diamond instead of cubic zirconia or fool’s gold. 

Instead of dwelling on my weakness guide me to be strong and to be better

My body and my mind is a temple that should be respected in the same fashion you respect your “God”

Understand I am a technical thinker so if I don’t understand something your way doesn’t mean I feel superior or trying to be a lawyer

It truly means I don’t understand

It takes a special man to understand me and accept me…

Today he has not come…

I’m not sure if “he” my perfect mate exists…

But I’m open to the universe to send him to me