Late Night Cry

what does a “basic” woman have to do to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel valued and to feel wanted?

Trying to maintain being “strong” is making me weak emotionally.

I get ridiculed for “accusations” and for “lies” but my truth and the things that I do (positively) goes unnoticed and unimported.

If I was the type to act on impulse..I would lose

If I was the type to remain unresponsive and take shit as is…I would still lose..

Wtf do I have to do to win? To be recognized as being “genuine” “honest” “loving” “beautiful” and intelligent?

I watch too many walk in and out of my life

No matter how hard I try to “fight” and accept the hand dealt to me..

I still lose…

 I’m tired of fucking losing…


Wtf does it take to win?! 

Being a good woman is not good enough..

Being highly sexual is exciting in the moment but pointless when sex is not involved…

I’ve been cheated on..,

Ignored..

Disrespected..

Disregarded…

And unwanted for far too long…

I gave up on love, marriage and commitment…

What more do I need to give up on?

life?! 

I’m tired of giving my heart to have it returned balled up, stabbed, and chewed up in return…

Spirit Guides guide me to happiness and love because I’m sick of misery, hurt and pain  

I’m tired of feeling alone and feeling pain and betrayal….

For once in my life, I am mute from sarcasm and from smiles 

 

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Mental thought 

The world is great at telling me my downfalls and where I fall short

But when I achieve goals and accomplishments the world sits still and quiet. My biggest problem in life is I want to feel loved and I want to be accepted. I use my sarcasm for popularity. But sometimes coming up with new material isn’t easy. I roamed this earth seeking for love and each time I fail at it… The past (ex boyfriends) come into my present thinking they have a chance at my future. The thing I’ve never understood is how come you couldn’t love me during the time we were together? The insecurities of my dark skin seems to haunt me more and more. I wonder if my skin is lighter would I be loved more and better?! Would I be wanted and highly favored? Some women can look at themselves in the mirror and see their beauty. I look at myself in the mirror and point out every flaw about me. No matter how much I want to change the “negative”… I can’t.. I hate it when people tell me later on in life how much they care for me but when they were apart of my life they treated me like shit. I don’t believe people truly love and care about me…. I frown and cry more than I smile. It seems as if sadness is who I am. Maybe I should stop fighting it and accept it. Because I have yet to see, believe, and experience what “love” is…….
Crazy thing is….
I wrote this thought in blood… Because my heart and soul bleeds for happiness, love, success, marriage and good health…… I feel if I bleed a lil more each time..the universe will one day hear my cries….
Until then……