Mind

  

The thoughts running through my mind like a hamster on a wheel.

The emotional combination of anger,sadness,depression and loneliness is like a volcano…

With the combo becomes too heavy, the mental volcano erupts violently and aggressively.

The tears fall like raindrops in an Amazon..

But the tears don’t sooth the pain, the anger, it can’t cool off the ashes from the volcanic eruptions

My head ends up feeling like the “eye” of the storm, a category 5 hurricane

The pain in my head hurts so bad it affects my eyes and my head pounds in four areas of my brain….

Man… I’m falling deep in depression.


Fear 

  

Trying to maintain my faith and trust that the universe will continue to protect me and bless me. Right now, I have very little faith. I’ve been out of work for sometime now, I’ve been trying to maintain my bills, my sanity and my health. But I am slowly failing at all three. My blood pressure is now at stroke level due to stress, my bills are due and the money I was suppose to receive has yet to be processed. In order for my unemployment to start I have to wait another 2-3 more weeks for a phone interview/conference. In the meantime, I hustle my ass off everyday by pushing out my resume and patiently wait and hope my phone rings with an opportunity. So far nothing… The thought of suicide weighs heavy on my mind. I don’t have family I can lean on and I don’t have a support system of friends. All I have is my faith (which is at 25%). I cry myself to sleep at night, I wake up crying, praying, hoping and wish today is going to be a better day. But I no longer have faith and I don’t see a job or money coming… I’m officially scared of losing the place I call home, I’m afraid of losing what little sanity I have left and I’m afraid that suicide truly seems like my only option. I survived too much to become homeless….I really need a miracle or a blessing….soon 

Mental vs Emotional 

  The world finds a way to judge and deem one crazy or insane. In some cases, there are crazy people in the world and in other cases, there are people who are misunderstood. To be emotional is to be considered weak. To release tears in front of any one other than thy self is to be placed on a stage for ridicule and shame. The missing trait in a lot of people is “empathy”. No two people are the same and everyone has a different story of struggle and overcoming obstacles. Just because a person releases thoughts and emotions differently from you doesn’t make them crazy. Some people, I agree some are harder to understand than others but it doesn’t make them weak or a waste. Tough love is not for everyone. To tell an emotional person about their down falls is not to be the shit out of them and once they are down you poke them with a stick and ask if they are ok and tell them how much of “pussy” they are. You have to learn to understand a person in order to help or to be supportive. The thing I find so fascinating.. A person shows more empathy, love and support to a physical abuser, someone who uses weapons to attack, someone who threatens real harm than they do to someone who is emotional is crying to be loved. Why?!

Flashback Sunday

  

I remember just turning 18, feeling the excitement of prom and graduation, I remember listening to this song, and crying over how much at 18, I’ve overcome even in my young life. I promised myself after graduation, I was going to be rich and very successful and I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything stop me. Too bad, I didn’t keep my promise. I always thought I would still have my best friends for life, I am sitting on my couch, going through my HS playlist and this song popped up. All I could do was smile and think back to the first time I heard this song…. My success was deferred but I will fulfill my promise I made to a younger me. I swear today has been an inspirational and enlightening Sunday…. No more tears, no more fears, no more hurt, and no more pain…..only happiness, good/fun life, love, and good health!!

Drunk Night Thought 

  

I’ve been drinking and drinking a lot

The numbness soothes my soul

The numbness soothes my heart.

Some people are blessed to be fucked up individuals

But Juanita is not

I am shunned for not being perfect

I am shunned for being a fighter

I am shunned for giving a fuck about others

My mouth is numb

My thoughts are racing

My world is rotating at a faster than lightening speed

Why must I suffer?

Why I must I care?

Why must I be the one to give a shit?!

When you care, you get hurt

When you love, you get shitted on

When you vent, you are petty

When you walk away, you are evil

Alcohol is my real true friend

It stops the tears from falling

It numbs the heart from caring

People want to say “I’m crazy” 

But the truth is its not me…

It’s you..

Never turn about one someone who supports you..

Never turn your back on someone who cares..

Never assume my value is fool’s gold 

And never for a second assume..you are better than me…

I don’t come from anything..

And my life has a lie…

But I have played the cards of life bestowed upon me..

And have buffed a poker table full of professionals…

I have battled real shit in my life..

While most have battled stupid shit…

Through it out…

I have maintained..grace, knowledge, strength, wisdom and intelligence…

I see the things written about me and I don’t care..

You don’t a real struggle until you have battled and defeated cancer, you have sampled being homeless

And through it all..you have maintained a level of sanity to conquer some fucked up experiences in life..

I maybe never know what being normal is…

I may never experience true love and happiness

But the few things I know is..battling,fighting,conquering and surviving….

So fuck your “pettiness” and your need for attention..

There are some real people, experiencing real issues…..

And no matter what life hands them…

They find a way to succeed…

Without or without support…

Never for a second think you need anyone to be your strength…

Strength comes from and from within comes “fight” and through comes “conquer”

So let people call you a “liar” and let people call you “weak”

Use their bullshit as Ammo to succeed…

And laugh at those who shitted on you and turned their backs as you gloriously achieve the top…..

Fuck them and do you even if it requires you doing it alone….

Morning Thought 

  

I woke up this morning with a fresh mind and heart.

I’ve been through a lot in life and always had to fight for “normality”

But what I realized last night,

My fight for normality is nothing but a mere delusion.  

Maybe this what keeps me sane.

Maybe this is what keeps me living

Maybe this what keeps my head above water

People always pretend that they are so perfect and so self righteous.

I don’t. I know I am a mess.

I know I have struggles.

I know I have wants

I know I have needs

Even through all of my fuck ups, my battle with demons, I find a way to show others love, respect, support and friendship.

Sometimes I wonder if being alone is a best option for me?

This way I don’t have to worry about caring for no one but myself.

This way no one can ever say they have dirt on me

This way no one can use me

This way I will save all tears and I don’t have to put on a poker face when people stand before me to blatantly disrespect me or try to diss me

FINALLY I have emotionally checked out

I finally accept the things people say about me

I am finally free to be me and just live without hearing “you’re full of shit”

Maybe I am….

But what about you makes you better than me?

People live in a fantasy to think they are so fucking perfect and so fucking godly.

You are the same scum you accuse me of being….

Your “Scum of the Earth” is just different from mine.

I finally feel my devil horn surfacing and I’m content with being an angel of evil.

After all, this is what everyone labels me.

So I accept the crown with honor. 

Spiritual Encounter

   

About a week ago, a friend’s mom passed away. He was devastated and was in disbelief that she was gone at the age of 59.

Because of my family history and not having a relationship with my mom, I had no words of sympathy for him. 

One afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch, I had this dream of being in someone’s bedroom.

In the dream, I looked into this mirror and made a comment “if a ghost is around, you would be able to see them in a mirror”. I spun around the room a few times. 

After I was done spinning in the reflection was a bed with antique mirror headboard. 

Next to the bed was an alarm clock, with porcelain white dolls. The radio was playing rap music (I think) all of a sudden, the station changed to an am station that consisted of nothing but static.

The next thing I know this olive skin woman touched my left shoulder with her left hand. 

I shouted “I don’t do this ghost shit” I hollered this in my dream several times. 

After I woke up, it hit me. The woman who I saw was my friend’s mom and I was in her bedroom.

Even though, my friend is mourning his mom… I texted him some chilling questions which left him shocked and confused as to how I got that info.

I have never met his mom nor have I been to her house.

Gifted or not, the spirit world scares me..

His mom wanted me to tell him, she did not suffer.

I saw some pictures in the dream but he has no clue about those.

If I am gifted, why am I so afraid of it?

And can it bring “good”? 

This is not the first time, I’ve had dreams of this sort. 

Every time I encounter them this feel like a static force.

No matter how hard I try to talk or scream or fight to wake up from these encounters they are strong and it touches my lips and hold my arms to keep me from jumping out.

I’ve even had premonitions that has come true from relationships breaking up to getting terminated from my job.

Does anyone have any advice or resources that will help me to understand this…..gift?!