Trying to maintain my faith and trust that the universe will continue to protect me and bless me. Right now, I have very little faith. I’ve been out of work for sometime now, I’ve been trying to maintain my bills, my sanity and my health. But I am slowly failing at all three. My blood pressure is now at stroke level due to stress, my bills are due and the money I was suppose to receive has yet to be processed. In order for my unemployment to start I have to wait another 2-3 more weeks for a phone interview/conference. In the meantime, I hustle my ass off everyday by pushing out my resume and patiently wait and hope my phone rings with an opportunity. So far nothing… The thought of suicide weighs heavy on my mind. I don’t have family I can lean on and I don’t have a support system of friends. All I have is my faith (which is at 25%). I cry myself to sleep at night, I wake up crying, praying, hoping and wish today is going to be a better day. But I no longer have faith and I don’t see a job or money coming… I’m officially scared of losing the place I call home, I’m afraid of losing what little sanity I have left and I’m afraid that suicide truly seems like my only option. I survived too much to become homeless….I really need a miracle or a blessing….soon
The world finds a way to judge and deem one crazy or insane. In some cases, there are crazy people in the world and in other cases, there are people who are misunderstood. To be emotional is to be considered weak. To release tears in front of any one other than thy self is to be placed on a stage for ridicule and shame. The missing trait in a lot of people is “empathy”. No two people are the same and everyone has a different story of struggle and overcoming obstacles. Just because a person releases thoughts and emotions differently from you doesn’t make them crazy. Some people, I agree some are harder to understand than others but it doesn’t make them weak or a waste. Tough love is not for everyone. To tell an emotional person about their down falls is not to be the shit out of them and once they are down you poke them with a stick and ask if they are ok and tell them how much of “pussy” they are. You have to learn to understand a person in order to help or to be supportive. The thing I find so fascinating.. A person shows more empathy, love and support to a physical abuser, someone who uses weapons to attack, someone who threatens real harm than they do to someone who is emotional is crying to be loved. Why?!
I remember just turning 18, feeling the excitement of prom and graduation, I remember listening to this song, and crying over how much at 18, I’ve overcome even in my young life. I promised myself after graduation, I was going to be rich and very successful and I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything stop me. Too bad, I didn’t keep my promise. I always thought I would still have my best friends for life, I am sitting on my couch, going through my HS playlist and this song popped up. All I could do was smile and think back to the first time I heard this song…. My success was deferred but I will fulfill my promise I made to a younger me. I swear today has been an inspirational and enlightening Sunday…. No more tears, no more fears, no more hurt, and no more pain…..only happiness, good/fun life, love, and good health!!
I woke up this morning with a fresh mind and heart.
I’ve been through a lot in life and always had to fight for “normality”
But what I realized last night,
My fight for normality is nothing but a mere delusion.
Maybe this what keeps me sane.
Maybe this is what keeps me living
Maybe this what keeps my head above water
People always pretend that they are so perfect and so self righteous.
I don’t. I know I am a mess.
I know I have struggles.
I know I have wants
I know I have needs
Even through all of my fuck ups, my battle with demons, I find a way to show others love, respect, support and friendship.
Sometimes I wonder if being alone is a best option for me?
This way I don’t have to worry about caring for no one but myself.
This way no one can ever say they have dirt on me
This way no one can use me
This way I will save all tears and I don’t have to put on a poker face when people stand before me to blatantly disrespect me or try to diss me
FINALLY I have emotionally checked out
I finally accept the things people say about me
I am finally free to be me and just live without hearing “you’re full of shit”
Maybe I am….
But what about you makes you better than me?
People live in a fantasy to think they are so fucking perfect and so fucking godly.
You are the same scum you accuse me of being….
Your “Scum of the Earth” is just different from mine.
I finally feel my devil horn surfacing and I’m content with being an angel of evil.
After all, this is what everyone labels me.
So I accept the crown with honor.
About a week ago, a friend’s mom passed away. He was devastated and was in disbelief that she was gone at the age of 59.
Because of my family history and not having a relationship with my mom, I had no words of sympathy for him.
One afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch, I had this dream of being in someone’s bedroom.
In the dream, I looked into this mirror and made a comment “if a ghost is around, you would be able to see them in a mirror”. I spun around the room a few times.
After I was done spinning in the reflection was a bed with antique mirror headboard.
Next to the bed was an alarm clock, with porcelain white dolls. The radio was playing rap music (I think) all of a sudden, the station changed to an am station that consisted of nothing but static.
The next thing I know this olive skin woman touched my left shoulder with her left hand.
I shouted “I don’t do this ghost shit” I hollered this in my dream several times.
After I woke up, it hit me. The woman who I saw was my friend’s mom and I was in her bedroom.
Even though, my friend is mourning his mom… I texted him some chilling questions which left him shocked and confused as to how I got that info.
I have never met his mom nor have I been to her house.
Gifted or not, the spirit world scares me..
His mom wanted me to tell him, she did not suffer.
I saw some pictures in the dream but he has no clue about those.
If I am gifted, why am I so afraid of it?
And can it bring “good”?
This is not the first time, I’ve had dreams of this sort.
Every time I encounter them this feel like a static force.
No matter how hard I try to talk or scream or fight to wake up from these encounters they are strong and it touches my lips and hold my arms to keep me from jumping out.
I’ve even had premonitions that has come true from relationships breaking up to getting terminated from my job.
Does anyone have any advice or resources that will help me to understand this…..gift?!
The easiest way to see the “realness” of those who claim to be your friend is to experience a hardship.
Three weeks ago, I lost my job, it took me about a week to recover from the shock of it.
Termination reason given “At Will”… Which means no reason is needed to let you go.
Maybe if I got in trouble, I could understand. maybe if I was written up, I could understand. maybe if my evaluations, work ethics, attendance was so poor, I could understand.
But to be given a “At Will” is just bullshit to me.
I find it amazing how people pretend to be support when their “friend” is going through a tough time.
Since being let go… I have been pounding the job market, interviewing, and trying to remain positive throughout this process.
So far no offers have presented itself.
My confidence, my hope, and my positivity is starting to demolish.
I’m not lazy nor do I enjoy being home all day.
I love to work! I’m a workaholic.
It’s funny how people treat you during your rough time.
They pretend to care, they pretend to be supportive and they pretend to be positive.
But throughout that temporary “front” they don’t give a fuck about you.
Because let’s be real… It’s my current situation, this is my life.
Enemy or foe, no matter what anyone goes through, I help in any way I can.
I remember talking to a “friend” (I’m using that term sarcastically) his bank accounts were frozen due to a child support claim. He spoke on how he had no money to get back and forth to work or to eat in the meantime. The caring person I am, I send money without question or without hesitation.
I’ve had friends who needed a roof over their head I took them in or I assisted them in any way I can.
Because of past experiences, I decided to see how much of a “friend” some of these people truly are. So I asked to borrow money. I didn’t do it because I needed it, I did it to prove a point.
Hoping to be wrong… But they proved me right.
Not only have I not heard from any of them since I sent the texts. But they took it to the max and unfriend me on Facebook and stop following me on Twitter…
I don’t understand these people of God. I don’t understand the “maturity” of these adults.
Either way, I thank them for doing what they did.
May they never reach out to me again in life.
Life is hard when you have no real friends or family…
But I’m thankful to have the greatest best friend…myself
Because without “me” I would be one broken individual.
I just hope one day God will grant me the gift of selfishness…
Because caring for others is complete bullshit….