The Moment of Truth

You tell her you never loved her.
You tell her you don't care for her.
You tell her she is the reason your dick can't get hard.
You tell her you hate her.
You make fun of all of her physical flaws including her surgical scars and stretch marks.
You make fun of the fact she is a survivor of abuse and call her a weak ass victim.
You laugh her for not having a mom and dad like you.
You make fun of her for being fat and having a gut.
As you are spewing this vile to her face, she continues to stand tall, stand proud and stand strong
Even though she wants to break down and cry…..
She accepts your words with no violence
She accepts knowing the truth of how the same man who once claimed to love her truly feel about her.
The sad reality, she walks everyday of her life, ashamed of her flaws.
Seeking to find love within herself to love herself as is.
But in that process, she found herself, in this moment with someone who knew her battles and made sure to go in for the kill.
There is no "I'm sorry" to heal the wounds of hearing a man who she thought was her "king" say to her she has no beauty, she has no worth, she is nothing and to even wish death on her.

Although she walked away, she now has to focus on healing and rebuilding herself and beg to God daily to never place another vile in her life or her next step will be suicide.

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My Peace 

It broke my heart when people who claimed to care aboutme gave no fucks that I was living on the streets as a homeless woman

There were days I didn’t know whether to feel angry or sad because my greatest fear became my reality and I was forced to deal with it on my own

People can never understand why I am emotionally unavailable and why it is so difficult for me to love

Because I don’t feel people give a shit about me unless it is beneficial to them

Those that knew about me being homeless didn’t offer a meal, a bed or anything to me. 

They lived their lives as if everything was good while 

I celebrated my 35th bday on the streets.

I have been wearing the same articles of clothing in rotation since March 21st along with one pair of uncomfortable shoes

I snuck into my new job early in the mornings just so I could shower and freshen myself as if i just arrived in the office from home

I went days without sleep because the airport and bus station seats aren’t comfortable and every 10 mins a loud announcement was being made

I survived being robbed in a shelter and felt safer roaming streets late at night then to spend another night in the shelter.

My arms and shoulders are numb from carrying my two survival bags.

But I survived with a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life 

As much as I’ve always needed friends and love

I realized my only friend and lover is myself…..

I’m Not Ashamed 

  

I’m not ashamed I am battling mental illness.I’m not ashamed than I am not “normal” and that nothing in my life has ever been easy or came to me on any type of platter.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve had to hustle for what seems like “little” to others and everything to me.

I’m not ashamed that all I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be loved and valued by others.

I’m not ashamed that there have been thousands of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep and thousands of morning I woke up in tears.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t know how to love and hope that one day someone can teach me.

I’m not ashamed that I may have missed out on good relationships because I know I am extremely hard to deal with and every “great” guy will not able to deal with me.

I’m not ashamed of my screw ups in life sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to survive. 

I’m not ashamed that I walk this earth alone with no family.

I’m not ashamed that I usually spend my holidays alone with leftover Chinese food fantasying about spending my holidays with a make believe husband and family. 

I’m not ashamed to be in the skin I’m in. For I was created with a purpose just not sure what.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve told lies in life but who hasn’t? The funny thing is the truth has been valued as lies and lies have been valued as truth.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t smile. Not really sure “how” or “why” I should.

I’m not ashamed that I think I am crazy/beautiful. The only thing I pray is that I don’t harm myself or screw my life up.

I’m not ashamed that those “friends” I cared for went out of their way to hurt me mentally, physically and tried to ruin my reputation.

I’m not ashamed that I was kidnapped as a child from my country by a mentally and physically abusive woman.

I’m not ashamed that all my life I dealt with others mentally and physically abusing me, parents who were functional crackheads, and not being loved as a child/teenager.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve never been able to admit to anyone the “true” home I grew up in out of shame and out of refusing to be that typical black girl.

I’m not ashamed that I want to seek help and overcome my mental illness 

But honestly speaking, I don’t know if I really want help…

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t think God loves me or cares for me because of the cards that he dealt me so I have a hard time believing in him and his existence. 

They say only “God” can judge me but I’ve been judged my entire life and I judge others…

Like I said “I’m not ASHAMED” 

No Hope

  
Sometime when I’m  facing hard times, i try to smile, have faith and try not to slip back into depression. This year has been rough for me from dealing with health issues, suffering a mile stroke, losing my job to now being served eviction papers and being told have 3 days to vacate the premises. I’ve always feared being homeless and it looks like it’s becoming a reality. The problem with renting in VA, they don’t give you no type of arrangement or anything. I’m being evicted for $400 for October and per the letter given by the rent office November is included. I just went back to work a week ago and dunno how I’m going to get out of this rut. But I will not lose my smile, and I refuse to give my depression any opportunity to rear its ugly head. But I have no options, no support system and no assistance. The downside to being me. It is meant to be will be. What is meant to be will be. I just have to accept the fuck hand life has dealt me. 

A Letter to My Mother 

  
Dear Mommy Dearest,
I am writing this letter to you to let you know I am letting go of my past. My entire childhood and young adulthood I begged for your love, I begged for your acceptance. I always wanted you to be proud of me. I want to know from you that I was beautiful, that I was smart but most importantly, I wanted to know you loved me.

After I left home, I was damaged, scarred and lonely. I invested my time into wanting to be loved, wanting to be accepted and wanting to be beautiful that I victimized myself in hopes of fulfilling those needs. 

Maybe you weren’t proud of me, maybe you truly didn’t love me and maybe I am/was ugly to you. But I always thought it was a mother’s duty to instill values, morals, love and things to make them grow up to better than they were at a young age.
You made me believe my dreams were stupid, you made me believe I would never be worthy of no man, love and success. I begged and I cried for your love and attention.

Even at 34, I am still begging for that. 
The difference is this time, I’m learning to love me, I am learning to accept who I am and I am learning that because of you… I went most of my life with this black cloud over my head.
I’m done with storm and I just want you to know, I accept my childhood for what it was worth, I accept you as the only mother I knew growing up and I’m letting go of all of the negative attributes and pain, you caused me. I forgive you, I love you and now I’m letting go of my past.
I will no longer continue to harbor resentment for you. I will no longer continue to spend my life looking for acceptance and love from others. Because I am proud of the woman I became. Through all of the pain, the demons, and the storms. I survived! I made it! It wasn’t easy and my life still isn’t perfect but I am no longer a victim of my past….
 

After The Storm 

  

I’ve been going through a storm that seem like it wouldn’t past. I fought with demons of depression, the demons who wanted me to give up and the demons who wanted to repo all of the things I worked so hard for. When you are in need, no one gives a fuck about you, no one cares that you are struggling, no one cares enough to offer you help. All they care about in reality is being thankful it’s not them. My stress and depression led me to experience anxiety and even suffering a mild stroke. Doctors kept telling me “you have to relax” how can anyone relax when they don’t know where their next meal is coming from or how they are going to maintain a roof over their head. Through this storm, I was able to restore some faith and belief in God, I was blessed to know the universe and my guardian angel were working overtime to get me back on my feet. But for the first time in life, I finally was able to pass the lessons I kept failing previously. Thank you for the storm, universe. Thank you for making me stop being a victim to my situations, thank you for letting me see who my real friends are, thank you for believing in me and most importantly, thank you for teaching me to love myself and to stop relying on others to see and value my worth. Now that I believe in me and I love me….I can focus on me and the things I need to do to achieve success, love and happiness and to maintain all of the greatness. 

INNER THOUGHTS

Capture

Through my eyes I see that love is pain

Through my eyes, I am not allowed to make mistakes

Through my eyes, I have no beauty

Through my eyes, I see I have no soul

Through my eyes, I don’t believe in love

In my heart, I don’t believe in happiness

No matter how strong I stand, there is always someone waiting to knock me down

I hate my heart for offering any care

I hate my mind for always thinking of others

I hate myself for allowing anyone to make me feel the way I do

I hate my wall for allowing anyone, especially enemies to climb over

They say you can’t experience joy without pain

But I think the “joy” comes in seeing others in pain

I dedicated myself to seeing others happy

At a cost of sacrificing myself, my happiness and my joy

I don’t know what “happiness” feels like

I don’t know what it is to be in love or to truly be loved

To say “I love you” is nothing but meaningless words

Especially when your actions show me nothing but hate and disappointment

I think people assume because you come from pain

You are stupid enough to accept disrespect, unhappiness, more sadness and more pain

Just like you, I am human too.

Just like you, I want finer things in life

Just like you, I want to be happy and enjoy life

Just like you, I don’t want to be hurt.

But I do have an issue with inflicting pain on others

I do have an issue with testing people’s loyalty

I do experience times where my heart is cold

I do have moments where I am selfish too

No matter how many things I’ve gone through in life

I am still human just like you