The Realization 

I’m not mentally ill. I am a broken woman who has been seeking true love and family. I realized it easy to label someone as “mental ill” when you don’t understand the journey they’ve been on. My tears don’t come from being ungrateful and selfish, my tears come from being alone wishing I had a supportive family and/or a mommy or daddy who loves me. I’ve had to battle so man obstacles alone. I wish my mom told me I was beautiful, I wished my mom told me I am smart, I am beautiful and that I could be anything my heart desired. As I grow old the pain is the same at 34 as it was at 13. That’s why I wish for love, marriage and family so bad…I just want to be accepted, I just want love, happiness, and family. If that’s classified as “mental illness” I call bullshit 

I’m Not Ashamed 

  

I’m not ashamed I am battling mental illness.I’m not ashamed than I am not “normal” and that nothing in my life has ever been easy or came to me on any type of platter.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve had to hustle for what seems like “little” to others and everything to me.

I’m not ashamed that all I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be loved and valued by others.

I’m not ashamed that there have been thousands of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep and thousands of morning I woke up in tears.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t know how to love and hope that one day someone can teach me.

I’m not ashamed that I may have missed out on good relationships because I know I am extremely hard to deal with and every “great” guy will not able to deal with me.

I’m not ashamed of my screw ups in life sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to survive. 

I’m not ashamed that I walk this earth alone with no family.

I’m not ashamed that I usually spend my holidays alone with leftover Chinese food fantasying about spending my holidays with a make believe husband and family. 

I’m not ashamed to be in the skin I’m in. For I was created with a purpose just not sure what.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve told lies in life but who hasn’t? The funny thing is the truth has been valued as lies and lies have been valued as truth.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t smile. Not really sure “how” or “why” I should.

I’m not ashamed that I think I am crazy/beautiful. The only thing I pray is that I don’t harm myself or screw my life up.

I’m not ashamed that those “friends” I cared for went out of their way to hurt me mentally, physically and tried to ruin my reputation.

I’m not ashamed that I was kidnapped as a child from my country by a mentally and physically abusive woman.

I’m not ashamed that all my life I dealt with others mentally and physically abusing me, parents who were functional crackheads, and not being loved as a child/teenager.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve never been able to admit to anyone the “true” home I grew up in out of shame and out of refusing to be that typical black girl.

I’m not ashamed that I want to seek help and overcome my mental illness 

But honestly speaking, I don’t know if I really want help…

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t think God loves me or cares for me because of the cards that he dealt me so I have a hard time believing in him and his existence. 

They say only “God” can judge me but I’ve been judged my entire life and I judge others…

Like I said “I’m not ASHAMED” 

Morning Thought 

As the holiday season vastly approach, I can’t help but look back on this past year and think about how much I’ve overcome this year. From suffering a minor stroke, being diagnosed with kidney disease, battling depression, losing my job and almost facing homelessness. I always want to remain positive and hope things will always get better but it’s hard to be positive when you walk this earth alone. I don’t have people I can depend on when “shit hits the fan” but I do have people that always care to listen. I hope 2016 is better year. A year that focuses on love, career advancements, happiness and great mental and physical health. 

Writ 

The intensity of the pain in my chest is increasing. My eyes are full of tears patiently waiting to release. The smile on my face is faker than a Chinatown LV bag. My mind is filled with so many thoughts. But yet my mouth remains mum. Times like now I wish I had a family who would help me out. Then though my family is my blood, I am still a stranger to them. Most have never even met me. I don’t have a boyfriend that I can depend on. It’s only me. It’s always been “Just Me”. Those I confide in can only say “hope things work out for you” or the infamous “damn”. I didn’t put myself in this situation because I mismanaged money or was too busy buying the “latest” instead on focusing on my priorities. I’m in this situation due a off n on years of cancer. I don’t mean to sound like a victim and I don’t express my thoughts on here for sympathy, but it’s my harsh reality. Battling cancer and surviving is for the rich or those who are blessed to have a circle of true friends, family and love. I suffered a mild stroke this summer due to the stress of being sick, undergoing so many medical tests, hypertension, and once again watching all of my money deplete trying to win my health battle and financial struggles. My newest reality to be set in stone on Monday, November 9, 2015 at 10am, which is the day the sheriff’s, who scheduled my eviction will be at my door to take what little I have and throw it on the street. But I have to be strong.. What a fucking joke! 

No Hope

  
Sometime when I’m  facing hard times, i try to smile, have faith and try not to slip back into depression. This year has been rough for me from dealing with health issues, suffering a mile stroke, losing my job to now being served eviction papers and being told have 3 days to vacate the premises. I’ve always feared being homeless and it looks like it’s becoming a reality. The problem with renting in VA, they don’t give you no type of arrangement or anything. I’m being evicted for $400 for October and per the letter given by the rent office November is included. I just went back to work a week ago and dunno how I’m going to get out of this rut. But I will not lose my smile, and I refuse to give my depression any opportunity to rear its ugly head. But I have no options, no support system and no assistance. The downside to being me. It is meant to be will be. What is meant to be will be. I just have to accept the fuck hand life has dealt me. 

November 1 Confession 

  

The universe has always tried to removed the negative people from my life but due to my co-dependency, my insecurities and my fear of being alone, I fought against it and felt I could change people. People have walked in and out of my life because they knew they could. They knew they could leave and come back whenever they wanted and be accepted every time with opened arms. I’ve always been vocal about my fears, my feelings and my emotions to anyone who is willing to listen and people always used it against me because They knew how much I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted. The past few weeks have been great for me! I no longer carry other people’s burden, I no longer stress myself out over shit I can’t control and I no longer hold resentment or hurt in my heart and mind for anyone. I didn’t realize these people only entered my life to use me, to abuse me and to take me for granted. Even though I still want love and acceptance, I will no longer accept “ANYTHING” or the very minimal from anyone just to have a temporary fulfillment. I will no longer lay my head in depression and cry myself to sleep over people who don’t cry for me and over things I can’t control. My life still isn’t perfect and I am still dealing with temporary roadblocks. But I am comfortable in my skin, I believe in myself, I am confident as to who I am and what I’ve come from and I know my worth and my intelligence. I pray to the universe to block those who only want to use me and hurt me and I ask the universe to to continue to teach me that everyone isn’t an enemy and it’s OK to love, smile and be happy. This is my 1st of the month confession and progress report. I’m growing and I’m glowing!