The intensity of the pain in my chest is increasing. My eyes are full of tears patiently waiting to release. The smile on my face is faker than a Chinatown LV bag. My mind is filled with so many thoughts. But yet my mouth remains mum. Times like now I wish I had a family who would help me out. Then though my family is my blood, I am still a stranger to them. Most have never even met me. I don’t have a boyfriend that I can depend on. It’s only me. It’s always been “Just Me”. Those I confide in can only say “hope things work out for you” or the infamous “damn”. I didn’t put myself in this situation because I mismanaged money or was too busy buying the “latest” instead on focusing on my priorities. I’m in this situation due a off n on years of cancer. I don’t mean to sound like a victim and I don’t express my thoughts on here for sympathy, but it’s my harsh reality. Battling cancer and surviving is for the rich or those who are blessed to have a circle of true friends, family and love. I suffered a mild stroke this summer due to the stress of being sick, undergoing so many medical tests, hypertension, and once again watching all of my money deplete trying to win my health battle and financial struggles. My newest reality to be set in stone on Monday, November 9, 2015 at 10am, which is the day the sheriff’s, who scheduled my eviction will be at my door to take what little I have and throw it on the street. But I have to be strong.. What a fucking joke!
Sometimes I sit back and think on my life thus far and cry over the situation I put myself in
I wanted to be liked and loved so bad… I forgot to love myself
I hear people say “i love you”‘, “you are a great woman” and “you’re beautiful”
But yet people have treated me so ugly, unwanted and unneeded.
I remember a time growing, looking at other girls and women
Wishing I was them or wishing to look like them
Psychologically, I have been so screwed, I forgot my own worth
I sold myself to others at the price of fool’s gold
But yet I wanted others to see me as a rare, beautiful, exotic jewel.
In life, nothing is guaranteed but death
But I will be damned if I let others continue to devalue me
As a cancer patient whose remission fluctuates
I need to value each day I am given.
I was afraid of life just as much as I was afraid of dying
And during those times….
I made myself mentally crazy.
I still blame a lot of my thought process on not being loved growing up
But I am a work in progress
I wouldn’t say I believe in “God”
But I do believe in a higher being
And no matter how much “humans” given up on me….
My guardian angels believe in me
I never wanted to be alone in life
But whatever is destined to be will be.
I just want to remain in remission
Hear the magical words “You are cancer free”
And remain in that state.
I promise be stay emotionally happiness
And stop allowing others to steal my joy
Maybe one day love will find me
Until then…..(if it ever happens) I want to continue to love, respect and honor me
I miss being a happy, ball busting, laugn out loud, sarcastic, smartass with wit so sharp even the best quality knife idolizes me
I will be back…I promise!
This time of year is emotional for me. In 2011, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer and since it was only borderline stage 2, I was confident my recovery would be easy. I decided to continue working and if even I couldn’t I had a secure savings to hold me down until I returned to work. The shock I discovered is my full coverage insurance didn’t cover cancer treatment which meant out of pocket expenses. Treatment was so harsh on my body that I was always too weak and too sick to even stand. I don’t have family that I can lean on and my “true friends” so it was so outrageous to be 30 with cancer that it took too much energy to make them understand that I cut ties with them. So there I was fighting for my life alone. I would sneak out of treatment to drive myself home because I was alone. The guy I was seeing at the time was so mentally draining and waste of my time. I lied to him about “being healed” and dumping him in the same sentence. As the months went on my bank account dwindled down to the point that I had to decide on paying bills or paying for treatment to live. I chose to live. I remember waking up one morning feeling “alive” I walked out the door to see my car had been taken from me, then got an unexpected message letting me know the place I called “home” was no longer “home”. I remember sitting at the table crying so hard and so loud, I had the worse headache after the emotional fit. I had no money, I had no resources, or anyone I could ask to borrow money from. I gave up on everything life represented. I headed to treatment that morning trying to decide what other options was available to me for financial assistance for treatment and for life. The doctor and nurse walked in and all I could think was “great, now they are here to tell me I’m dying” they smiled and congratulated me for being in remission. What joyous words to hear, you would think! But I was so afraid of what comes next that it took a minute for me to digest what was said. I left my doctor with relief. So now that I survived cancer how was I going to “survive”?? I pushed myself to find a job, I accepted temp assignments, and pretty much starved myself as a way to save extra money to move. For the first time in my life I was struggling and battling depression at the same time. When I was unable to find an apartment I could afford and was willing to accept my declining credit…I started looking into shelters. Thankfully, an angel was watching over me and kept me from going into a shelter. I woke up this morning feeling so emotional because today marks 2 years of being in remission. I’m not back on my feet and comfortable like I used to be but I am thankful for the obstacles I overcame without losing my mind literally. I don’t wish that “struggle” on anyone but just know no matter what struggle you go through you can always fight your way out as long as you don’t give up. Happy Remission Anniversary to myself and those whose won the battle against cancer!
How do you go back to living after surviving cancer? Especially when you know there will always be that possibility that it can come back. Mentally you can’t. I remember the day I was diagnosis I sat in the doctor’s office feeling numb. My doctor grabbed my hand and told me “everything is going to be alright” I looked at him with the blankest look on my face and said “ok”. I remember him giving me a breakdown of everything I was in store for and my treatment options. At the moment, I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel loved, I want a support team around me cheering for my “speedy” recovery but instead I had to be my own support system, I had to hold myself, I had to wipe my own tears and I had to remind myself “I will be ok”. Because of this plague I faced my darkest fears and the biggest life alternating issues alone. I made myself believe I didn’t need “others”. But everyone needs someone. The problem is deciphering whose “good” and whose “bad”? I learned there is no such thing as good and bad people. In life, our paths cross for a reason, it may not be the fairy tale reasoning we always hope for but as a learning tool. I think “love” entered my life to show me I am capable of love and “love” is a possibility for me when I’m truly ready and when the universe feels it’s time. “Friendship” just like love can never be one sided. The lesson I am learning is to “let it all go” my fears, my disappointments, my pain and my anger and to realize there is nothing wrong with expressing my feelings and emotions instead of bottling them up and self numbing myself so I don’t have to deal is not the cure. I am imperfectly flawed and I’m okay with that. Now the “end” of the chapter has been written…time to begin a new chapter with a clear mind, heart and soul.
You were more abusive than jealous boyfriend. Your healing ways were more painful and draining than Ike’s abuse to Tina was. But I fought you head on knowing at any moment I could lose this fight but I stayed determined, I fought you during my darkest hour, I fought you during a time when I had no support nor friendships and everyone assume you were made up. You weren’t welcomed and that explains why you forced yourself upon me. To battle you I lost everything….my identity, my money, my mind and my will power. You were a disease far worse than alcoholism and drug addiction. Treatment was more sickening than a junkie’s first night in detox. But I made it through your storm. I cry sometimes at the pain you caused the struggles I endured, the occasions where I had to decide whether I would pay for treatment n be homeless or continue my comfy life n succumb to you. The sad truth, I was really torn between the two. I cried so much out of fear, I contemplated playing a game of Russian roulette w/ a full loaded gun, But with every tear of sadness I shed, I felt myself feeling stronger. I think the worse pain sustained through it all was the fact I faced you alone with no one in my corner to tell me “I will be okay” or “I am strong” but I thank you for your presence. Because without your “visit” I wouldn’t love me as much as I do, I wouldn’t appreciate life for it is and most importantly, my strength would not be as strong as it is. I don’t have as much as I am accustomed to but I have a second chance at living. The only downside to fighting you is knowing at any given moment you could make your un welcomed return. So I must stay on defense and ready to fight and battle you…….if you ever decide to return