A Letter to Steve Harvey

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Yesterday, I listened to your show as you tried to explain your reasoning for meeting with Donald Trump. You explained how the meeting was to enlighten him in hopes of possibly getting through to him on the black community. What I found mostly interesting about your radio speech, you spoke on how at one point of your life you were homeless living in your car for three years. So because you experienced that many, many moons ago it makes you a representative for the black community?

 

If Donald Trump really wanted to get to know the struggles of the black community, why didn’t he reach out to a person like me or to a retiree who put in many years of work and instead of enjoying retirement, they are trying to figure out what cuts to social security are being made, how will they be able to pay for their medication, etc.? Not some like you, who is wealthy, who can make hundreds of thousands for appearances and millions for hosting talk and game shows.

 

You are not part of the struggles of the black community, you do not know what it is like to live paycheck to paycheck in this economy nor do you know what it is like be black “middle class” or even “poor”. You spoke on meeting with Trump as an attempt to do outreach for the black community but what issues did you speak to him about that truly affects our community that is not shown on the news or social media?

 

The black community had an issue with you sitting down with trump because he has made it known he does not care for minorities and women. This is the same man who provoked racial violence at his rallies. Maybe not as extreme as the civil rights rallies of the 60s but he stood on a platform with media present instigating racial “hate”.

 

In my opinion, your meeting with Trump was for personal gain for your brand and for Trump to say “hey look, I know black people”. The meeting was for propaganda. Donald Trump was once close friends with Russell Simmons, since his presidential bid, their friendship tarnish because of the racial and hateful things he has said. Had you spoke about your “meeting” prior to the date on your radio and maybe asked your listeners to engage in conversation about some of the issues we as regular class citizens of America face, I think your position would’ve been more respected. A great time to spend on that topic could’ve been in the time slot of the “Strawberry Letter” which most of the time isn’t positive.

 

Do you really know what it is like to live paycheck to paycheck? To have to budget your checks to ensure bills to maintain a roof over your head, lights/water/gas are still on, to ensure that there is enough food in the fridge to hold your family over until the next check comes in. Do you know what it is like to not be able to afford a car so depending on the city you live public transportation may be expensive, always delayed, etc., so you hope and pray you make it to work on time? Do you know what it is like to have children in not so great schools because you can’t afford the tuition of private school and then to educate yourself on the person Donald Trump has selected as Secretary of Education (Betsy DeVos)?

 

In closing, If Trump was to ever unleash his inner beast and allow his satanic horns to show, you and your wife would be on the next private jet out of here while the rest of us struggle to find safety. I always find it astounding how someone like me who isn’t rich does a lot within the black community but the wealthy who come from poverty do so little. In order to understand your people, you must walk amongst your people.

 

I’m happy for all of the success you gained. You deserve it all and hopefully one day, I can achieve the same level of success or more until then……………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiritually Shook

Yesterday my spirit was shook after receiving an e-mail from my ex. We split over six months ago and for the life of me I couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this e-mail about some things I may have or may not have said about him. In his e-mail he told me he is trying to move on with his life and I should be doing the same. But yet I received an e-mail. I made it clear to him I’ve cut off communication from most of the world to avoid he say/she say gossip. But yet it found me. His final reply was “this wasn’t said recently and I would appreciate if you keep my name out of your mouth” for the life of me I don’t understand why this e-mail was received then I found myself over analyzing things to see if I could find clarity. That e-mail and the moments spent replying drained me spiritually. I made a lot of mistakes in life, I’ve done and said things that weren’t the most positive and hurt others in the process. I can’t take those things back but I have prayed on them and I’ve asked for forgiveness from the universe. I will admit I played vitcim in some situations but I’ve grown from them, I’ve learned valuable lessons and have been living a positive life for some time now. The past year has been the hardest year of my life but spiritually, it has been the most rewarding. I lost everything and even though it was a painful time, I learned to appreciate life and I learned I didnt need to manipulate situations just to see if others care for me. I missed out on love growing up and spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s trying to hustle, survive and find someone to love me even though I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love me so it made me fail in all relationships. After losing everything I learned to love myself, I let go of my past and left everything in God’s hands. I still have moments of doubt, I still have negative moments but I’m in a better place spiritually….. I will the negativity of my past would go away. I’m only embracing on positivity.

 

Writ 

The intensity of the pain in my chest is increasing. My eyes are full of tears patiently waiting to release. The smile on my face is faker than a Chinatown LV bag. My mind is filled with so many thoughts. But yet my mouth remains mum. Times like now I wish I had a family who would help me out. Then though my family is my blood, I am still a stranger to them. Most have never even met me. I don’t have a boyfriend that I can depend on. It’s only me. It’s always been “Just Me”. Those I confide in can only say “hope things work out for you” or the infamous “damn”. I didn’t put myself in this situation because I mismanaged money or was too busy buying the “latest” instead on focusing on my priorities. I’m in this situation due a off n on years of cancer. I don’t mean to sound like a victim and I don’t express my thoughts on here for sympathy, but it’s my harsh reality. Battling cancer and surviving is for the rich or those who are blessed to have a circle of true friends, family and love. I suffered a mild stroke this summer due to the stress of being sick, undergoing so many medical tests, hypertension, and once again watching all of my money deplete trying to win my health battle and financial struggles. My newest reality to be set in stone on Monday, November 9, 2015 at 10am, which is the day the sheriff’s, who scheduled my eviction will be at my door to take what little I have and throw it on the street. But I have to be strong.. What a fucking joke! 

Drunk Night Thought 

  

I’ve been drinking and drinking a lot

The numbness soothes my soul

The numbness soothes my heart.

Some people are blessed to be fucked up individuals

But Juanita is not

I am shunned for not being perfect

I am shunned for being a fighter

I am shunned for giving a fuck about others

My mouth is numb

My thoughts are racing

My world is rotating at a faster than lightening speed

Why must I suffer?

Why I must I care?

Why must I be the one to give a shit?!

When you care, you get hurt

When you love, you get shitted on

When you vent, you are petty

When you walk away, you are evil

Alcohol is my real true friend

It stops the tears from falling

It numbs the heart from caring

People want to say “I’m crazy” 

But the truth is its not me…

It’s you..

Never turn about one someone who supports you..

Never turn your back on someone who cares..

Never assume my value is fool’s gold 

And never for a second assume..you are better than me…

I don’t come from anything..

And my life has a lie…

But I have played the cards of life bestowed upon me..

And have buffed a poker table full of professionals…

I have battled real shit in my life..

While most have battled stupid shit…

Through it out…

I have maintained..grace, knowledge, strength, wisdom and intelligence…

I see the things written about me and I don’t care..

You don’t a real struggle until you have battled and defeated cancer, you have sampled being homeless

And through it all..you have maintained a level of sanity to conquer some fucked up experiences in life..

I maybe never know what being normal is…

I may never experience true love and happiness

But the few things I know is..battling,fighting,conquering and surviving….

So fuck your “pettiness” and your need for attention..

There are some real people, experiencing real issues…..

And no matter what life hands them…

They find a way to succeed…

Without or without support…

Never for a second think you need anyone to be your strength…

Strength comes from and from within comes “fight” and through comes “conquer”

So let people call you a “liar” and let people call you “weak”

Use their bullshit as Ammo to succeed…

And laugh at those who shitted on you and turned their backs as you gloriously achieve the top…..

Fuck them and do you even if it requires you doing it alone….

Morning Thought 

  

I woke up this morning with a fresh mind and heart.

I’ve been through a lot in life and always had to fight for “normality”

But what I realized last night,

My fight for normality is nothing but a mere delusion.  

Maybe this what keeps me sane.

Maybe this is what keeps me living

Maybe this what keeps my head above water

People always pretend that they are so perfect and so self righteous.

I don’t. I know I am a mess.

I know I have struggles.

I know I have wants

I know I have needs

Even through all of my fuck ups, my battle with demons, I find a way to show others love, respect, support and friendship.

Sometimes I wonder if being alone is a best option for me?

This way I don’t have to worry about caring for no one but myself.

This way no one can ever say they have dirt on me

This way no one can use me

This way I will save all tears and I don’t have to put on a poker face when people stand before me to blatantly disrespect me or try to diss me

FINALLY I have emotionally checked out

I finally accept the things people say about me

I am finally free to be me and just live without hearing “you’re full of shit”

Maybe I am….

But what about you makes you better than me?

People live in a fantasy to think they are so fucking perfect and so fucking godly.

You are the same scum you accuse me of being….

Your “Scum of the Earth” is just different from mine.

I finally feel my devil horn surfacing and I’m content with being an angel of evil.

After all, this is what everyone labels me.

So I accept the crown with honor. 

Friend/s? 

  

The easiest way to see the “realness” of those who claim to be your friend is to experience a hardship. 

Three weeks ago, I lost my job, it took me about a week to recover from the shock of it. 

Termination reason given “At Will”… Which means no reason is needed to let you go.

Maybe if I got in trouble, I could understand. maybe if I was written up, I could understand. maybe if my evaluations, work ethics, attendance was so poor, I could understand.

But to be given a “At Will” is just bullshit to me.

I find it amazing how people pretend to be support when their “friend” is going through a tough time.

Since being let go… I have been pounding the job market, interviewing, and trying to remain positive throughout this process.

So far no offers have presented itself.

My confidence, my hope, and my positivity is starting to demolish. 

I’m not lazy nor do I enjoy being home all day. 

I love to work! I’m a workaholic. 

It’s funny how people treat you during your rough time.

They pretend to care, they pretend to be supportive and they pretend to be positive. 

But throughout that temporary “front” they don’t give a fuck about you.

Because let’s be real… It’s my current situation, this is my life. 

Enemy or foe, no matter what anyone goes through, I help in any way I can.

I remember talking to a “friend” (I’m using that term sarcastically) his bank accounts were frozen due to a child support claim. He spoke on how he had no money to get back and forth to work or to eat in the meantime. The caring person I am, I send money without question or without hesitation. 

I’ve had friends who needed a roof over their head I took them in or I assisted them in any way I can. 

Because of past experiences, I decided to see how much of a “friend” some of these people truly are. So I asked to borrow money. I didn’t do it because I needed it, I did it to prove a point. 

Hoping to be wrong… But they proved me right.

Not only have I not heard from any of them since I sent the texts. But they took it to the max and unfriend me on Facebook and stop following me on Twitter…

I don’t understand these people of God. I don’t understand the “maturity” of these adults. 

Either way, I thank them for doing what they did.

May they never reach out to me again in life.

Life is hard when you have no real friends or family…

But I’m thankful to have the greatest best friend…myself

Because without “me” I would be one broken individual.

I just hope one day God will grant me the gift of selfishness…

Because caring for others is complete bullshit…. 

Dark Moment

My addiction

In this dark time, I sit in a dark room, with candles lit while I stare at myself in a mirror…
In this private time, I watch my demons reveal themselves while reminiscing on past and current situation…
The newest demon to reveal its self to me is “addiction”
I’m addicted to this dark hole known as “depression”
I’m addicted to “pain”
I’m addicted to feeling “hurt”
And I’m addicted to watching tears fall from my eyes
During this encounter with my “addiction” this dark version of me appears….
She tells me to hate my reflection
She tells me to pound my fist into the glass until a sharp piece hits the floor
She tells me to hurt myself until the pain makes me feel numb…
During this spiritual battle, my guardian angel always shine a bright light of “hope” and let’s me know she is here to protect and guide me…. I’m not sure who she is or what she is… But I know she loves me and she watches over me…..
Because of her I am still alive….
I hope she knows I love her
And I value her for always showing herself in my darkest times
And helping me thru these episodes….
I know I sound crazy and maybe I am crazy….
But she is the “hope” that keeps me sane and alive……

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