My Black was not Beautiful

I spent many years of my life wanting to change my physical appearance to what i think society would accept me as “fair skin, light eyes, long hair, slim “thick” with dimples.

For many years, i never acknowledged that has “self hate” but as a yearn to finally be accepted by my mother and her standards.

My mother never told me i was beautiful, she reminded me EVERYDAY (even on holidays) that i was ugly and worthless.

I’ve always had friends from different races, and saw how sweet, pleasant and loving she was to them.

I envious and jealous of my friends because they had things and were people i wished i could be at the time. I would always dream and wished i could be them in exchange for my mother’s love.

It didnt help that she made sure to point how beautiful my non black and light skin friends were. I knew then i didnt want to date within my race unless he was fair skinned, curly haired and had “good” genes or was mixed.

With my self-hatred i knew i didnt want to bare any dark skinned babies because i wanted them to be “privileged”.

I didnt realize until i got older how much hated for myself i had and never understood how eomen my skin tone or darker celebrated themselves and there beauty.

People always ssy to leave the past in the past. But everyday i realize how much my past damaged me and fucked me up mentality. Now i take ownership and accept myself as is…but i will not lie, i struggle every day to love and accept myself. I pray one day it happens….

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