Late Night Cry

what does a “basic” woman have to do to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel valued and to feel wanted?

Trying to maintain being “strong” is making me weak emotionally.

I get ridiculed for “accusations” and for “lies” but my truth and the things that I do (positively) goes unnoticed and unimported.

If I was the type to act on impulse..I would lose

If I was the type to remain unresponsive and take shit as is…I would still lose..

Wtf do I have to do to win? To be recognized as being “genuine” “honest” “loving” “beautiful” and intelligent?

I watch too many walk in and out of my life

No matter how hard I try to “fight” and accept the hand dealt to me..

I still lose…

 I’m tired of fucking losing…


Wtf does it take to win?! 

Being a good woman is not good enough..

Being highly sexual is exciting in the moment but pointless when sex is not involved…

I’ve been cheated on..,

Ignored..

Disrespected..

Disregarded…

And unwanted for far too long…

I gave up on love, marriage and commitment…

What more do I need to give up on?

life?! 

I’m tired of giving my heart to have it returned balled up, stabbed, and chewed up in return…

Spirit Guides guide me to happiness and love because I’m sick of misery, hurt and pain  

I’m tired of feeling alone and feeling pain and betrayal….

For once in my life, I am mute from sarcasm and from smiles 

 

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Mental thought 

The world is great at telling me my downfalls and where I fall short

But when I achieve goals and accomplishments the world sits still and quiet. My biggest problem in life is I want to feel loved and I want to be accepted. I use my sarcasm for popularity. But sometimes coming up with new material isn’t easy. I roamed this earth seeking for love and each time I fail at it… The past (ex boyfriends) come into my present thinking they have a chance at my future. The thing I’ve never understood is how come you couldn’t love me during the time we were together? The insecurities of my dark skin seems to haunt me more and more. I wonder if my skin is lighter would I be loved more and better?! Would I be wanted and highly favored? Some women can look at themselves in the mirror and see their beauty. I look at myself in the mirror and point out every flaw about me. No matter how much I want to change the “negative”… I can’t.. I hate it when people tell me later on in life how much they care for me but when they were apart of my life they treated me like shit. I don’t believe people truly love and care about me…. I frown and cry more than I smile. It seems as if sadness is who I am. Maybe I should stop fighting it and accept it. Because I have yet to see, believe, and experience what “love” is…….
Crazy thing is….
I wrote this thought in blood… Because my heart and soul bleeds for happiness, love, success, marriage and good health…… I feel if I bleed a lil more each time..the universe will one day hear my cries….
Until then……

Dark Moment

My addiction

In this dark time, I sit in a dark room, with candles lit while I stare at myself in a mirror…
In this private time, I watch my demons reveal themselves while reminiscing on past and current situation…
The newest demon to reveal its self to me is “addiction”
I’m addicted to this dark hole known as “depression”
I’m addicted to “pain”
I’m addicted to feeling “hurt”
And I’m addicted to watching tears fall from my eyes
During this encounter with my “addiction” this dark version of me appears….
She tells me to hate my reflection
She tells me to pound my fist into the glass until a sharp piece hits the floor
She tells me to hurt myself until the pain makes me feel numb…
During this spiritual battle, my guardian angel always shine a bright light of “hope” and let’s me know she is here to protect and guide me…. I’m not sure who she is or what she is… But I know she loves me and she watches over me…..
Because of her I am still alive….
I hope she knows I love her
And I value her for always showing herself in my darkest times
And helping me thru these episodes….
I know I sound crazy and maybe I am crazy….
But she is the “hope” that keeps me sane and alive……

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Remission Anniversary

This time of year is emotional for me. In 2011, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer and since it was only borderline stage 2, I was confident my recovery would be easy. I decided to continue working and if even I couldn’t I had a secure savings to hold me down until I returned to work. The shock I discovered is my full coverage insurance didn’t cover cancer treatment which meant out of pocket expenses. Treatment was so harsh on my body that I was always too weak and too sick to even stand. I don’t have family that I can lean on and my “true friends” so it was so outrageous to be 30 with cancer that it took too much energy to make them understand that I cut ties with them. So there I was fighting for my life alone. I would sneak out of treatment to drive myself home because I was alone. The guy I was seeing at the time was so mentally draining and waste of my time. I lied to him about “being healed” and dumping him in the same sentence. As the months went on my bank account dwindled down to the point that I had to decide on paying bills or paying for treatment to live. I chose to live. I remember waking up one morning feeling “alive” I walked out the door to see my car had been taken from me, then got an unexpected message letting me know the place I called “home” was no longer “home”. I remember sitting at the table crying so hard and so loud, I had the worse headache after the emotional fit. I had no money, I had no resources, or anyone I could ask to borrow money from. I gave up on everything life represented. I headed to treatment that morning trying to decide what other options was available to me for financial assistance for treatment and for life. The doctor and nurse walked in and all I could think was “great, now they are here to tell me I’m dying” they smiled and congratulated me for being in remission. What joyous words to hear, you would think! But I was so afraid of what comes next that it took a minute for me to digest what was said. I left my doctor with relief. So now that I survived cancer how was I going to “survive”?? I pushed myself to find a job, I accepted temp assignments, and pretty much starved myself as a way to save extra money to move. For the first time in my life I was struggling and battling depression at the same time. When I was unable to find an apartment I could afford and was willing to accept my declining credit…I started looking into shelters. Thankfully, an angel was watching over me and kept me from going into a shelter. I woke up this morning feeling so emotional because today marks 2 years of being in remission. I’m not back on my feet and comfortable like I used to be but I am thankful for the obstacles I overcame without losing my mind literally. I don’t wish that “struggle” on anyone but just know no matter what struggle you go through you can always fight your way out as long as you don’t give up. Happy Remission Anniversary to myself and those whose won the battle against cancer!

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