Fear 

  

Trying to maintain my faith and trust that the universe will continue to protect me and bless me. Right now, I have very little faith. I’ve been out of work for sometime now, I’ve been trying to maintain my bills, my sanity and my health. But I am slowly failing at all three. My blood pressure is now at stroke level due to stress, my bills are due and the money I was suppose to receive has yet to be processed. In order for my unemployment to start I have to wait another 2-3 more weeks for a phone interview/conference. In the meantime, I hustle my ass off everyday by pushing out my resume and patiently wait and hope my phone rings with an opportunity. So far nothing… The thought of suicide weighs heavy on my mind. I don’t have family I can lean on and I don’t have a support system of friends. All I have is my faith (which is at 25%). I cry myself to sleep at night, I wake up crying, praying, hoping and wish today is going to be a better day. But I no longer have faith and I don’t see a job or money coming… I’m officially scared of losing the place I call home, I’m afraid of losing what little sanity I have left and I’m afraid that suicide truly seems like my only option. I survived too much to become homeless….I really need a miracle or a blessing….soon 

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Mental vs Emotional 

  The world finds a way to judge and deem one crazy or insane. In some cases, there are crazy people in the world and in other cases, there are people who are misunderstood. To be emotional is to be considered weak. To release tears in front of any one other than thy self is to be placed on a stage for ridicule and shame. The missing trait in a lot of people is “empathy”. No two people are the same and everyone has a different story of struggle and overcoming obstacles. Just because a person releases thoughts and emotions differently from you doesn’t make them crazy. Some people, I agree some are harder to understand than others but it doesn’t make them weak or a waste. Tough love is not for everyone. To tell an emotional person about their down falls is not to be the shit out of them and once they are down you poke them with a stick and ask if they are ok and tell them how much of “pussy” they are. You have to learn to understand a person in order to help or to be supportive. The thing I find so fascinating.. A person shows more empathy, love and support to a physical abuser, someone who uses weapons to attack, someone who threatens real harm than they do to someone who is emotional is crying to be loved. Why?!

Late Night Cry

what does a “basic” woman have to do to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel valued and to feel wanted?

Trying to maintain being “strong” is making me weak emotionally.

I get ridiculed for “accusations” and for “lies” but my truth and the things that I do (positively) goes unnoticed and unimported.

If I was the type to act on impulse..I would lose

If I was the type to remain unresponsive and take shit as is…I would still lose..

Wtf do I have to do to win? To be recognized as being “genuine” “honest” “loving” “beautiful” and intelligent?

I watch too many walk in and out of my life

No matter how hard I try to “fight” and accept the hand dealt to me..

I still lose…

 I’m tired of fucking losing…


Wtf does it take to win?! 

Being a good woman is not good enough..

Being highly sexual is exciting in the moment but pointless when sex is not involved…

I’ve been cheated on..,

Ignored..

Disrespected..

Disregarded…

And unwanted for far too long…

I gave up on love, marriage and commitment…

What more do I need to give up on?

life?! 

I’m tired of giving my heart to have it returned balled up, stabbed, and chewed up in return…

Spirit Guides guide me to happiness and love because I’m sick of misery, hurt and pain  

I’m tired of feeling alone and feeling pain and betrayal….

For once in my life, I am mute from sarcasm and from smiles 

 

Dark Moment

My addiction

In this dark time, I sit in a dark room, with candles lit while I stare at myself in a mirror…
In this private time, I watch my demons reveal themselves while reminiscing on past and current situation…
The newest demon to reveal its self to me is “addiction”
I’m addicted to this dark hole known as “depression”
I’m addicted to “pain”
I’m addicted to feeling “hurt”
And I’m addicted to watching tears fall from my eyes
During this encounter with my “addiction” this dark version of me appears….
She tells me to hate my reflection
She tells me to pound my fist into the glass until a sharp piece hits the floor
She tells me to hurt myself until the pain makes me feel numb…
During this spiritual battle, my guardian angel always shine a bright light of “hope” and let’s me know she is here to protect and guide me…. I’m not sure who she is or what she is… But I know she loves me and she watches over me…..
Because of her I am still alive….
I hope she knows I love her
And I value her for always showing herself in my darkest times
And helping me thru these episodes….
I know I sound crazy and maybe I am crazy….
But she is the “hope” that keeps me sane and alive……

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Mental

I came home from a hard day at work and balled up into a fetal position and cried.
Got damn it!
Why the fuck does life have to be so hard for me?
Why am I never recognized for the good, my hard work, and my dedication?
But let a mistake occur, and I am placed on a stake
And crucified like a bad witch
I offer my ears to those in need of venting
I offer words of encouragement to others
But in my need, I am alone
I hate the head space I am currently in
Because I want to rip my fucking skin off and I want to drain the blood from my veins with a knife and watch myself suffer amongst those who hate me most
I’m so fucking tired of being strong
It is making me feel week
I am so got damn sick of fighting
My hands can no longer make a fist
I am so fed up with trying to prove to others my worth
While other show and tell me how worthless I am
The thought of “all it takes is one bullet and to pull the trigger” sounds so heavenly right now
I have no purpose in this world
But to be a joke, a sucker, a loser and a waste of flesh
I was a success in those categories
Today I realized my adopted mother has been right about me all along
And I can’t go on as “Me” anymore
I’m too tired and I’m done
Happiness and love isn’t for everyone
I am living proof of this

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Struggle Rant

Everyday I try to remain strong in hopes that a blessing would bestowed upon me. Sometimes I question that “realness” of “God” and his followers and believers called “Christians”. Anyone who is ever been in need I’ve always helped without asking for anything in return but a simple thank you. But now that I am in a financial crisis..everyone wants to offer me a prayer or they feel sorry for me. I watch my “family” and “friends” brag about thousand dollar bags, shoes and clothes but when I asked for assistance everyone is broke or going through hard times. But when their asses needed food, shelter, and money I’ve never hesitated. I read in the newspaper about people being blessed with random acts of kindness and financial assistance… But who are “they” and how do I find “them”?? Until a blessing occur (which I doubt) I will try to remain strong and positive and keep my eyes dry…

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Relish Rudd

Pray for our children

As a woman who was kidnapped as a child I am glad My abductor kidnapped me because she was unable to bare her own children and wanted a chance at motherhood..even though my abductor abused me and attempted to harm me I am truly grateful to be alive today. The picture that you see is of a beautiful little girl who was kidnapped some time ago. If you live in the DC Metro area then this angel’s face is familiar to you. About two weeks ago a woman was killed in a motel. The woman killed was the ex-wife of the man who abducted this little girl. An amber alert was issued for the vehicle the murderer and the child was last seen in…the car has since been recovered but the child remains missing…a 51 year man, by the name Tatum, was a janitor at a homeless shelter where Relisha (little girl shown) and her mom lived. The little girl was missing a few days before the mother thought to report her missing, the child seen comfortable in the presence of this man, who I am beginning to believe was her dad. In the surveillance video they showed of Relisha and this man, she had no fear. Kind of in the fashion a little girl walking with her daddy would have. New evidence has surfaced that Tatum called the little girl’s school pretending to be a doctor and stating she has not been in school due to her being sick. I find it hard to believe that an elementary school would honor a doctor’s call without requesting proper documentation…the mother sits in front of the media with fake concern and care but is bold enough to think she is innocent in the matter and it’s not her fault that her daughter was kidnapped. This trifling bitch belongs in jail. She sits on IG talking about living her life, liking and commenting on her friends photos. But her child is missing. During the news coverage of this story, I started to notice how much the little girl favors the man who kidnapped her. Could he be her father? And if he is, why would he kidnap his own child? Personally if this monster was capable to kill his ex-wife in a motel I believe he killed this precious little girl. He was caught on camera buying trash bags and lime…..I hope he is caught soon and the mother needs to be arrested and charged with neglect and being an accessory to kidnapping and if they find the child dead…the mother should also face murder charges. This world has gone mad when innocent children are killed for no reason. To Relisha Rudd’s mother may satan make you his personal bitch n torture you and your soul for all eternity!