The Moment of Truth

You tell her you never loved her.
You tell her you don't care for her.
You tell her she is the reason your dick can't get hard.
You tell her you hate her.
You make fun of all of her physical flaws including her surgical scars and stretch marks.
You make fun of the fact she is a survivor of abuse and call her a weak ass victim.
You laugh her for not having a mom and dad like you.
You make fun of her for being fat and having a gut.
As you are spewing this vile to her face, she continues to stand tall, stand proud and stand strong
Even though she wants to break down and cry…..
She accepts your words with no violence
She accepts knowing the truth of how the same man who once claimed to love her truly feel about her.
The sad reality, she walks everyday of her life, ashamed of her flaws.
Seeking to find love within herself to love herself as is.
But in that process, she found herself, in this moment with someone who knew her battles and made sure to go in for the kill.
There is no "I'm sorry" to heal the wounds of hearing a man who she thought was her "king" say to her she has no beauty, she has no worth, she is nothing and to even wish death on her.

Although she walked away, she now has to focus on healing and rebuilding herself and beg to God daily to never place another vile in her life or her next step will be suicide.

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FearĀ 

  

Trying to maintain my faith and trust that the universe will continue to protect me and bless me. Right now, I have very little faith. I’ve been out of work for sometime now, I’ve been trying to maintain my bills, my sanity and my health. But I am slowly failing at all three. My blood pressure is now at stroke level due to stress, my bills are due and the money I was suppose to receive has yet to be processed. In order for my unemployment to start I have to wait another 2-3 more weeks for a phone interview/conference. In the meantime, I hustle my ass off everyday by pushing out my resume and patiently wait and hope my phone rings with an opportunity. So far nothing… The thought of suicide weighs heavy on my mind. I don’t have family I can lean on and I don’t have a support system of friends. All I have is my faith (which is at 25%). I cry myself to sleep at night, I wake up crying, praying, hoping and wish today is going to be a better day. But I no longer have faith and I don’t see a job or money coming… I’m officially scared of losing the place I call home, I’m afraid of losing what little sanity I have left and I’m afraid that suicide truly seems like my only option. I survived too much to become homeless….I really need a miracle or a blessing….soon 

Dark Moment

My addiction

In this dark time, I sit in a dark room, with candles lit while I stare at myself in a mirror…
In this private time, I watch my demons reveal themselves while reminiscing on past and current situation…
The newest demon to reveal its self to me is “addiction”
I’m addicted to this dark hole known as “depression”
I’m addicted to “pain”
I’m addicted to feeling “hurt”
And I’m addicted to watching tears fall from my eyes
During this encounter with my “addiction” this dark version of me appears….
She tells me to hate my reflection
She tells me to pound my fist into the glass until a sharp piece hits the floor
She tells me to hurt myself until the pain makes me feel numb…
During this spiritual battle, my guardian angel always shine a bright light of “hope” and let’s me know she is here to protect and guide me…. I’m not sure who she is or what she is… But I know she loves me and she watches over me…..
Because of her I am still alive….
I hope she knows I love her
And I value her for always showing herself in my darkest times
And helping me thru these episodes….
I know I sound crazy and maybe I am crazy….
But she is the “hope” that keeps me sane and alive……

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Mental

I came home from a hard day at work and balled up into a fetal position and cried.
Got damn it!
Why the fuck does life have to be so hard for me?
Why am I never recognized for the good, my hard work, and my dedication?
But let a mistake occur, and I am placed on a stake
And crucified like a bad witch
I offer my ears to those in need of venting
I offer words of encouragement to others
But in my need, I am alone
I hate the head space I am currently in
Because I want to rip my fucking skin off and I want to drain the blood from my veins with a knife and watch myself suffer amongst those who hate me most
I’m so fucking tired of being strong
It is making me feel week
I am so got damn sick of fighting
My hands can no longer make a fist
I am so fed up with trying to prove to others my worth
While other show and tell me how worthless I am
The thought of “all it takes is one bullet and to pull the trigger” sounds so heavenly right now
I have no purpose in this world
But to be a joke, a sucker, a loser and a waste of flesh
I was a success in those categories
Today I realized my adopted mother has been right about me all along
And I can’t go on as “Me” anymore
I’m too tired and I’m done
Happiness and love isn’t for everyone
I am living proof of this

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Personal Thought

The more I try to succeed the less successful I become. The more I try to make others happy the more sadness comes my way. The more I try to love the more I experience hate. What is in life that I am doing so wrong that I am not entitled to happiness? Sometimes I sit and watch how people portray themselves to be happy, “blessed” and loved and wonder what could I have done so wrong in life to not experience the same? Even though I feel proud to make others happy. I wished others strived to make me happy. I’m tired of standing alone, I am tired of being my own personal supporter, friend, family, etc., I think I finally understand why people commit suicide. It gets to a point when self love is not enough love. Loneliness feel like a category 5 hurricane…destructive! I want to enjoy my life while I’m still alive but how can I…when I’m not happy?

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