My Peace 

It broke my heart when people who claimed to care aboutme gave no fucks that I was living on the streets as a homeless woman

There were days I didn’t know whether to feel angry or sad because my greatest fear became my reality and I was forced to deal with it on my own

People can never understand why I am emotionally unavailable and why it is so difficult for me to love

Because I don’t feel people give a shit about me unless it is beneficial to them

Those that knew about me being homeless didn’t offer a meal, a bed or anything to me. 

They lived their lives as if everything was good while 

I celebrated my 35th bday on the streets.

I have been wearing the same articles of clothing in rotation since March 21st along with one pair of uncomfortable shoes

I snuck into my new job early in the mornings just so I could shower and freshen myself as if i just arrived in the office from home

I went days without sleep because the airport and bus station seats aren’t comfortable and every 10 mins a loud announcement was being made

I survived being robbed in a shelter and felt safer roaming streets late at night then to spend another night in the shelter.

My arms and shoulders are numb from carrying my two survival bags.

But I survived with a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life 

As much as I’ve always needed friends and love

I realized my only friend and lover is myself…..

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Rebirth 

  

Nothing wrong with admitting when you are wrong. But what’s the point of “I’m sorry” when you turn around and make the same mistakes? Sometimes you feel bad for what you’ve said and done, but real growth comes from working on the negative. For so long, I’ve been so negative due to past experiences that I was unaware I carried a storm cloud over my head and hurt others because I was hurting. When I turned 35, I let it all go. Now that I’m storm cloud free. I am ready to experience real love, a positive love that I never allowed myself to feel. I, no longer, care what has happened in the past. I am now living in the moment and looking forward to the future. I am able to smile brighter now and know my smile comes from joy, I am able to laugh until my stomach hurts. I finally experienced the rebirth I’ve craved for years now. I am a new and better version of who I once was and I’m in love with myself and life. I am completely at peace with my past and hold no bitter, hatred or the need to rehash anything that has happened. #spiritualgrowth #mentalgrowth #love #happiness 

My Blogging Thoughts on “LOVE” 

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Never get upset over someone leaving you especially during your time of need. Love is an emotional roller coaster. Love goes through highs and lows…and sometimes you sustain some blows if you’re not acting right. but when a person truly loves you, They challenge your negative ways because they know you can do and be better… Love is unconditional, love can not be turned off like a light switch….love doesn’t cheat nor sample someone’s else grass and love never turns its back even when they are mad…. Most important lesson in love…never love someone more than they can love you. Sometimes a breakup is not one sided. #bloggersthoughts 

I miss Him


  

It’s amazing how you can love some so much and hurt them.My fear of commitment and getting hurt really did me in this time.

There hasn’t been many men I loved in my life. But this one I loved and regret breaking his heart. 

With many men, I was more interested in what they could offer me

But this guy…….. Yeah, I’m in love with him and I fucked it because I allowed my I insecurities and pride speak for me instead of my heart.

He will never come back but I wish he would

He’s my life partner and the only man to hold the key to my heart 

My “Good Friday” Confession 

  

Woke up this morning, got dressed as usual.Fought my way through the rush hour subway traffic.

Arrived to work, did my routine “Good Morning” 

Got my routine mug of coffee and filled up my water bottle.

I sat at my desk and examined all of the cubicles full of workers around me.

Everyone smiling, everyone laughing, some speaking on upcoming birthday plans, while others spoke on their weekend/Easter plans.

All I could do was smile and listen to their wonderful plans.

I was secretly hoping no one would ask me because I would have to make up some bogus shit.

My thought at that moment is “where will I lay my head tonight”?

See, unfortunate circumstances has occurred in my life where I don’t have a place to call home or a roof over my head. 

But I make due with what I can.

Sleeping at the Amtrak and airport are my own current options and once in awhile, sleeping in a discounted hotel just to rejuvenate myself.


Not many people know that I am homeless. But I try to make due and I try to stay positive and hopeful that I will be able to have a home soon. If you saw walking down the street, you wouldn’t be able to tell I’m homeless. 


Some may read this post and not understand how I have a job and homeless. It’s simple, I just started this job and because I was in need of a job, I accepted this position/ assignment. This job is way below any dollar amount, I’ve ever been accustomed to making but right now it is providing something instead of nothing.


A few scumbags know about my situation and told me if I would given them sex, they would give me a couple of thousand to hold me over. 


But since I am not that “woman”. I declined the offer. I guess good people don’t exist anymore. 


I can’t even say I’m mad but don’t tell me “God will not ever give you more than you can handle” and don’t tell me “I’m strong and will get through this”.


One thing I know is that I am strong and that I’m a fighter. Hell, I’ve had to be strong and fight my entire life. But I would love A chance at an easy life. 


But for now, I have to remain positive. 

This is my confession on this “Holy” Good Friday…

LOVE? 

 

I never understood the expression of “love conquers all” maybe because I’ve never experienced that type of love or maybe when love presented its self I found a way to destroy it. Which in my opinion proves “love doesn’t conquer all” or my idea of what love is translate to me as a fairytale that doesn’t exist. My mind sAys “I want love” and “I am open to love” but the love I seek never comes from the ones I want it from. It is displayed from the men I have no interest in….

Either way, I’m not sure if I truly believe in love and highly doubt I will ever experience love and marriage….


But I’m open to the idea…


If you read this post, then you can see how confused the thought behind “love” is because the writer of this post (me) is totally confused…

The question remains; What is “love”???

My life in Words 

  


My life is words is not to be frowned uponOr to be judged as I’m victimizing myself

My life in words is to speak on my journey I call life.

My life in words tell the story of things and situations I’ve been in

My story is not to sadden anyone or to make others feel sorry for me

My life in words is to give hope to those who walk in similar shoes

My life is words is to inspire me and to show me that I’ve survived so much and I’m still here

My life in words is to keep me from giving up on hope and life

These words are my therapy when I feel the urge to consider suicide.

My life in words are transcribed so when I finally get out of this black hole, I can reflect back on how I conquered the pain, the disappointments, the hurt, the failures and hopefully the success of my life….


My life in Words….