“Juanita” Under Construction

I’ve been under construction for some time. Attempting to finish the renovations of a “new” me. I’ve been under a spiritual attack and didnt realize it. So I needed to shut myself off from most of the world to undergo the changes and renovations needed to revamp who I am physically, spirituality and emotionally. During this redevelopment I lost some contractors (“friends”), fired lazy employees (people who don’t really give a shit) and knocked down walls to make the “space” (me) more open, sunny and bright. Before this renovation started I felt condemned and didn’t think it was possible to turn a rundown building (soul) into something so luxurious but I did it with the help of the spirits and spiritual guidance. Moral of this post:  Never think you are to condemned to be refurbished and/or renovated. Its an expensive investment (not speaking in terms of money) but once its completed…your values makes you feel like you’re worth millions. Now time to renovate my “love”, “marriage”, “success” and “finances

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BTW: THE PHOTO DOESNT GO WITH THE POST BUT I LOVE IT LOL

My Peace 

It broke my heart when people who claimed to care aboutme gave no fucks that I was living on the streets as a homeless woman

There were days I didn’t know whether to feel angry or sad because my greatest fear became my reality and I was forced to deal with it on my own

People can never understand why I am emotionally unavailable and why it is so difficult for me to love

Because I don’t feel people give a shit about me unless it is beneficial to them

Those that knew about me being homeless didn’t offer a meal, a bed or anything to me. 

They lived their lives as if everything was good while 

I celebrated my 35th bday on the streets.

I have been wearing the same articles of clothing in rotation since March 21st along with one pair of uncomfortable shoes

I snuck into my new job early in the mornings just so I could shower and freshen myself as if i just arrived in the office from home

I went days without sleep because the airport and bus station seats aren’t comfortable and every 10 mins a loud announcement was being made

I survived being robbed in a shelter and felt safer roaming streets late at night then to spend another night in the shelter.

My arms and shoulders are numb from carrying my two survival bags.

But I survived with a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life 

As much as I’ve always needed friends and love

I realized my only friend and lover is myself…..

Friend/s? 

  

The easiest way to see the “realness” of those who claim to be your friend is to experience a hardship. 

Three weeks ago, I lost my job, it took me about a week to recover from the shock of it. 

Termination reason given “At Will”… Which means no reason is needed to let you go.

Maybe if I got in trouble, I could understand. maybe if I was written up, I could understand. maybe if my evaluations, work ethics, attendance was so poor, I could understand.

But to be given a “At Will” is just bullshit to me.

I find it amazing how people pretend to be support when their “friend” is going through a tough time.

Since being let go… I have been pounding the job market, interviewing, and trying to remain positive throughout this process.

So far no offers have presented itself.

My confidence, my hope, and my positivity is starting to demolish. 

I’m not lazy nor do I enjoy being home all day. 

I love to work! I’m a workaholic. 

It’s funny how people treat you during your rough time.

They pretend to care, they pretend to be supportive and they pretend to be positive. 

But throughout that temporary “front” they don’t give a fuck about you.

Because let’s be real… It’s my current situation, this is my life. 

Enemy or foe, no matter what anyone goes through, I help in any way I can.

I remember talking to a “friend” (I’m using that term sarcastically) his bank accounts were frozen due to a child support claim. He spoke on how he had no money to get back and forth to work or to eat in the meantime. The caring person I am, I send money without question or without hesitation. 

I’ve had friends who needed a roof over their head I took them in or I assisted them in any way I can. 

Because of past experiences, I decided to see how much of a “friend” some of these people truly are. So I asked to borrow money. I didn’t do it because I needed it, I did it to prove a point. 

Hoping to be wrong… But they proved me right.

Not only have I not heard from any of them since I sent the texts. But they took it to the max and unfriend me on Facebook and stop following me on Twitter…

I don’t understand these people of God. I don’t understand the “maturity” of these adults. 

Either way, I thank them for doing what they did.

May they never reach out to me again in life.

Life is hard when you have no real friends or family…

But I’m thankful to have the greatest best friend…myself

Because without “me” I would be one broken individual.

I just hope one day God will grant me the gift of selfishness…

Because caring for others is complete bullshit…. 

Seeing The Light

Sometimes our dreams have a way of providing a premonition on what’s to come… Especially when you dream of real life situations that involve real life people you know. Sometimes I “try” to believe in others in hopes of finding the “good ones” but it never ceases to amaze me that I always attract the worthless…. I think it’s something I am doing wrong in life that opens the door to worthless people whether they are love interests, friends and/or family…. I think In 2015, I will embark in a full spiritual and mental make over and cleanse to ensure, I am attracting positive things and meaningful people…
#mylifenstrugglesinwords

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Don’t

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Don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining..
Don’t shit in my grass and tell me the dog did it
Don’t shoot me in the chest and tell me im having a heart attack
Don’t tell me you love me when you know got damn well you hate me
Don’t stab me in my back and tell me someone else did it
Don’t look me in my fucking eyes and tell me it’s true when we both know it’s a lie.
Don’t think you are “God” and appear when you feel like it and think I will always be waiting.
Don’t confuse my loyal and love with stupidity and desperation.
Don’t worry about what I am doing but since you are curious….
I am doing well!
I am enjoying my life
I am living life
And I have moved on with my life
So the next time you want to call and say “hello”
Just know the number you used to know is no longer in service
In order to continue on my journey of happiness
I had to let go of the past
I don’t think of you
The “memories” of “you” and “us” have been erased
The funny thing is…. I thank you for being such of piece of shit
I thank you for being a liar
I thank you for being you
Because without engaging in your terrible characteristics
I would not have come to my sense

http://youtu.be/FHp2KgyQUFk

Struggle Rant

Everyday I try to remain strong in hopes that a blessing would bestowed upon me. Sometimes I question that “realness” of “God” and his followers and believers called “Christians”. Anyone who is ever been in need I’ve always helped without asking for anything in return but a simple thank you. But now that I am in a financial crisis..everyone wants to offer me a prayer or they feel sorry for me. I watch my “family” and “friends” brag about thousand dollar bags, shoes and clothes but when I asked for assistance everyone is broke or going through hard times. But when their asses needed food, shelter, and money I’ve never hesitated. I read in the newspaper about people being blessed with random acts of kindness and financial assistance… But who are “they” and how do I find “them”?? Until a blessing occur (which I doubt) I will try to remain strong and positive and keep my eyes dry…

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Remission Anniversary

This time of year is emotional for me. In 2011, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer and since it was only borderline stage 2, I was confident my recovery would be easy. I decided to continue working and if even I couldn’t I had a secure savings to hold me down until I returned to work. The shock I discovered is my full coverage insurance didn’t cover cancer treatment which meant out of pocket expenses. Treatment was so harsh on my body that I was always too weak and too sick to even stand. I don’t have family that I can lean on and my “true friends” so it was so outrageous to be 30 with cancer that it took too much energy to make them understand that I cut ties with them. So there I was fighting for my life alone. I would sneak out of treatment to drive myself home because I was alone. The guy I was seeing at the time was so mentally draining and waste of my time. I lied to him about “being healed” and dumping him in the same sentence. As the months went on my bank account dwindled down to the point that I had to decide on paying bills or paying for treatment to live. I chose to live. I remember waking up one morning feeling “alive” I walked out the door to see my car had been taken from me, then got an unexpected message letting me know the place I called “home” was no longer “home”. I remember sitting at the table crying so hard and so loud, I had the worse headache after the emotional fit. I had no money, I had no resources, or anyone I could ask to borrow money from. I gave up on everything life represented. I headed to treatment that morning trying to decide what other options was available to me for financial assistance for treatment and for life. The doctor and nurse walked in and all I could think was “great, now they are here to tell me I’m dying” they smiled and congratulated me for being in remission. What joyous words to hear, you would think! But I was so afraid of what comes next that it took a minute for me to digest what was said. I left my doctor with relief. So now that I survived cancer how was I going to “survive”?? I pushed myself to find a job, I accepted temp assignments, and pretty much starved myself as a way to save extra money to move. For the first time in my life I was struggling and battling depression at the same time. When I was unable to find an apartment I could afford and was willing to accept my declining credit…I started looking into shelters. Thankfully, an angel was watching over me and kept me from going into a shelter. I woke up this morning feeling so emotional because today marks 2 years of being in remission. I’m not back on my feet and comfortable like I used to be but I am thankful for the obstacles I overcame without losing my mind literally. I don’t wish that “struggle” on anyone but just know no matter what struggle you go through you can always fight your way out as long as you don’t give up. Happy Remission Anniversary to myself and those whose won the battle against cancer!

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