Spiritually Shook

Yesterday my spirit was shook after receiving an e-mail from my ex. We split over six months ago and for the life of me I couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this e-mail about some things I may have or may not have said about him. In his e-mail he told me he is trying to move on with his life and I should be doing the same. But yet I received an e-mail. I made it clear to him I’ve cut off communication from most of the world to avoid he say/she say gossip. But yet it found me. His final reply was “this wasn’t said recently and I would appreciate if you keep my name out of your mouth” for the life of me I don’t understand why this e-mail was received then I found myself over analyzing things to see if I could find clarity. That e-mail and the moments spent replying drained me spiritually. I made a lot of mistakes in life, I’ve done and said things that weren’t the most positive and hurt others in the process. I can’t take those things back but I have prayed on them and I’ve asked for forgiveness from the universe. I will admit I played vitcim in some situations but I’ve grown from them, I’ve learned valuable lessons and have been living a positive life for some time now. The past year has been the hardest year of my life but spiritually, it has been the most rewarding. I lost everything and even though it was a painful time, I learned to appreciate life and I learned I didnt need to manipulate situations just to see if others care for me. I missed out on love growing up and spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s trying to hustle, survive and find someone to love me even though I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love me so it made me fail in all relationships. After losing everything I learned to love myself, I let go of my past and left everything in God’s hands. I still have moments of doubt, I still have negative moments but I’m in a better place spiritually….. I will the negativity of my past would go away. I’m only embracing on positivity.

 

Rebirth 

  

Nothing wrong with admitting when you are wrong. But what’s the point of “I’m sorry” when you turn around and make the same mistakes? Sometimes you feel bad for what you’ve said and done, but real growth comes from working on the negative. For so long, I’ve been so negative due to past experiences that I was unaware I carried a storm cloud over my head and hurt others because I was hurting. When I turned 35, I let it all go. Now that I’m storm cloud free. I am ready to experience real love, a positive love that I never allowed myself to feel. I, no longer, care what has happened in the past. I am now living in the moment and looking forward to the future. I am able to smile brighter now and know my smile comes from joy, I am able to laugh until my stomach hurts. I finally experienced the rebirth I’ve craved for years now. I am a new and better version of who I once was and I’m in love with myself and life. I am completely at peace with my past and hold no bitter, hatred or the need to rehash anything that has happened. #spiritualgrowth #mentalgrowth #love #happiness 

Drunk Night Thought 

  

I’ve been drinking and drinking a lot

The numbness soothes my soul

The numbness soothes my heart.

Some people are blessed to be fucked up individuals

But Juanita is not

I am shunned for not being perfect

I am shunned for being a fighter

I am shunned for giving a fuck about others

My mouth is numb

My thoughts are racing

My world is rotating at a faster than lightening speed

Why must I suffer?

Why I must I care?

Why must I be the one to give a shit?!

When you care, you get hurt

When you love, you get shitted on

When you vent, you are petty

When you walk away, you are evil

Alcohol is my real true friend

It stops the tears from falling

It numbs the heart from caring

People want to say “I’m crazy” 

But the truth is its not me…

It’s you..

Never turn about one someone who supports you..

Never turn your back on someone who cares..

Never assume my value is fool’s gold 

And never for a second assume..you are better than me…

I don’t come from anything..

And my life has a lie…

But I have played the cards of life bestowed upon me..

And have buffed a poker table full of professionals…

I have battled real shit in my life..

While most have battled stupid shit…

Through it out…

I have maintained..grace, knowledge, strength, wisdom and intelligence…

I see the things written about me and I don’t care..

You don’t a real struggle until you have battled and defeated cancer, you have sampled being homeless

And through it all..you have maintained a level of sanity to conquer some fucked up experiences in life..

I maybe never know what being normal is…

I may never experience true love and happiness

But the few things I know is..battling,fighting,conquering and surviving….

So fuck your “pettiness” and your need for attention..

There are some real people, experiencing real issues…..

And no matter what life hands them…

They find a way to succeed…

Without or without support…

Never for a second think you need anyone to be your strength…

Strength comes from and from within comes “fight” and through comes “conquer”

So let people call you a “liar” and let people call you “weak”

Use their bullshit as Ammo to succeed…

And laugh at those who shitted on you and turned their backs as you gloriously achieve the top…..

Fuck them and do you even if it requires you doing it alone….