Spiritual Graduation

How do you go back to living after surviving cancer? Especially when you know there will always be that possibility that it can come back. Mentally you can’t. I remember the day I was diagnosis I sat in the doctor’s office feeling numb. My doctor grabbed my hand and told me “everything is going to be alright” I looked at him with the blankest look on my face and said “ok”. I remember him giving me a breakdown of everything I was in store for and my treatment options. At the moment, I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel loved, I want a support team around me cheering for my “speedy” recovery but instead I had to be my own support system, I had to hold myself, I had to wipe my own tears and I had to remind myself “I will be ok”. Because of this plague I faced my darkest fears and the biggest life alternating issues alone. I made myself believe I didn’t need “others”. But everyone needs someone. The problem is deciphering whose “good” and whose “bad”? I learned there is no such thing as good and bad people. In life, our paths cross for a reason, it may not be the fairy tale reasoning we always hope for but as a learning tool. I think “love” entered my life to show me I am capable of love and “love” is a possibility for me when I’m truly ready and when the universe feels it’s time. “Friendship” just like love can never be one sided. The lesson I am learning is to “let it all go” my fears, my disappointments, my pain and my anger and to realize there is nothing wrong with expressing my feelings and emotions instead of bottling them up and self numbing myself so I don’t have to deal is not the cure. I am imperfectly flawed and I’m okay with that. Now the “end” of the chapter has been written…time to begin a new chapter with a clear mind, heart and soul.