A Heartfelt Letter to the Universe

Dear Universe,

It is me Juanita. I write this letter to you to say I am ready for love, commitment and happiness. I know there are people out here who do not want to see me happy so they try to use spiritual attacks and root work against me. I no longer care to be in the “eye” of them. I care to be happy and enjoy life. It is my destiny to be happy, successful, and living life to the fullest and I will do so. Please bless me with my true love, protect me from others’ evils, and open the paths I was truly destined to travel. I apologize for hurting others, I apologize for the mistakes I’ve made in life and I don’t care what has transpired with people and situations in my past. I want success in love, career, health and life. For some time now the spirits have tried to warn me but i was too afraid of their presences to listen. But now I hear and see all of the things you were trying to say. Thank you for the signs and thank you for the encounters with gifted humans, dreams and spiritual encounters during the witching hours. Please universe continue to keep me aware while blessing and guiding me down the path of life success. I honor you, I praise you and I thank you.

Love, Peace, Life and Happiness,

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Juanita

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My “Good Friday” Confession 

  

Woke up this morning, got dressed as usual.Fought my way through the rush hour subway traffic.

Arrived to work, did my routine “Good Morning” 

Got my routine mug of coffee and filled up my water bottle.

I sat at my desk and examined all of the cubicles full of workers around me.

Everyone smiling, everyone laughing, some speaking on upcoming birthday plans, while others spoke on their weekend/Easter plans.

All I could do was smile and listen to their wonderful plans.

I was secretly hoping no one would ask me because I would have to make up some bogus shit.

My thought at that moment is “where will I lay my head tonight”?

See, unfortunate circumstances has occurred in my life where I don’t have a place to call home or a roof over my head. 

But I make due with what I can.

Sleeping at the Amtrak and airport are my own current options and once in awhile, sleeping in a discounted hotel just to rejuvenate myself.


Not many people know that I am homeless. But I try to make due and I try to stay positive and hopeful that I will be able to have a home soon. If you saw walking down the street, you wouldn’t be able to tell I’m homeless. 


Some may read this post and not understand how I have a job and homeless. It’s simple, I just started this job and because I was in need of a job, I accepted this position/ assignment. This job is way below any dollar amount, I’ve ever been accustomed to making but right now it is providing something instead of nothing.


A few scumbags know about my situation and told me if I would given them sex, they would give me a couple of thousand to hold me over. 


But since I am not that “woman”. I declined the offer. I guess good people don’t exist anymore. 


I can’t even say I’m mad but don’t tell me “God will not ever give you more than you can handle” and don’t tell me “I’m strong and will get through this”.


One thing I know is that I am strong and that I’m a fighter. Hell, I’ve had to be strong and fight my entire life. But I would love A chance at an easy life. 


But for now, I have to remain positive. 

This is my confession on this “Holy” Good Friday…

Fear 

  

Trying to maintain my faith and trust that the universe will continue to protect me and bless me. Right now, I have very little faith. I’ve been out of work for sometime now, I’ve been trying to maintain my bills, my sanity and my health. But I am slowly failing at all three. My blood pressure is now at stroke level due to stress, my bills are due and the money I was suppose to receive has yet to be processed. In order for my unemployment to start I have to wait another 2-3 more weeks for a phone interview/conference. In the meantime, I hustle my ass off everyday by pushing out my resume and patiently wait and hope my phone rings with an opportunity. So far nothing… The thought of suicide weighs heavy on my mind. I don’t have family I can lean on and I don’t have a support system of friends. All I have is my faith (which is at 25%). I cry myself to sleep at night, I wake up crying, praying, hoping and wish today is going to be a better day. But I no longer have faith and I don’t see a job or money coming… I’m officially scared of losing the place I call home, I’m afraid of losing what little sanity I have left and I’m afraid that suicide truly seems like my only option. I survived too much to become homeless….I really need a miracle or a blessing….soon 

Friend/s? 

  

The easiest way to see the “realness” of those who claim to be your friend is to experience a hardship. 

Three weeks ago, I lost my job, it took me about a week to recover from the shock of it. 

Termination reason given “At Will”… Which means no reason is needed to let you go.

Maybe if I got in trouble, I could understand. maybe if I was written up, I could understand. maybe if my evaluations, work ethics, attendance was so poor, I could understand.

But to be given a “At Will” is just bullshit to me.

I find it amazing how people pretend to be support when their “friend” is going through a tough time.

Since being let go… I have been pounding the job market, interviewing, and trying to remain positive throughout this process.

So far no offers have presented itself.

My confidence, my hope, and my positivity is starting to demolish. 

I’m not lazy nor do I enjoy being home all day. 

I love to work! I’m a workaholic. 

It’s funny how people treat you during your rough time.

They pretend to care, they pretend to be supportive and they pretend to be positive. 

But throughout that temporary “front” they don’t give a fuck about you.

Because let’s be real… It’s my current situation, this is my life. 

Enemy or foe, no matter what anyone goes through, I help in any way I can.

I remember talking to a “friend” (I’m using that term sarcastically) his bank accounts were frozen due to a child support claim. He spoke on how he had no money to get back and forth to work or to eat in the meantime. The caring person I am, I send money without question or without hesitation. 

I’ve had friends who needed a roof over their head I took them in or I assisted them in any way I can. 

Because of past experiences, I decided to see how much of a “friend” some of these people truly are. So I asked to borrow money. I didn’t do it because I needed it, I did it to prove a point. 

Hoping to be wrong… But they proved me right.

Not only have I not heard from any of them since I sent the texts. But they took it to the max and unfriend me on Facebook and stop following me on Twitter…

I don’t understand these people of God. I don’t understand the “maturity” of these adults. 

Either way, I thank them for doing what they did.

May they never reach out to me again in life.

Life is hard when you have no real friends or family…

But I’m thankful to have the greatest best friend…myself

Because without “me” I would be one broken individual.

I just hope one day God will grant me the gift of selfishness…

Because caring for others is complete bullshit…. 

Struggle Rant

Everyday I try to remain strong in hopes that a blessing would bestowed upon me. Sometimes I question that “realness” of “God” and his followers and believers called “Christians”. Anyone who is ever been in need I’ve always helped without asking for anything in return but a simple thank you. But now that I am in a financial crisis..everyone wants to offer me a prayer or they feel sorry for me. I watch my “family” and “friends” brag about thousand dollar bags, shoes and clothes but when I asked for assistance everyone is broke or going through hard times. But when their asses needed food, shelter, and money I’ve never hesitated. I read in the newspaper about people being blessed with random acts of kindness and financial assistance… But who are “they” and how do I find “them”?? Until a blessing occur (which I doubt) I will try to remain strong and positive and keep my eyes dry…

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Remission Anniversary

This time of year is emotional for me. In 2011, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer and since it was only borderline stage 2, I was confident my recovery would be easy. I decided to continue working and if even I couldn’t I had a secure savings to hold me down until I returned to work. The shock I discovered is my full coverage insurance didn’t cover cancer treatment which meant out of pocket expenses. Treatment was so harsh on my body that I was always too weak and too sick to even stand. I don’t have family that I can lean on and my “true friends” so it was so outrageous to be 30 with cancer that it took too much energy to make them understand that I cut ties with them. So there I was fighting for my life alone. I would sneak out of treatment to drive myself home because I was alone. The guy I was seeing at the time was so mentally draining and waste of my time. I lied to him about “being healed” and dumping him in the same sentence. As the months went on my bank account dwindled down to the point that I had to decide on paying bills or paying for treatment to live. I chose to live. I remember waking up one morning feeling “alive” I walked out the door to see my car had been taken from me, then got an unexpected message letting me know the place I called “home” was no longer “home”. I remember sitting at the table crying so hard and so loud, I had the worse headache after the emotional fit. I had no money, I had no resources, or anyone I could ask to borrow money from. I gave up on everything life represented. I headed to treatment that morning trying to decide what other options was available to me for financial assistance for treatment and for life. The doctor and nurse walked in and all I could think was “great, now they are here to tell me I’m dying” they smiled and congratulated me for being in remission. What joyous words to hear, you would think! But I was so afraid of what comes next that it took a minute for me to digest what was said. I left my doctor with relief. So now that I survived cancer how was I going to “survive”?? I pushed myself to find a job, I accepted temp assignments, and pretty much starved myself as a way to save extra money to move. For the first time in my life I was struggling and battling depression at the same time. When I was unable to find an apartment I could afford and was willing to accept my declining credit…I started looking into shelters. Thankfully, an angel was watching over me and kept me from going into a shelter. I woke up this morning feeling so emotional because today marks 2 years of being in remission. I’m not back on my feet and comfortable like I used to be but I am thankful for the obstacles I overcame without losing my mind literally. I don’t wish that “struggle” on anyone but just know no matter what struggle you go through you can always fight your way out as long as you don’t give up. Happy Remission Anniversary to myself and those whose won the battle against cancer!

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