Monday Night Thought 

  Love me for who I am and not because you think there is a pot of gold at the end of my rainbowLove me unconditional when I am right or wrong 

Take a stand as a man when someone disrespects me or threatens my livelihood.

Support me in good times and be my rock and my strength during bad time.

Stop looking at me as a temporary solution until you find what you are seeking.

Value me as a flawless diamond instead of cubic zirconia or fool’s gold. 

Instead of dwelling on my weakness guide me to be strong and to be better

My body and my mind is a temple that should be respected in the same fashion you respect your “God”

Understand I am a technical thinker so if I don’t understand something your way doesn’t mean I feel superior or trying to be a lawyer

It truly means I don’t understand

It takes a special man to understand me and accept me…

Today he has not come…

I’m not sure if “he” my perfect mate exists…

But I’m open to the universe to send him to me

Sometimes I sit back and think on my life thus far and cry over the situation I put myself in
I wanted to be liked and loved so bad… I forgot to love myself
I hear people say “i love you”‘, “you are a great woman” and “you’re beautiful”
But yet people have treated me so ugly, unwanted and unneeded.
I remember a time growing, looking at other girls and women
Wishing I was them or wishing to look like them
Psychologically, I have been so screwed, I forgot my own worth
I sold myself to others at the price of fool’s gold
But yet I wanted others to see me as a rare, beautiful, exotic jewel.
In life, nothing is guaranteed but death
But I will be damned if I let others continue to devalue me
As a cancer patient whose remission fluctuates
I need to value each day I am given.
I was afraid of life just as much as I was afraid of dying
And during those times….
I made myself mentally crazy.
I still blame a lot of my thought process on not being loved growing up
But I am a work in progress
I wouldn’t say I believe in “God”
But I do believe in a higher being
And no matter how much “humans” given up on me….
My guardian angels believe in me
I never wanted to be alone in life
But whatever is destined to be will be.
I just want to remain in remission
Hear the magical words “You are cancer free”
And remain in that state.
I promise be stay emotionally happiness
And stop allowing others to steal my joy
Maybe one day love will find me
Until then…..(if it ever happens) I want to continue to love, respect and honor me
I miss being a happy, ball busting, laugn out loud, sarcastic, smartass with wit so sharp even the best quality knife idolizes me
I will be back…I promise!

Our Argument Tonight

I think the key to a successful marriage and relationship is being with your “opposite”. If you tend to be the aggressor then you need a significant other that is submissive and vice versa. What has lead me go this thought process is…..

Tonight my boyfriend and I 

engaged in a conversation over “Social Media’s influence on bullying” he said “no one should ever talk about another person” I wholeheartedly agreed with him and voiced that “these days being bullied is different then the 70s-90s and this is because of social media. Everyone is out to gain social popularity that they will use someone’s humility as their moment to shine via FB, YouTube and Vine, etc” 

The next thing I realized the conversation went from a “cordial” debate to “well you are….” “You say” and ” I tell you all of the time…”

Wait a damn minute….. How did this conversation turn to a “Juanita (me) is a bully” and my sarcasm is “rude, rash and harsh”. 

Since I am not submissive, I voiced my opinion and since he is not submissive, he voiced his got damn opinion…

And now the room is silent to the point… He did asked if  I would like a glass of wine. Since I replied “no” he gave me his typical “cool, I knew it” which translate (mentally) to “I know you have an attitude and so do I” yes, he has an attitude and (I know he does) because it is his turn to move in “Trivia Crack” and he has yet to make a move in our two current games  proves he’s being a petty ass and he’s mad…

Yes, he is currently playing “Trivia Crack” because I can hear it, I know he is bypassing me…. Secretly, I hope his petty ass bypasses for another day so I can obtain a easy win…..

This is “typical” for us… Two headed, strong minded,opinionated people who love each other overall but fight like cats n dogs…..

Since he’s not talking to me or making a move in “Trivia Crack” I plan to be petty and sleep on the couch…. LOL… 

The picture above represents is currently….except he is now playing xbox one…and I’m laying on the couch typing this…

I wouldn’t trade his ass in the world for no one… Well… Maybe….just kidding! Or am I?! 

Help Me!

My heart always breaks when the words “it’s over” is spoken. But I never invest much of myself as I should when it comes to love. I am a broken soul who cries for love and acceptance but when it is bestowed upon me…I find a way out. Why is my heart so cold and my feelings so numb and what can I do to break free from this black hole? I get it universe, “I” stop “Me” from happiness and wealth. Now universe I am asking you to help me get through this so I can experience happiness, joy, and life…. And when it presents its face to me make me ready, able and receptive to receive it, appreciate it and enjoy it. I am officially ready to live