I miss Him


  

It’s amazing how you can love some so much and hurt them.My fear of commitment and getting hurt really did me in this time.

There hasn’t been many men I loved in my life. But this one I loved and regret breaking his heart. 

With many men, I was more interested in what they could offer me

But this guy…….. Yeah, I’m in love with him and I fucked it because I allowed my I insecurities and pride speak for me instead of my heart.

He will never come back but I wish he would

He’s my life partner and the only man to hold the key to my heart 

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LOVE? 

 

I never understood the expression of “love conquers all” maybe because I’ve never experienced that type of love or maybe when love presented its self I found a way to destroy it. Which in my opinion proves “love doesn’t conquer all” or my idea of what love is translate to me as a fairytale that doesn’t exist. My mind sAys “I want love” and “I am open to love” but the love I seek never comes from the ones I want it from. It is displayed from the men I have no interest in….

Either way, I’m not sure if I truly believe in love and highly doubt I will ever experience love and marriage….


But I’m open to the idea…


If you read this post, then you can see how confused the thought behind “love” is because the writer of this post (me) is totally confused…

The question remains; What is “love”???

My life in Words 

  


My life is words is not to be frowned uponOr to be judged as I’m victimizing myself

My life in words is to speak on my journey I call life.

My life in words tell the story of things and situations I’ve been in

My story is not to sadden anyone or to make others feel sorry for me

My life in words is to give hope to those who walk in similar shoes

My life is words is to inspire me and to show me that I’ve survived so much and I’m still here

My life in words is to keep me from giving up on hope and life

These words are my therapy when I feel the urge to consider suicide.

My life in words are transcribed so when I finally get out of this black hole, I can reflect back on how I conquered the pain, the disappointments, the hurt, the failures and hopefully the success of my life….


My life in Words…. 

I’m Not Ashamed 

  

I’m not ashamed I am battling mental illness.I’m not ashamed than I am not “normal” and that nothing in my life has ever been easy or came to me on any type of platter.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve had to hustle for what seems like “little” to others and everything to me.

I’m not ashamed that all I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be loved and valued by others.

I’m not ashamed that there have been thousands of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep and thousands of morning I woke up in tears.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t know how to love and hope that one day someone can teach me.

I’m not ashamed that I may have missed out on good relationships because I know I am extremely hard to deal with and every “great” guy will not able to deal with me.

I’m not ashamed of my screw ups in life sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to survive. 

I’m not ashamed that I walk this earth alone with no family.

I’m not ashamed that I usually spend my holidays alone with leftover Chinese food fantasying about spending my holidays with a make believe husband and family. 

I’m not ashamed to be in the skin I’m in. For I was created with a purpose just not sure what.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve told lies in life but who hasn’t? The funny thing is the truth has been valued as lies and lies have been valued as truth.

I’m not ashamed that I don’t smile. Not really sure “how” or “why” I should.

I’m not ashamed that I think I am crazy/beautiful. The only thing I pray is that I don’t harm myself or screw my life up.

I’m not ashamed that those “friends” I cared for went out of their way to hurt me mentally, physically and tried to ruin my reputation.

I’m not ashamed that I was kidnapped as a child from my country by a mentally and physically abusive woman.

I’m not ashamed that all my life I dealt with others mentally and physically abusing me, parents who were functional crackheads, and not being loved as a child/teenager.

I’m not ashamed that I’ve never been able to admit to anyone the “true” home I grew up in out of shame and out of refusing to be that typical black girl.

I’m not ashamed that I want to seek help and overcome my mental illness 

But honestly speaking, I don’t know if I really want help…

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t think God loves me or cares for me because of the cards that he dealt me so I have a hard time believing in him and his existence. 

They say only “God” can judge me but I’ve been judged my entire life and I judge others…

Like I said “I’m not ASHAMED” 

November 1 Confession 

  

The universe has always tried to removed the negative people from my life but due to my co-dependency, my insecurities and my fear of being alone, I fought against it and felt I could change people. People have walked in and out of my life because they knew they could. They knew they could leave and come back whenever they wanted and be accepted every time with opened arms. I’ve always been vocal about my fears, my feelings and my emotions to anyone who is willing to listen and people always used it against me because They knew how much I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted. The past few weeks have been great for me! I no longer carry other people’s burden, I no longer stress myself out over shit I can’t control and I no longer hold resentment or hurt in my heart and mind for anyone. I didn’t realize these people only entered my life to use me, to abuse me and to take me for granted. Even though I still want love and acceptance, I will no longer accept “ANYTHING” or the very minimal from anyone just to have a temporary fulfillment. I will no longer lay my head in depression and cry myself to sleep over people who don’t cry for me and over things I can’t control. My life still isn’t perfect and I am still dealing with temporary roadblocks. But I am comfortable in my skin, I believe in myself, I am confident as to who I am and what I’ve come from and I know my worth and my intelligence. I pray to the universe to block those who only want to use me and hurt me and I ask the universe to to continue to teach me that everyone isn’t an enemy and it’s OK to love, smile and be happy. This is my 1st of the month confession and progress report. I’m growing and I’m glowing! 

A Letter to My Mother 

  
Dear Mommy Dearest,
I am writing this letter to you to let you know I am letting go of my past. My entire childhood and young adulthood I begged for your love, I begged for your acceptance. I always wanted you to be proud of me. I want to know from you that I was beautiful, that I was smart but most importantly, I wanted to know you loved me.

After I left home, I was damaged, scarred and lonely. I invested my time into wanting to be loved, wanting to be accepted and wanting to be beautiful that I victimized myself in hopes of fulfilling those needs. 

Maybe you weren’t proud of me, maybe you truly didn’t love me and maybe I am/was ugly to you. But I always thought it was a mother’s duty to instill values, morals, love and things to make them grow up to better than they were at a young age.
You made me believe my dreams were stupid, you made me believe I would never be worthy of no man, love and success. I begged and I cried for your love and attention.

Even at 34, I am still begging for that. 
The difference is this time, I’m learning to love me, I am learning to accept who I am and I am learning that because of you… I went most of my life with this black cloud over my head.
I’m done with storm and I just want you to know, I accept my childhood for what it was worth, I accept you as the only mother I knew growing up and I’m letting go of all of the negative attributes and pain, you caused me. I forgive you, I love you and now I’m letting go of my past.
I will no longer continue to harbor resentment for you. I will no longer continue to spend my life looking for acceptance and love from others. Because I am proud of the woman I became. Through all of the pain, the demons, and the storms. I survived! I made it! It wasn’t easy and my life still isn’t perfect but I am no longer a victim of my past….
 

After The Storm 

  

I’ve been going through a storm that seem like it wouldn’t past. I fought with demons of depression, the demons who wanted me to give up and the demons who wanted to repo all of the things I worked so hard for. When you are in need, no one gives a fuck about you, no one cares that you are struggling, no one cares enough to offer you help. All they care about in reality is being thankful it’s not them. My stress and depression led me to experience anxiety and even suffering a mild stroke. Doctors kept telling me “you have to relax” how can anyone relax when they don’t know where their next meal is coming from or how they are going to maintain a roof over their head. Through this storm, I was able to restore some faith and belief in God, I was blessed to know the universe and my guardian angel were working overtime to get me back on my feet. But for the first time in life, I finally was able to pass the lessons I kept failing previously. Thank you for the storm, universe. Thank you for making me stop being a victim to my situations, thank you for letting me see who my real friends are, thank you for believing in me and most importantly, thank you for teaching me to love myself and to stop relying on others to see and value my worth. Now that I believe in me and I love me….I can focus on me and the things I need to do to achieve success, love and happiness and to maintain all of the greatness.