Morning Thought 

  

I woke up this morning with a fresh mind and heart.

I’ve been through a lot in life and always had to fight for “normality”

But what I realized last night,

My fight for normality is nothing but a mere delusion.  

Maybe this what keeps me sane.

Maybe this is what keeps me living

Maybe this what keeps my head above water

People always pretend that they are so perfect and so self righteous.

I don’t. I know I am a mess.

I know I have struggles.

I know I have wants

I know I have needs

Even through all of my fuck ups, my battle with demons, I find a way to show others love, respect, support and friendship.

Sometimes I wonder if being alone is a best option for me?

This way I don’t have to worry about caring for no one but myself.

This way no one can ever say they have dirt on me

This way no one can use me

This way I will save all tears and I don’t have to put on a poker face when people stand before me to blatantly disrespect me or try to diss me

FINALLY I have emotionally checked out

I finally accept the things people say about me

I am finally free to be me and just live without hearing “you’re full of shit”

Maybe I am….

But what about you makes you better than me?

People live in a fantasy to think they are so fucking perfect and so fucking godly.

You are the same scum you accuse me of being….

Your “Scum of the Earth” is just different from mine.

I finally feel my devil horn surfacing and I’m content with being an angel of evil.

After all, this is what everyone labels me.

So I accept the crown with honor. 

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Friend/s? 

  

The easiest way to see the “realness” of those who claim to be your friend is to experience a hardship. 

Three weeks ago, I lost my job, it took me about a week to recover from the shock of it. 

Termination reason given “At Will”… Which means no reason is needed to let you go.

Maybe if I got in trouble, I could understand. maybe if I was written up, I could understand. maybe if my evaluations, work ethics, attendance was so poor, I could understand.

But to be given a “At Will” is just bullshit to me.

I find it amazing how people pretend to be support when their “friend” is going through a tough time.

Since being let go… I have been pounding the job market, interviewing, and trying to remain positive throughout this process.

So far no offers have presented itself.

My confidence, my hope, and my positivity is starting to demolish. 

I’m not lazy nor do I enjoy being home all day. 

I love to work! I’m a workaholic. 

It’s funny how people treat you during your rough time.

They pretend to care, they pretend to be supportive and they pretend to be positive. 

But throughout that temporary “front” they don’t give a fuck about you.

Because let’s be real… It’s my current situation, this is my life. 

Enemy or foe, no matter what anyone goes through, I help in any way I can.

I remember talking to a “friend” (I’m using that term sarcastically) his bank accounts were frozen due to a child support claim. He spoke on how he had no money to get back and forth to work or to eat in the meantime. The caring person I am, I send money without question or without hesitation. 

I’ve had friends who needed a roof over their head I took them in or I assisted them in any way I can. 

Because of past experiences, I decided to see how much of a “friend” some of these people truly are. So I asked to borrow money. I didn’t do it because I needed it, I did it to prove a point. 

Hoping to be wrong… But they proved me right.

Not only have I not heard from any of them since I sent the texts. But they took it to the max and unfriend me on Facebook and stop following me on Twitter…

I don’t understand these people of God. I don’t understand the “maturity” of these adults. 

Either way, I thank them for doing what they did.

May they never reach out to me again in life.

Life is hard when you have no real friends or family…

But I’m thankful to have the greatest best friend…myself

Because without “me” I would be one broken individual.

I just hope one day God will grant me the gift of selfishness…

Because caring for others is complete bullshit…. 

Accepting My Demons

I’m so tired of being labeled “scum” and a liar for the life events bestowed upon me from God. I hate who I am because I was stolen as a child and given this name and this life in which it was not my original plan or destiny. I am tired of being the daughter of a kidnapper who abused with hurtful words and blunt force in the name of love and discipline. I am tired of fighting the demons of my past that plague me with the memories of my struggles and of my truth that others believe as fabricated lies and situations I’ve placed myself in. I have fought battles of loving myself and teaching myself that love doesn’t have to hurt and abuse is not normal. I went to therapy as a child and sat there as my mother made me out to be the seed of Satan and this entity who makes shit up because I was seeking attention. But never once was my mother questioned about the role she played in my life. I am a fucked up individual who believes it safer to be alone and emotionless to avoid the pain of others and seeking the feeling of wanting to be “normal”. I rather lie about where I didn’t come from only to fit in and not be deemed a liar for speaking my truth aka the truth. My story may never be read because so many people think my truth is a lie. Because no one can understand how ONE person endured so much… I will never experience “love” and “living” because I am too busy fighting for sanity and to keep my skeletons and flowers buried in an attic and grave

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