Journal

20140316-093741.jpgA lot in my life has changed over the past year.  I find this journey called life so amazing but yet so mentally draining. There are so many lessons being taught by so many teachers. Their teaching methods vary from teacher to teacher, some who are nice and others who are tough and/or mean but they all strive for the ultimate goal, which is to education you through life’s lessons and to make sure you retain the syllabus being taught.

I shared some tears but not as many this year as I have previous years. I lost some friends but then I question were they every truly friends? I learned no matter how good of a person you try to be to others, there will always be that chosen few who don’t give a fuck about you and will use you for personal gain and entertainment.

Last week I experienced an incident, I haven’t experienced since my twenties. Mentally, it broke me down, it left me sad and it made me take 40 steps back to the abused child/woman I once was. The experience left me so broken inside though I found myself staring in the mirror and labeling myself all of the terrible names I was called.

I found myself questioning God and questioning myself, as to why, I’m not good enough, why i’m not beautiful enough, why i am not sexy because if i was all of these things people wouldn’t attack me the way that they do especially when I come in peace trying to understand while caring at the same time.

I cried at that moment because of the choice of words spoken and the actions that were taken but then a force came over me to say “fuck it”.  If I am not worthy, if I am trash then throw me the fuck away. It wouldn’t be the first time but this damn sure will be the last fucking time  I allow anyone to get the best of me.

In that moment, I also realized how much I have grown as a person and as a woman. I didn’t feel the need to fight or to attack as I have done in the past when someone tried to hurt me. I accepted for what it was while contemplating my next move. I didn’t lost for the potential path that was going to lie ahead of me.

Mostly because i’m a survivor, I am a warrior in life. I’ve survived so many storms that nothing or no one can break me anymore. When I realized that, the tears stopped. My problem throughout life, I’ve given people so much power over me in hopes of finding love and happiness and avoiding being hurt. but what it did was give others ammo to use again me. Through all of the trials & tribulations, I learned to love me more and more each day.

When I feel a moment of “weakness” I read Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” then I am reminded I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am a rare and exquisite diamond who will never be treated like glass or cubic zirconia.

I’ve forgiven the situation but I haven’t forgotten!

I WILL RISE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES ANYONE TRIES TO CUT ME WITH HARSH WORDS, DESTROY MY MATERIAL THINGS and TRY TO BEAT ME DOWN….YOU WILL NOT GET THE BEST OF ME.

“Like Dust, I Rise”

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